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Friday, April 14, 2017

Does He Regret Breaking Up?

Dear Bro Jo,

I will be honest I have ready many of your blogs and letters to other young adults and have disagreed with so many, but I do believe this comes from a cultural thing rather than a difference of opinion,

So I am living in the United Kingdom.  About a year ago I dated a girl from the same stake as myself although she did live around an hour away.  We dated and we were happy.

Sadly after the "honeymoon period" I realized that despite the fact that I cared for her (and I still do) I didn't want her to become my eternal companion, so I did what I believed was the decent thing and broke it off.

We discussed it for a long time and we agreed to part ways and still remain friends.

Well since then I have had a few girlfriends and I have still remained friends with this first girl, we will call her "Jenny".

Jenny remained a constant part of my life even while I was dating these other girls. we would text and remained pretty close friends. She would talk to me about the guys she would date and I would talk to her about the girls I would date.

We were pretty close. I always knew this was unhealthy but I still chose to participate.

Well I got a girlfriend who did not like the situation I had with jenny, and after discussing it I agreed to limit mines and jenny's friendship. Jenny and I talked it over and she left the conversation pretty mad, and I really was trying to be decent. I believe she is mad because she was still holding on to the idea of me and this was me picking another girl over her. I felt awful. I really did.

So for a while she wouldn't come to any stake activities and events because she didn't want to be in the same room as me, she removed me off Facebook and other social media and just cut me out of her life. she constantly and publicly moans about how horrible I was to her on twitter and Instagram and we broke up a year ago. It got to the point where she had to rearrange her whole stake conference attendance just so we were never in the same room..... our stake does it complicated.

The worst part is I have now been called into stake YSA, which means I have to organize events and institute for the Stake, and I can see that many on her side of the Stake have become distant from my YSA.....  It really is split in two sides.

It’s awful.

I believe she is a massive source of negativity and is draining many of the YSA, I see the advice she gives to people and it’s just so awful. It makes me cringe.

I believe that if she and I established a friendship again (albeit a limited one) that really could help improve the relationship of the YSA as a whole.

I never say anything negative about Jenny, or at least I try not to.

The whole situation makes me feel sick, I never meant to hurt anyone, and I constantly re-evaluate my past decisions to see if I made the right one, I still believe I have.

Drama and problems come with being a YSA, I get that, but as a leader in it I really don't want to be the source of it.

I really don't like that you are only hearing one side of the story from me as I can honestly say I have not been the best of people in this situation.

What should I do?

- Confused Leader




Dear Confused,

Somethings are universal, despite differences in culture.

We often think that avoiding pain now will lessen or even eliminate the possibility of pain later . . . but life rarely works that way.  Getting a vaccination to stave off disease or infection is not too much different than breaking up and pretending we can still hang out and be friends.

As long as you were hanging on to "Jenny" she thought there was a possibility you might come to your senses (her opinion, not mine) and get back together (or at least want to, thus making her feel desired and not rejected)  . . . and, let's face it . . . that's one of the reasons you held onto her friendship.  You weren't ready to let her go until you found another woman to replace her.

Jenny got mad because it was in THAT conversation that you began the end of the break up process.

Relationships can be complicated, especially if we make them so.  Has nothing to do with which Stake we're in.

Saying you "try to" never say anything negative about Jenny means that, well, you do.  And saying that you still believe you've made the right decision breaking her heart but that you keep re-evaluating that decision means . . . well, you're afraid you didn't.

That's why you have hung onto her as a "friend".

Keep her or let her go.

Make a decision and stick to it.

That's called leadership.

Whatever you decide, continue to be kind towards her.  That's called being A Good Christian Man.

- Bro Jo

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