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Friday, April 21, 2017

The "Out of the Blue" Breakup - Part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

Hello again!

So, I have a bit of a situation. There’s this guy (oh how cliché)..he's wonderful, interesting, and smart.

We have been in the same ward for quite some time but haven't really been able to talk much (I've been spending time out of the country) but he's the same age as my older sister and so I kinda know him, but had never really talked to him.

But now we are both back, and single. So we started talking and eventually went out on a few dates, just to clarify I'm 19 and he's 22 (R.M.) so they were fun, one on one dates. (He invited me to his basketball game, then we got hot chocolate and talked at the temple for a few hours, he came over to my house and played games/watched a movie, and we went to a hot air balloon festival) plus we had been texting/calling quite a bit..this all happened in the space of about a week and a half.

I liked him immediately and surprisingly very intensely, (I haven't felt that way for a guy so fast in a long time..)I have a missionary whom I really like, (but we both decided that it would be good to date other people) so I've been on quite a few dates since he's been gone--and have liked a few guys, but some of them were preparing for their own missions, or I'm not really into it or vice versa or whatever (something always happened)--and frankly I haven't really been heartbroken about it.

Anyways, back to this guy. We went on those few dates and afterwards he came back to my house to watch a movie and we started talking, he said that he had just gotten out of a long term serious relationship (he had been with his ex for a year). So, I asked if he still liked her (not wanting to get into anything if he still had feelings for her) and he said that breaking up was mutual and they both saw it coming, he only sees her as a friend, he wants what’s best for her and all but doesn't see anything romantic. Earlier in the week (right after our 2nd date) his ex texted him and he said he was confused about it.--I have no idea what he or she said. But, I mean, if you date someone for a year and you aren't sure if you should be together then you probably shouldn't be together, am I right...?

Anyways, after him telling me all this about his ex and everything he said he wanted to "take things slow" and "be fair to me" and he "didn't want to hurt me". I of course not wanting to lie to him told him about my missionary and that I'm not waiting for him, but I also like him too but I wanted to give the current guy a chance and "not hurt him" either.

So..naturally I thought taking things slow meant being casual and dating others, but he surprised me with a kiss. (we ended up making out on a couple occasions) which was awesome/confusing.

So I was trying to be cool and casual about it but he sure didn't kiss me very casually. I ended up going on a couple of dates with other guys during that time to try to protect my heart buy I felt nothing for them and could only think about this current guy. I also didn't want to play games so I told him that I had gone out with those other guys and if he was ok with it and he said that yeah he was cool with it and that we should keep on trying to be casual. I really started to develop feelings for this guy though, but I kinda felt him start to back off a bit. I was super confused about where his head was so I decided to be brave and tell him my feelings.

So I said:

 "Hey so I just wanted to clear this up and be real with you..and let you know that even though I've been on a few dates with other guys I can't stop thinking about you! Gosh what is it about you (name withheld)!? But I wanted to let you know that I really feel like there could be something pretty great between us. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I would really like to see where we could go. I would rather let you know how I feel and possibly be hurt -- than to never take a chance.."

To which he replied:

"Yeah I've been wanting to talk to you. (name withheld) you're a really great girl and its been so much fun hanging out with you! I think we are just in different places in our lives. I've had fun with you but you've just come on really strong. And with where I'm at in my life I don't want that. Things just got moving really fast and it freaked me out. And I needed time to think and pray about things. I want to still be friends but I think I just need my space for now. Are you okay with that? I really don't want to hurt you and just want you to be happy and I don't think I could give you what you deserve."

So, I was pretty sad and a little humiliated. I just said okay with a smile and that was it.

Ok, I know it seems like I'm a crazy girl who just wants to get married, but that really isn't me. I just wanted to date him and see how things went! (I still don't feel ready for marriage just yet)

I really don't feel like I did anything wrong. But I'm not sure how to handle this now.

I saw him in church today and it was hard for me to even look at him, let alone talk to him..so I didn't. I would still be ok with being friends with him but I don't want to come off as intense or anything.

What should I do?

And uh, why did he kiss me?! Again. He kissed me. Not the other way around. Sure if he was like most guys I'd say that's just how they are..but this guy is different, he's honest and spiritual, he's a really great person.

Any advice?

Thanks.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

I'm guessing that he kissed you because
A) Kissing is fun
B) He finds you attractive
C) The timing seemed appropriate (and I'd argue that it was), and 
D) He wanted to kiss you (and you let him).

All of which are good things.


I don't think you came on to strong, I don't think you were out of line to think this was going somewhere (and I agree that it probably should have), and I think he may have made a big mistake.

But the bottom line is that he broke up with you; and as I've said often, while you two can be friendly, you can never really be close friends.  You either end up together or apart; he either becomes your best friend, or someone else will.


So I think it's best to move on.

I know that may be difficult.


But consider this:  him breaking up with you doesn't mean that you're not great; it means that for a period of time he was smart enough to realize how great you are . . . and then he wasn't.  Some other guy will figure it out, and that guy won't be dumb enough to change his mind.  So keep dating!


And, who knows?  Perhaps if you continue to be nice to this guy he'll figure it out.

And, if so, maybe . . . Just MAYBE . . . you'll let him crawl back and beg you for another chance . . .

But that will be your decision to make.

- Bro Jo

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