Her "Ideal" Guy? - Part 2 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry to have scared you with the whole 'friends with benefits', sex is definitely NOT what I meant.

Sex in NOT in plans - AT ALL.

Making out with him not as boyfriend/girlfriend is what I call friends with benefits, because I do have morals, I promise!

The difference with me and him is we've been friends for 3 years, so the whole college/high school thing isn't such a big deal. With that said, I know he doesn't live up to what my mom and dad wants for me, and I know I can't change him -  but somehow even after your reply, I feel like maybe he would change when he actually grows up. He doesn't necessarily have a problem with drinking; he just parties on weekends - not even every weekend - like a regular college kid. No, I'm not okay with that, but partying in (a non-LDS) college is kind of regular, especially around here.

I know I sound horrible, like I'm okay with what does or I'm making excuses for the things he does - but since we've been friends for years and I know what he went through, I kind of just brush off the bad things he does.

I'm confused with my feelings; I know what I should and shouldn't do.

I've always been 'serious' about dating, I'm not sure why, but casual dating, I'm sure, isn't a bad idea!

Thank you for replying, it really means a lot that someone is there for me.

- NW




Dear Bro Jo,

Well I don't know, NW; I'm not sure that I would define "making out without commitment" (or NiCMO, as it's called at the Y) as "having morals".

I'm glad that when it comes to "friends with benefits" you're naive instead of slutty, but you are absolutely making excuses.  For him and for you.

You can care for someone without ignoring the bad stuff they do; your quickness to look the other way, especially given your reasons why, is not good.  Neither is your attitude of "well, that's just what people do around here".  One of the quotes I have on my office wall is from Michelangelo:  "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark".

I'm afraid not of sinful behavior, but that you dear little sister, are setting your standards too low.  You are worth more than you give yourself credit for.  We're taught to love the sinner, but hate the sin, and I think that if you don't change your failure to do the latter, you're going to be in more trouble than you want.  It's the little things that matter.  Sometimes that's because, unchecked, they're the gateway to the bigger things.

I have no problem with a quick kiss good night or goodbye after one has Casually Group Dated someone for three or more dates, or perhaps on a special occasion (like a birthday or holiday), but making out should be saved for after one is out of high school and in a committed relationship, preferably with someone that is a serious Temple Marriage prospect.

I think you're allowing your hormones to cloud your judgment.  You're not alone; we all do it or have done it.  But I think its past time for you to gain some self mastery.

Casual Group Dating IS a great idea!  (If I do say so myself.)  And let's be honest, you've not been "dating", you've been (my oldest daughter uses air quotes when she says this) in "relationships".  Dating, little sister, is when a guy makes a plan, picks up, and pays (if he's dating correctly, and you're not letting him off too easy).  When someone jumps into a bad relationship, regardless of their age, it's because they're trying to fill some gap; usually it's because they're struggling with their sense of self-worth, and they mistakenly believe that being "with someone" bestows them with value.

It doesn't.

Our value comes from Heavenly Father and his love for us, not from the admiration of others.

One more thing.  You may hate to hear this, but it's true:  this guy doesn't love you.  Regardless of what he may say.  Why?  How do I know?

Because no man loves a woman he doesn't respect, and you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.

We can't expect to be respected when we drop our standards for others and ourselves.

I know that as a Daughter of God you have great individual worth!

Always here for you,

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for the reality check, I needed it.

Thanks for reminding me of my worth, I needed that more.

This whole thing that you're doing for not only, but everyone, is great. I especially appreciate it.

Bro Jo, you're awesome.

Thanks again. :)

- NW




Dear NW,

Any time.

Cheers,

- Bro Jo

Her "Ideal" Guy? - Part 1 of 2

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm 16, turning 17 in February. I've been dating since I was about 14.

I've always had these 'horrible break-ups' and I never seem to find a nice guy. Maybe it's because it's Ohio and there aren’t many LDS guys here or maybe it's because I'm picking all the wrong ones.

Finally, I seemed to have found the 'ideal' guy for me. The only problem?  Not LDS.

He's a Catholic who wants a family, perhaps much later in life. I'm a junior in high school; he's a freshman in college.

He drinks occasionally but he has the biggest heart.

His heart, his smile, his kindness, makes me forget about his flaws. I don't want a serious relationship, and he has issues with me being in high school and past relationships made him scared to a real one now.

For now, we're 'just friends' but dating-ish. I don't want to say its friends with benefits, but that's basically what it is.

We both have high morals, so it's nothing bad but...

Bro Jo, he makes me melt every time I look at him, every time his name pops up of my phone, every time his name pops up on my Facebook page, every time he looks at me and smiles randomly.

He loves that I'm a good girl and just like every other girl, I think I can 'change' him. Not change HIM, but his 'habits' he does at college, which is basically drinking.

My parents, sister, and my friends love him. I don't know what to do - go for it?

Still keep dating?

Or let him go because he's not up to my ‘standards’?

Thanks for your time!

- Name Withheld




Dear Little Sister,

NO!  Don't "go for it"!!!

Are you nuts?!?

A college age guy that has a drinking problem and hit's on 16-year old high school girls???

(BTW - Do you even know what "friends with benefits" means?  It means you're having sex with him, and if that's the case, KNOCK IT OFF!)

I'm sorry, I know this guy gets your head swimming . . . but he's a bad dude.  Plus, and read this very carefully, you'll NEVER change him.  (WE don't change people, they have to change themselves.)

Or his habits.

That's "old guy" experience talking.

You're attracted.  Infatuated.  And clearly not thinking clearly.

There's no way your dad loves a college age guy who drinks getting physical with his daughter.  If you honestly believe that's the case, give me your dad's cell number; I'd love to talk to him.

At your age "Casual Group Dating" is where you should be at.  You're rushing into adulthood too soon, and frankly much sooner than you're ready.

Looks fade, but addictions rarely go away without someone hitting rock bottom; and the problem with that, Little Sister, is someone like you always gets crushed between the rock and the bottom.

Trust me.  I've seen it.  I've lived it.  I know.

Have one last in public conversation with this guy where you tell him that he's too old for you and not living up to your standards.  If he stops drinking, starts going to Sacrament meeting, and stops touching, calling and texting you until you're 18 and graduated from high school, then you can consider dating again.

But, seriously, between you and me, I think if you cut this guy off physically he'll choose to be gone from your life forever, because frankly my dear, that's the only value a 16-year old girl has to him.

And, I hate to be this blunt, but the situation requires it; you need to know that he doesn't love you.  How do I know?  Because he doesn't respect you.  Oh, I'm sure that he says he does, but if he did none of what's happening between the two of you would be happening.

- Bro Jo

PS:  Casual Group Dating does not have to be only with LDS guys.

When Do You Confess Past Sins to a New Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

Dear Bro Jo,

A couple years ago I broke the Law of Chastity.  I went to see my Bishop and went through the repentance process.  It was hard, but since then I have completely changed my life.  I eventually was able to go through the temple. My testimony of the Savior and the Atonement is rock solid.  I am a completely different person.

Today: I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 6 months.  I feel like maybe I should tell him, but at the same time we haven't even said the L word yet (and I do, I love him, but honestly it scares me because my last boyfriend used that word only for sex). At the same time, it's been 6 months and I wonder if he would be upset I waited so long to tell him.  He isn't just "any guy" and I'm pretty confident that he's the one I'm going to go to the Temple with.  I'm just not sure what to say, how to bring it up, or how many details I am supposed to share.

Your advice would be so appreciated!

Sincerely,

Chaste Forever!




Dear Forever,

It's not good for couples to keep secrets, especially big ones, from each other, but that doesn't mean that we should divulge too much too soon.

The Spirit will prompt you as far as the right moment.

Be honest, but not graphic.


Perhaps something like:

"When you're ready, I'd like to share something very personal with you.  I'm nervous because, I really care for you and I don't want you to think less of me.  I want you to know that I've repented and I have a testimony that Heavenly Father has forgiven me."

And then wait to see how he responds.

He may not be ready yet, and that's fine.

Be patient.

When he is ready, especially if a bit of time has passed, repeat the opening from before.

And perhaps add what you've told me above.

"I don't think of you as 'just any guy', you're very important to me.  I care for you and, perhaps more importantly, I feel like I can trust you with things that are very personal and private."

And then . . .

"When I was younger I had sex."

Repeat that you've gone through the repentance process, that it was difficult, and that while you wish you had not sinned in that way, your testimony of the atonement is all the stronger for having seen how it has worked in your own life and that the love of the Savior has helped you become a different and better person.

And then wait.

This may indeed be a make or break moment.  It may be the time when you discover that he does indeed love and care for you.

Or it may be the moment that you, sadly (but fortunately) discover that he's not the man for you.


The knowledge will be worth the risk.


Remember:  you've needed time to get up the courage to tell him; he may need time to process the information.


And don't let yourself be pressured into sharing more than you're ready.  As I said in the beginning, there's no need to "over-share".


- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so much for the advice!

We had that talk and everything was okay.  It felt really good to get it off my chest.

Thanks again,

- Forever




Dear Forever,

Sounds like you found a keeper!

- Bro Jo