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Friday, March 23, 2012

The Emotional Cheater

Dear Bro Jo,

Here's the situation:

For the past 3 months me and this guy have been casually talking and flirting with one another. We both like each other. I've told him that I like him and he's returned the same feeling. We haven't been on a date, but have merely been talking after institute and during some Sundays.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that he's fully lead me on. He's told me things such as "you're beautiful" and "I see you as my eternal companion"... All that shenanigans. You probably can tell that I'm a bit frustrated? Lol.

Well I am.


So this has been going on for a good 3 months. I'd told him, why isn't he making anything happen with me and him? No initiation of a date or anything! His reply has ALWAYS been "I want to take you on a date, but I'm trying to concentrate on my studies and plus I'm busy almost every day"....

Fair enough I tell myself. So I let things slide with him.

Now, 3 weeks ago, I go out to a concert with my girlfriends and at this concert I happen to run into Mr. (let’s call him Bruce). Well I happen to run into Bruce, and he happens to be with another girl, (So much for being busy almost every day huh?) a girl who I know to be from the YSA and who was not his sister, nor related to him in anyway.

A bit confused about seeing him at this concert with this girl, I do what any other girl would do and asked around about him and her. To my astonishment, I'd found out that he's been dating this girl for the past 9 months!

Of even greater astonishment, they are on the verge of engagement!

The following week, I hit him up about her and what I'd heard. He bluntly denied everything and continued to tell me that he's keen on me and that he really wants to pursue me. BACK-TRACK: Now, just to be clear, in the very beginning when we'd started being flirtatious, I'd asked him if he was seriously dating anyone (just so that I wasn't getting into another girls territory), and he said that he NEVER asked a girl out on a date and that I was the first girl he’s been keen on to pursue.

Ok, back to the story....

So just three days ago, his engagement was made official on FB. And yet I'd seen him the day before this announcement on FB and he'd still been ranting on about how he has feelings for me and what not. Puzzling huh?

Or is it just me?

I'm really confused about this!

I didn't read any signs wrong. He's a decent guy (I thought). He's an RM, who has a pretty good reputation in our stake. I'm totally over him, wasn't in love with him or anything, but I just want to understand why he lead me on the way he did?

Was I some kind of "fun" for him before he commits? We didn't do anything, we just flirted and that was it. Or is he just simply a jerk? I don't know, so I'm asking you...

Please in some way explain what the heck is wrong with this guy!

Or is something wrong with me?



Dear Confused,

Either you were misreading what he was saying (i.e. he said "I think you'd make a great eternal companion" and in your head you added "for me"), or he has a twin, or he's a coward and a liar and a cheat.

I'm with you; I think it’s the last one.

I don't think you read anything wrong.

Sometimes, when people are unsure about their own attractiveness, the relationship they're in, or the commitment they've made (or are about to make), they'll test the waters with someone else. They're looking for reassurance or trying to make a backup plan.

It's neither right nor fair, but it happens all the time.

I think its okay for you to confront him and demand an explanation. You may not be satisfied with his answer, he may lie or flirt again, but it might be worth a shot.

Whether you talk to him again or not, eventually you'll need to let it, and him, go.
I'm torn about whether or not you should tell his fiance. (Not that you asked . . .) If she were my daughter, I'd want her to know that she's about to marry a cheater . . . and, let's face it, he's not the "good guy" people think he is.

She deserves an explanation, too . . .

And there's a good chance, frankly, that you're not the only girl he did this with.

Of course, if you do tell her, it will have to come across as one concerned sister to another, not that you're jealous.

Sorry it didn't work out.

But aren't you glad you're you instead of her!?!

She should call off the engagement and drop him like a hot rock. If he grovels and honestly comes clean, then she could reconsider him . . . but you never should.

There are better guys out there.

I promise.

You deserve better than to be someone's back-up.

- Bro Jo


Laura said...

I know someone who married a guy who did pretty much this exact same thing, and she found out, considered dumping him, but didn't because she didn't want to lose him. When I visited her before their wedding, she had changed so much, and not in a good way. It's not my place to say they shouldn't be sealed in the temple, especially since the Lord knows stuff I don't know... but it really makes me sad that there are people who will go so low, and their fiance will continue to hold on, only to drag themselves down, too.
Because it's easier to make yourself think things will be okay than it is to break off a relationship.
But easier isn't always better. :\

I definitely think this girl needs to know. It could save a lot of heartbreak and hardship down the road. Even if they do get married and it lasts for eternity, she needs to know that this has happened, because chances are, if she doesn't know about this, there are probably other things about him that she doesn't know, either. Things about his personality, and that he has a tendency to come close to cheating under pressure, which is so dangerous and scary.

Jdawg said...

This reminds me of something a married friend told me: "When you get married, there shouldn't be anything anyone could tell your wife she doesn't already know." Obviously you'll never know someone completely when you first marry, something like this should be in the open between the betrothed.

I know when I get married, if I were to find out later that my wife had acted that way, I'd me angry at her for doing it and not coming clean, as well as the person who it happened with for not making sure I knew.

Anonymous said...

This reminds me of... Me, in some ways

Anonymous said...

Well then maybe you should fix the wrong. No man or woman should have to go through the effects if emotional, or physical cheating. The hard thing about emotional cheating is how it can often be hard to catch, and then treated.
Still, it is Not Fair to be an emotional cheater, and like it or not but if word gets around your life could fall apart. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone if they know they will just play with your feelings.