Forgiveness and Balance

Dear Readers,

Friday I posted a column called "Forgiveness is the Lord's" and received what I think is a very valid and poignant comment/question. Sometimes the comments get missed by our readership, so I've elected to run the comment and my response as a Bonus Column, below.

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

"...Immoral behavior is a huge turn-off, a deal breaker if you will, for many high-standard people, and there's nothing wrong with that".

I've heard you say something along these lines several times. Why is that? That seems awfully harsh to me. People make mistakes, especially when they're young. It seems foolish and unfair (to put my thoughts kindly) to deny others the chance.  Can I hear your reasoning?

- Mille



Dear Mille,

Sure. (Thanks for asking!  It's a great, and fair, question.)

It's a turn-off because people who have followed the Lord's commandments and saved sex for marriage are disappointed (and sometimes grossed out) when they hear that someone else hasn't.

I'll be blunt: lots of people don't like the idea of their body parts coming into contact with the body parts of someone who's let lots of people's body parts touch their body parts.

And they have that right.

Harsh?

Or fair?

There are three principles that converge on this point.

1) Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and His Atoning Sacrifice. Each of us has the right and opportunity to repent, and it's not our place to deny that to anyone else.

2) Agency. Everyone can chose for himself (to an extent) what he does or doesn't do. A person can choose to mess up and, gratefully, choose to repent. Likewise a person can choose to not marry anyone who's had certain mess-ups in their life.

3) Consequence. While proper repentance makes things right with God, we can (and typically do) still have worldly consequences for our actions. God can forgive us of what we've done, but others may judge us. Should they? Well . . . yes and no. Yes, ultimate judgement is the Lords, but individual agency and our own desire to do what's right require us to make judgments too.

Can someone cast their virtue aside, trashing their reputation and their body? Sure.

Can that same person sincerely repent, and be brought back into the good grace of the Lord? Yes, but it's not easy. While repentance is always worth it, true repentance is emotionally and spiritually hard enough that you not only regret what you did, you vow never to do it again. Always worth it, but not necessarily easy.

Are people required by God to mind their own business when it comes the repentance of others? Absolutely! With the exception of the priesthood authority that may be needed to help with the repentance process, and others that the sinner needs for help, an individual's repentance is none of our concern outside of our love for them.

Can a Good Christian accept the power of the atonement in the life of another and love them, regardless of what they've done? They must if they truly want to be considered a Disciple of Christ

Does accepting the power of the atonement mean that you have to be willing to marry someone who cast aside their virtue? Not at all. You have your agency, too. Now, you might be making a serious mistake ruling out someone who has such a powerful testimony of the atonement in their life (assuming they've truly repented) just because they failed to live up to your standards or it grosses you out to know what they've done. But you do have that right. Loving someone as a fellow child of God does not mean that you have to drop your own standards.

Accepting someone's right to change is noble and truly Christian. But inviting that person to be your eternal companion is not required.

I count among the many friends I'm fortunate to have people who've done (or are doing) things that I know are not what the Lord wants them do.  I know and love people, young and old, whom I pray will take advantage of the atonement and cast aside their sinful and destructive behavior.  I help when I can (and when they ask) and, while I don't approve of what they do, I still consider them my brothers and sisters.  Heck, I'm not perfect (by any means, just ask Sister Jo and the Jo Kids), so who am I to cast someone out of my life simply because they've made mistakes or are doing stuff I don't do?

If we live our lives only interacting with the sinless and perfect, not only will it be a lonely existence, but how will we share our testimonies of Jesus should a person ever need to hear that testimony?

And yet, I also know that for me to follow Christ I must do my best to stand in holy places.  If I have a coworker who, let's say, has a drinking problem outside of work.  I can still work with them, and would even invite them into my home (so long as their sober at the time), but I won't follow them into the bar.  Nor will I berate them into repentance unless they either ask for help, are in some kind of danger, or I know them very well.

If my son comes to me and asks: "Hey, Papa, I'm in love with a woman who is good now, but had multiple sex partners in high school, what should I do?"

I will ask him if he believes she had truly repented.  If he says "no", I'll advise him to look elsewhere.

If he says:  "yes, but it still bothers me", I will ask him to take how he feels to the Lord.

If my son can change in his heart how he feels about her previous actions, and truly set it aside, then I'll tell him to go forward.

If, after truly pondering the situation he says:  "I just can't overcome the idea that so many guys have seen and experienced what I've always hoped my wife would save for me", then he should gently move on.

And he has every right to do so.

As does any sister in a similar situation.

We have the right to hold our spouse, especially an eternal one, to a higher standard than our friends and associates.

That's not harsh.  It's reality.

And one of the reasons we old people plead with you young people to save sex for marriage.  A virtuous person is valuable indeed, and worth seeking and waiting for.

- Bro Jo