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Friday, November 25, 2016

What Comes First: Roommates or Romance?

Dear Bro Jo,

So there is a guy I am quite interested in.

He's not in my ward and we met a couple months ago, so besides our mutual friends I don't know him all that well.

Nonetheless, he has certainly caught my eye and I would very much like to go on a date with this young man. Here's the kicker.

A friend of mine recently asked him what he thought of me.

He said that his roommate really liked me, and that they have a rule in their house when it comes to girls. I get where he's coming from. My roommates and I would never go after the same guy.

It makes for an awkward living situation.

But still. I would really like to get to know this guy better, unfortunately it seems the only way of doing so would be through his roommate and that is just mean.

Should I just give up the thought and move on to other prospects?

Or should I peruse him and risk ruining a friendship?

Sincerely,

- Slightly Perplexed




Dear Perplexed,

One does not cling unto one's roommates for Time and All Eternity.

A gazillion years ago I was one of those guys who dated whomever he wanted, regardless of the feelings of his buddies. And I lost a lot of buddies.

So then I became a guy who decided he would never date anyone that his friends liked. And, sure enough I found myself in a situation where there was a girl in our social group that I really liked; we flirted a lot, and really got along.

But one friend specifically asked me to not ask her out. He really liked her, and had for a long time. 

In fact, he was the one that had introduced her to our social group and had done so in hopes that he'd get to know her better and eventually get up the courage to ask her out.

Time ticked by.

I really liked her, she and I had great conversations, and tons of fun. But I did nothing.

And neither did the other guy.

I waited.

Time kept going by . . . and still he didn't act.

I kept pushing him to ask her out, and he kept delaying and making excuses.

And she and I kept growing closer.

Finally, during one phone conversation she said "I have to know: we get along great, I like you and you like me; how come you've never asked me out?"

I told her about how much our mutal friend liked her and how he asked me to never ask her out.

She sighed and said "look, he's a nice guy, he's been chasing me since elementary school, but he's never asked me out, is never going to ask me out and if he ever did I would say no, and not just because I don't think of him in that way but also because I like you."

So I, without hesitation said "would you like to out on a date with me this Friday?"

My friend was mad at me for a long time.

He felt that I had betrayed him.

The girl eventually told him that she and he were never an option in her mind . . . and then eventually she dumped me (twice in 18 hours - that story is in the postings somewhere), and those two things together helped my friend feel a little better, but it was still a long time before he and I were really pals again.

I don't regret dating her, or "sacrificing" my friendship with him.

The truth is, had he been a better friend he wouldn't have stood in the way or begrudged me taking action when he A) had no chance and B) wasn't taking a chance anyway.

And those lessons paid off for me a short time later when I was the only guy who had the courage to pursue a girl that ALL of my friends wanted to date.

That girl, the one that I had to work for and did so while others only talked about it, the one I dated regardless of the "risk" of losing all of my friends who also wanted to date her (and it was many), we now call Sister Jo.

So my answer for you is this: if you're interested in dating the roommate, then tell the roommate that you'd like to date him and you're wondering if he's ever going to ask you out.

If you like this guy instead, then tell him "look, I hear your roommate likes me and that's the only reason you won't ask me out"; and if he confirms that's true, then tell him what the one girl told me. 

Because, when we're all done, it's our spouse to whom we're bound for Time and Al Eternity, not our roommates or our pals.

- Bro Jo

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