Value in . . . You Know . . . Talking

Dear Bro Jo,

I've read a lot of advice from your blog, and I really love it and think it would be very effective in those situations. I'm in a situation of my own right now, and don't really know where to go with it. I'll take any advice you can give :) here's the deal:

I met this guy about a month ago. My parents and his aunt and uncle set us up on a date, and we hit it off very well. Neither of us even knew the other existed before this date, though he is my back-door neighbor (living with said aunt and uncle). Since then, we've gone out/"hung out" several times. We hug after every time, and he even held my hand once while we watched a movie. My family loves him, my dad thinks he really likes me, since he wants to do stuff all the time.  However, he has never mentioned at ALL if he likes me or not or wants to continue to date me.

Part of me respects him for that. I have met lots of guys who are unreadable, but at least after a but they somehow try to tell me how they feel. I've gone out with lots of guys that are too bold, who I've not been interested in. Or those that flirt too much, I don't feel "special". But another part of me is confused as to why he hasn't said anything. If he just thinks I'm a fun friend, I'd like to know..

I do think he's shy or nervous, so he's trying to hide maybe? But.. I am shy too. But I've tried to slip in little things like "hey, I had fun with you tonight" or "I missed hanging out with you the last couple days" to give him a lead or whatever, but he changes the subject it avoids the question. When we DO hang out, many times his sister is there with us too, and to me, it seems to be a simple excuse not to do or say things, if she's there. Though she is super fun and I like her too!

I've met some of his family, and they've made little comments that make it seem like he could like me, but, it could also be that THEY like me and want things to progress... Who knows.

My family already considers us to be "unofficially dating"... But... I don't. Just because he has never said anything even closely related to the topic.

I guess then what my questions are... Does he like me? What should I do in this situation? How can I get him to open up and tell me how he feels? Do I be patient, or gather up all my courage to be bold? If someone else asks me on a date, do I go?

Thank you so much for your help.. It is greatly appreciated in advance. You're the greatest! :)

- Learning to Read Boys




Dear Learning,

You don't mention how old either of you are, so my answer could be one of two different things.

If you're still in High School, my advice is to not take any one boy too seriously and go on lots of Casual Group Dates with lots of different boys.  Keep your "hanging out" in groups (movie parties, mini golf, stuff like that).

If you're an adult . . . well, that's a different story.

First of all, when people talk about “reading” often what they mean is that they expect to be able to guess what's on a person's mind instead of actually . . . you know . . . TALKING to them.  All of the questions you're asking me you should be asking him.

"So . . . I'm sorry if I sound naive, but I'm really in the dark here.  Do you like me?  Do you think of us as a couple?  Are we just buddies or is this something more?  How do you want me to respond to other guys when they ask me out?"

Those are all fair, legitimate questions.

Sure, one can imply that because you're together so much that neither of you is seeing anyone else, but the problem is that you HANG OUT instead of GO OUT.  It's fine to introduce hanging out AFTER one is officially a couple, but even then you should still GO OUT on dates at least once a week (a habit, by the way, which should never end, even during marriage; especially then, actually).

I'm guessing that this boy has no more dating experience than you do; that means you'll need to do some training.  You'll need to teach him that he needs to take you out on an official date at least once a week.  You'll need to tell him things like "you know, once in a while a girl likes to get flowers".  If you do these things in a kind, flirty way, I think the two of you will grow AND have a lot of fun.

AND, if you are Serious Single Dating age, after your third official date (counting the ones he's already taken you on), you might want to ask "so . . . why is it that a smart guy like you hasn't tried to kiss me yet?"


- Bro Jo