Dear Brother Jo,
This is probably going to be a pretty long email. haha. I just found out tonight that my younger sisters boyfriend is planning on proposing to her. Thats exciting news, right? Well...not that i'm not excited...(cuz I totally am for her) but I just kinda feel like I was punched right in the gut. I'm the oldest of 3 . . . and now I will be the only one out of the 3 not married. I'm 26...I mean, I should have a husband and 3 kids by now right? haha.
I feel like such a loser and yes, I know that I will have that blessing someday in God's time...but, that doesn't make it any easier. I mean I'd be ok if I was dating someone, but asking God for that is like asking for pigs to fly. haha. I've lived all over Utah and it just seems like I've been over looked and surpassed because I don't have the nice body and I don't dress like I came from a magazine and well...I'm just...me. That can't be such an awful thing, right?
Well, society is telling me otherwise and all that seems to be happening is this "hanging out" thing which drives me crazy. Whatever happened to a good ol fashioned, "hey i'd like to get to know you better...can I come pick you up and we can go to the park?"...or whatever happened to a plain phone call...none of this texting business...am I completely off base?
What do I do? How do I get the guys to notice me? Its not like I'm completely un social...I go to my ward activities, I try and be friends...I'm staying busy with life going to school and working, going to church, fulfilling my callings, I'm strong and active in the gospel (what more do these fellows want?)...I travel and try and live...but, I feel like giving up. In fact, I'm finding that I'm becoming comfortable being alone...i shouldn't feel like that should I? I'm pretty much just becoming complacent anymore and it feels like I'm almost apathetic...I don't want to be an old angry single woman....please help, what do i do?
Sincerely,
Single and Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
You're not off base at all, but I think it's time to put a little more effort into you helping you.
First of all, the hangout happens because you and your fellow sisters let it happen. You complain about no one asking you out, but who wants to date his sister? Or cousin? (Okay, I'm sure there are SOME guys that do . . . but I'd stay away from those.) You get all chummy, guys coming over and watching videos, making cookies, you propagate the hangout; you've created your own nightmare. Guys don't want to kiss their pals, they want to kiss women; you need to stop being a buddy and start being an object of desire.
That last line is probably going to get me in a little bit of trouble . . . I certainly don't encourage, promote (or even tolerate) the objectification of women; what I'm talking about is a little bit different. If you want guys to find you attractive, you need to do your best to attract them.
(Please understand that I'm saying this with the full realization that I've never seen you, and don't know you at all.)
In general, I think women your age can profit from a few tips. Some may apply to you, some may not, but before you dismiss any of them do us both the favor of being open and objective.
In no particular order:
"Bro Jo's HOW SINGLE ADULT SISTERS CAN TAKE IT UP A NOTCH"
1) Dress less casual. No sweats, sweatshirts, big t-shirts, sloppy clothes. No one is taken seriously in sweats. Trade the flip-flips for heels, the pants for skirts, and the sack-dress for something that shows you're a girl.
2) Do your hair. Not only will a new style make you feel more pretty, it will get you noticed (even though we men are often too dumb to know why it is we're noticing). Scrunchies are for the gym; the "messy bun" looks like, well . . . a mess. And good gravy, please be aware that your head is a 3-dimensional object; don't for get the back of it.
3) Two words: make over. Get one. Give one to a friend. Good makeup need not be heavy, in fact it looks better if it doesn't look like you're wearing makeup. (Sister Jo could give a class on this. In fact, she has. She should go on tour.)
4) Demand respect. That covers everything from refusing to enter a door if there's a man there to hold it open for you (any man; your dad, the bishop, some 12-year old boy you've never met). Don't be a diva about it; bat your eyes and ask sweetly "could you open the door for me, please?" And then be sure to be thankful, perhaps adding something like "it's nice to be treated well by such a gentleman". Both my 11 and 3 year old daughters insist that I and their brothers open every door we come to. They're princesses and deserve to be treated as such.
This goes for the whole texting and hanging out thing as well. You don't call men, they call you. Change your answering machine so the greeting message says so. If some one sends you a text, give a quick reply that says "I don't text men, but I'm happy to talk to you, give me a call". And then NEVER RESPOND AGAIN.
5) Pretty underwear. Sister Jo has pounded in to me that nothing makes a girl feel more girlie than frilly things. Get rid of the cotton and go pick up some silk and lace.
6) Work out. You should never think that you have to be a size 0 to compete; any guy that demands that deserves to be lonely, but do the best you can with what you've got. Active is attractive. Hit the gym, go for a walk, do some crunches in front of the TV. You may not be called by XYZ modeling agency, but you'll definitely feel better about yourself, and guys will notice that.
7) Widen your horizons. Try something new. A new sport, hobby, activity, event, class; anything where you can meet people outside of the sphere in which you currently travel.
You're not a loser, but you can't win if you sit on the sidelines; you won't win if you let the opposing team set all the rules.
Good luck, have fun, and keep me posted, would ya?
God bless,
- Bro Jo
15 comments:
Good advice... Although wearing Garments kind of detract from the whole pretty underwear thing. haha!!
I know you're joking, but I've got to say that I totally disagree.
- Bro Jo
he said underwear, not panties. You still need to wear a bra, even with garments. I know my sister ( an rm) does that, she has all kinds of bras.
Thanks, BroJo. As usual, the advice is top-notch. Just one question. The hair advice really bugged me. I mean, who the heck cares about my messy bun? My hair is my hair! lol I'm not going to go all beauty pageant every day.
haha
Appearance isn't everything, but the old saying is true: if you don't care about your appearance, no one else will either.
- Bro Jo
The hair thing is totally true. About a month into this semester (of college) I hadn't had a date. I got a fresh cut and color on a Wednesday. I had two dates by that weekend.
I'd like to add one more thing to the list: be happy. Happy people are approachable.
I'm not a shallow person, and neither is my boyfriend, so we just enjoy each other in our grubs. But whenever he dresses up for a nice occasion, I just melt and fall in love with the goof all over again ;)
1) There's a difference between being in a relationship and finding a relationship.
2) Looking one's best and being attracted to someone physically is not enough to qualify one as shallow.
3) Good for him AND for you! (I hope you dress up for him, too!)
- Bro Jo
BroJo--
I understand the difference between being in a relationship and looking for a relationship, but if you dress nicely until you have a relationship, and then relax a bit, won't that turn off your significant other? Won't they have started a relatiponship with you because you dressed nice and that's what they wanted?
It just seems not quite honest to yourself if you prefer more casual duds.
Not at all.
Think of it this way: I love to dress casually, but I wear a white shirt and tie at Church, School, and Work. Why?
Are my students and clients under the impression that I never ear sweats?
They may not be able to picture it, but the have to realize that I don't wear the tie every day, right?
Am I being dishonest by dressing nice at school and work?
Of course not.
- Bro Jo
My daughters read your blog and asked me to read this one.
This is what I have to say to this 26 year-old young woman.
When I was a young single woman I was told to get an education and a good job just in case I never married and just live my life, not wait around for someone to come along and marry me. I did everything I could on those fronts but still looked and hoped for someone for me.
After getting my AAS and RM and still not finding anyone I finally gave up. (I was 28 by then.) I decided I wasn't going to find anyone and therefore had to plan my life as a single. I did.
Within a few months I was asked out on my first date in years by a 28 year-old RM who was seriously looking for marriage.
Twenty years, and five kids later, we're still happily married.
My advice. Bro Jo is right on the money, but it's when you're not looking that Mr. Right just might make an appearance.
I have to write a few words about this. I understand completely how the young 26 year old woman feels. By the time I was 27 and unmarried, I was really wondering what was wrong with me. I wanted to marry someone I loved but was wondering if maybe I wasn't asking too much. I really didn't date very much. Then I met this young man also RM(5 years younger than me) and we started dating. He wasn't thinking about getting married soon, but we did marry less than a year later (one month before my 28th birthday). Now 24 years later and 2 daughters and one granddaughter we are still together. I just want to say, nothing is wrong with you. I will help to follow the up one notch. But don't get discouraged, continue to make the right choices like you seem to have made so far. You will find somebody who loves you. Don't hurry, you seem to be a very lovable young lady. Wish you the very best.
I think it's also worthwhile to point out that you don't have to be uncomfortable or spend a lot to look nice. I think that's one of the biggest myths about dressing up a little. Jersey dresses, cute flats, and flowy skirts can all look nice and feminine without being over-the-top or uncomfortable. As for costs, I love thrift stores for cute, unique clothes at a fraction of the price.
You may even find that you like dressing up a little but. I actually miss wearing skirts and dresses to school now that I have to ride a bike everywhere. They just don't work quite as well anymore. :)
What about saying, "I don't text boys, but I'm happy to talk to men if they give me a call."
Brilliant!
- Bro Jo
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