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Monday, March 19, 2012

Dateless at BYU

Dear Bro Jo,

I am a student at BYU and I hardly ever go on dates. When I do go on the rare date, it is with someone I already knew before coming here.

My friends, however, seem to have different dates every weekend. I'm not usually shy, but when it comes to talking to a cute guy sitting next to me in class, I'm speechless.

Do you have any advice on talking to guys and occasionally getting a date? I've always thought it was the guys responsibility to make the first move and ask a girl out, but none ever do. Thanks for the help,

- Dateless at BYU

Dear Dateless,

I posted a column on February 28, 2011 (CLICK HERE) that may help. Not everything necessarily applies to you, but it may be worth taking a look at.

Some guys, even at the Y (okay, especially at the Y) are real duds. They're superficial, they set "minimum standards" that they themselves couldn't possibly meet, and they just fail to date nearly as much as they should. As I see it, it's our job (yours, mine, and Sister Jo's) to educate those dunderheads. You're going to have to accept the fact that there are great guys out there that, for whatever reason (and they don't deserve all of the blame; we parents and leaders have failed to educate and train Too Many young men in this area) are either too shy or too dumb to realize that they should be asking you out.

We can fix that.

And by "we" . . . I mean "you".

Yes, it's absolutely their responsibility to ask you out, but you've got to lower your guard a little; let them know you're date-able. That means . . . (brace yourself) . . . you're going to have to start talking to them. All of them. The cute ones, the weird ones, the intimidating ones and even those you may not have any attraction to (or at least think you don't).

Start today.

Pick a new guy every class (or every hour) and start a conversation. Get to know some new people. That's your assignment.

By the end of this week I want you to send me an email telling me about AT LEAST 20 new guys you've met. You should know their names, what they're studying (or where they're working), something about them, and whether or not they're seeing anyone.

It goes like this:

"Hi, my name is _________. How are you enjoying (insert "this class", "that hamburger", "the sunshine", anything you can think of that seems relevant).

When he responds, ask his name if he doesn't offer it.

Chat a little bit, and near the end of the conversation you say "so . . . are you seeing anyone?"

If he says "yes", tell him it was nice to meet him. If he says "no", you follow up with "well, you should call me sometime" and give him your phone number.

Dating isn't for the faint of heart, but being married is pretty cool, so it's worth some serious effort.

Not kidding about the assignment. I expect an email.

Good luck!

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Okay, so I didn't quite get 20 guys... but I still got a lot!

The first time I stepped outside of my comfort zone and talked to a guy turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. Turns out he is a photography major, which is what I am trying to get in to. I felt a lot better about myself talking to guys and it definitely made the week go by faster and more fun!

Okay, so the report.

I talked to 12 guys. I didn't find out all of their majors or if they were available, but I found out all of their names!

I will be talking to more guys from now on and getting out of my comfort zone. I have a date planned in the near future, so things are definitely looking up.

Thanks so much for your help and advice!

It has really helped me a lot!

- Now Dating at BYU

Dear Dating,

Good for you!

Excellent news!

Have fun,

- Bro Jo


dave said...

Great story about lovely "Dateless" and how she got out of her "comfort zone" in order to feel better about herself.
I guess that I got rejected by women so often ( people say I am such a wonderful guy) that I found my own comfort zone by living a very comfortable and rewarding life with no women involved at all. Kudos to Bro Jo!

Dave Johnston said...

This comment above is revealing. And taken in conjunction with the other comment you made . . .

at the same time . . . well . . . it's pretty sad, really.

Sitting on the sofa flipping channels every night may be comfortable . . . but it's not much of a life.

- Bro Jo

Josia said...

I disagree with the 'she got out of her comfort zone to feel better about herself' comment. I believe she got out of her comfort zone because she wanted to change her current situation - to go from no dates to 'dating' - and change begins with YOU no one else. This had nothing to do with how she felt about herself and if anything putting herself out there means she thinks quite a lot about herself and she is absolutely right...mad props and respect to that.

Rejection is a part of life. The best things never and shouldn't come easy (that said I have only been rejected once and in hindsight he was doing me a favour)
kudos to you for finding a comfortable and rewarding life that you feel works for you but personally I would rather 'live' than 'exist and heartbreak and rejection are a small part of the journey of living.

Anonymous said...

I actually was the one who wrote this letter. I didn't go out of my comfort zone to feel better about myself. I don't need guys to feel good about myself. I did it so that I didn't miss out on an amazing opportunity. Talking to more guys led me to a relationship that ended up breaking my heart but I am so grateful for it. It taught me so much and helped me realize who I want to be. I was rejected but it made me stronger. Now I have met a wonderful man who I get to marry in the temple in two weeks. I am so grateful for all of my experiences as they have helped me be ready to meet my spouse.

Anonymous said...

If guys are interested, we will ask. 90% of the guys date 10% of the girls. Just because we guys don't ask YOU out does not mean we don't ask girls out. We may not want to lead you on with a date, because you might see it as a big deal since you don't go on dates often. Learn to be one of the 10% and guys will ask you out :) yeah you're "amazing faultless perfect and better than men, someone who doesn't need to earn respect but inherits it simply for being a girl", but sorry hun that's not the problem. The problem is that you have competition: you have a ton of girls just like that, and we guys go for the ones we like most :) you need to change to be more attractive to guys, fast! Because if you don't, you can complain about a lack of dates but we guys won't notice: we'll be out on dates with the 10% :-D

Dave Johnston said...

Hmmm . . .



Probably does more sitting at home playing video games than actually dating???

Tough to say . . .

Sure, there's some value in pointing out that being positive and doing the best you can with what you've got helps you attract the opposite sex, but this dude is:

A) totally wrong about his stats

B) demeaning

C) likely all talk and too superficial to find a great girl anyway

- Bro Jo