[Readers - About 9 months ago I published "How to Break Up with Her", my response to a letter from a young man in Australia who was being pursued by a girl at school, and he wanted me to give him a list of ways on how to gently break it off. The Follow Up to that letter follows a rerun of the original post below. - Bro Jo]
Hello there Bro Jo,
I’m a teenager writing to you after having read your blog for a while (it’s a very great one I have to say) and noticing I need some help of my own after some recent events.
You see. There’s this girl (non member) that likes me (and I have to admit I like her a bit too) that has asked me out. I said yes and almost instantly I felt a weird feeling that felt like it was saying “no” (and I’m pretty sure I know what that was). Now she is already saying stuff like “I love you” in a text, or “miss you”
I have met up with girl a few times before this and on those occasions we have kissed (they weren't too passionate) and held hands. Etc. but on those occasions I always felt ‘empty’ inside when I did kiss and afterwards I felt down.
I’m pretty sure I know this girl is not the right one for me. Because in my patriarchal blessing it says something about a beautiful young woman and me marrying her in the temple (yay!!) but right now I just need some help in breaking up and also to help prevent events like this happening again. I don't want to be too mean to her as I am not a very good talker with girls.
I just want help with this girl so I can prevent sins that I know will tempt me if I continue down this path because I know this church is true and I have a strong testimony of the gospel. And I don’t want to lose the chance to marry a “beautiful young woman” when I am older
Yours truly,
Marcoda
Dear Marcoda,
Breaking up is tough, my man, especially if you want to maintain your "good guy" status.
Before I give you advice on this one, I hope you don't mind if I point out that: A) this is why young people should avoid the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing at your age, and B) what I've been saying to girls for years is true: don't be the pursuer.
Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, here's the key to breaking up with a teenage girl: do it fast and keep it simple.
The longer you wait the more horrific it can be. Unless she's decided she doesn't like you or, more likely, she's found someone else, she's going to be hurt and angry and mad no matter what you do or say. I'm a firm believer that there's no such thing as an amicable mutual breakup. So hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
There are some things you can say to lessen the blow. Here are some favorites (but keep in mind that Ol' Bro Jo got dumped WAY MORE than he did the breaking up):
Bro Jo's THINGS a GUY CAN SAY to SOFTEN the BREAKUP
1. "I think you're a wonderful girl, but I'm just not in a place right now where I want a girlfriend"
Yup. That's it. Pretty short list, huh?
The truth is that anything more than that spells disaster. Any reason you give, any explanation, is just going to make it worse. Don't make any promises you won't be able to keep, like "let's just be friends" or things you don't believe like "it's not you it's me".
Be brave. Try to do it in person.
But do it soon. Do it now.
Good luck.
Let me know how it goes.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
As for an update I'm sorry for taking so long to reply....I've been really busy with school and other things (one of them being EFY...and I'd like to say this to all youth...it will change your life so much. Go to it no matter the cost, you will never be the same again). I never really thought about your question until recently.
Well you'll be happy to hear that me and that girl no longer go out, and she goes out with other guys. But she has tried to ask me out again recently when she broke up with a guy but this time I took your advice and said that I don't want a girlfriend right now.she kinda begged for me to be her boyfriend but I stood firm and still said no.
I'd like to say that yes you are right in that its not a good idea to have a girlfriend around my age, and i know without a doubt in my heart that this church is true... and I do look forward to that day where I meet that beautiful young woman I will marry ...whoever that is...=)
Thanks,
Marcoda
Dear Marcoda,
You not having a girlfriend is not a source of joy for me. You staying focused on a mission, realizing that this girl is just using you between boyfriends, and holding true to your standards makes me very proud of you.
All the best,
- Bro Jo
2 comments:
What exactly do you mean by girls not being the pursuer? Are there certain circumstances or times when a girl can take the lead without scaring off guys?
I mean "don't pursue guys", don't be aggressive. Don't ask them out on dates, don't call them, don't initiate text sessions, don't ask them to dance. Good Guys typically find it a huge turn off.
A lot of people don't like to hear that . . . but it's true.
There are rare exceptions; girl ask guy dances and events, but even then a girl is better off if she asks a guy who has previously asked her.
As a girl you want to be pursued, and can "strongly encourage" guys to pursue you. That's a valuable skill. And very different.
- Bro Jo
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