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Monday, October 2, 2017

When Do You Confess Past Sins to a New Boyfriend or Girlfriend?

Dear Bro Jo,

A couple years ago I broke the Law of Chastity.  I went to see my Bishop and went through the repentance process.  It was hard, but since then I have completely changed my life.  I eventually was able to go through the temple. My testimony of the Savior and the Atonement is rock solid.  I am a completely different person.

Today: I have a boyfriend. We've been together for 6 months.  I feel like maybe I should tell him, but at the same time we haven't even said the L word yet (and I do, I love him, but honestly it scares me because my last boyfriend used that word only for sex). At the same time, it's been 6 months and I wonder if he would be upset I waited so long to tell him.  He isn't just "any guy" and I'm pretty confident that he's the one I'm going to go to the Temple with.  I'm just not sure what to say, how to bring it up, or how many details I am supposed to share.

Your advice would be so appreciated!

Sincerely,

Chaste Forever!




Dear Forever,

It's not good for couples to keep secrets, especially big ones, from each other, but that doesn't mean that we should divulge too much too soon.

The Spirit will prompt you as far as the right moment.

Be honest, but not graphic.


Perhaps something like:

"When you're ready, I'd like to share something very personal with you.  I'm nervous because, I really care for you and I don't want you to think less of me.  I want you to know that I've repented and I have a testimony that Heavenly Father has forgiven me."

And then wait to see how he responds.

He may not be ready yet, and that's fine.

Be patient.

When he is ready, especially if a bit of time has passed, repeat the opening from before.

And perhaps add what you've told me above.

"I don't think of you as 'just any guy', you're very important to me.  I care for you and, perhaps more importantly, I feel like I can trust you with things that are very personal and private."

And then . . .

"When I was younger I had sex."

Repeat that you've gone through the repentance process, that it was difficult, and that while you wish you had not sinned in that way, your testimony of the atonement is all the stronger for having seen how it has worked in your own life and that the love of the Savior has helped you become a different and better person.

And then wait.

This may indeed be a make or break moment.  It may be the time when you discover that he does indeed love and care for you.

Or it may be the moment that you, sadly (but fortunately) discover that he's not the man for you.


The knowledge will be worth the risk.


Remember:  you've needed time to get up the courage to tell him; he may need time to process the information.


And don't let yourself be pressured into sharing more than you're ready.  As I said in the beginning, there's no need to "over-share".


- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so much for the advice!

We had that talk and everything was okay.  It felt really good to get it off my chest.

Thanks again,

- Forever




Dear Forever,

Sounds like you found a keeper!

- Bro Jo

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