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Monday, July 8, 2013

Sometimes, Girls, You Need to Do Some Training

Dear Bro Jo.

I am having trouble figuring out this young man.

I am 22 years old, and am ready for the next phase in life. I am a college student and have had several classes with this particular young man. I met him about a year ago at a mutual friends birthday party and thought that he was nice and attractive.

With that being said here is what’s on my mind.

After having some classes together, same study groups, nothing came about of us. Until this past month, I had put him into the friend, or acquaintance category, and moved on a couple months back when I thought nothing would come about of the two of us.

It was until we saw each other studying in the library a couple weeks ago, the next time we both were there he sat at the table next to me, and the time after that he asked to sit with me to study.

Since then it has become a ritual that we sit together, although conversation is little to none, why does he always want to come sit with me?

I don’t know how to talk to him because I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I see him at the gym we notice each other say hi and that’s where we leave things. I don’t know if I am just reading things wrong.

Is he interested?

I try to talk to him but its always the small talk. I want to get to know him more and see if there is something that will come about of us but am kind of shy and timid when it comes to guys, especially when there is interest.

Do you have any advice of what I should do?

Or do you know what he could be thinking from a guy’s perspective?

Thanks,

- Wondering Woman




Dear Wondering,

I think he likes you but needs some encouragement.

So ask him. "Hey, you and I seem to get along pretty well, and I'd sure like to get to know you better . . . are you ever going to ask me on a date?"

He might be shy, he might be inexperienced . . . In a world where lots of girls are scarily sexually aggressive, gender definitions are being muddled, and paranoid LDS parents have failed to teach their sons how to dance and date, we have a lot of single men who need more than a little training; with this guy that just may be your job.

So tell him it's okay to ask you out.

(Sister Jo says "arm touching and eye batting can be helpful!)

Let me know how it goes,

- Bro Jo

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear bro Jo:

I hope I don't sound conceited but these are real concerns for me. The other day at FHE a few of my FHE brothers began talking about girls that they talk to on LDS singles. I know it sounds selfish but it made me feel kinda bad: surrounded by so many girls here at BYU, guys here are seriously looking into online dating to meet girls from other areas?!?

What pushes guys, guys who have HUNDREDS/THOUSANDS of quality cream-of-the-crop girls available so close to them, to go online searching for girls to date and marry? As you can probably tell, I don't get asked out much. The church counsels us against hanging out so essentially I'm never around guys except during classes and church activities, and those are awkward because it seems like all the boys are in the market lining up around the cute girls while the rest of us have to be together to not stand alone awkwardly. I figured that if I want dates then guys should come to me. They're the ones that should be making the invitations and we girls are suppose to do the selecting, not the other way around. If they don't get married in this life, they can't be exalted. That doesn't apply to us girls: if no one ever asks us to marry then we'll just marry someone in the afterlife and be exalted. Girls can't become sons of perdition, but guys can, and they can't be exalted without us. So if we don't like a guy, he should just move on but he should keep asking girls out. They should be able to take rejection and move on to different girls and ask us all out. Sorry to sound mean, but as a daughter of God I am entitled to dates and to being the selector. I am not to be in a position where some guy does the selecting.

Anonymous said...

How do you say it's okay to ask you out when you're scared to? I'm always way too nervous to say anything like that to a guy even when I want to. Besides, even if he liked me, wouldn't he get so creeped out by me saying that that he wouldn't ever do it because he'd write me off for being someone who talked to him?

Bro Jo said...

If a guy is in an area where the field isn't exactly blanketed white, then I think anything he can do to meet new people is a good idea. (Girls, too.)

But when you're in an area with thousands of opportunities, the only reason to go virtual is . . . in my opinion . . . you're a pathetic coward in need of serious social training. You hide behind a firewall because you feel that it protects you in some way; it allows you to pretend to be someone you're not; it gives you confidence you're lacking.

Now, as for you, dear sister, I'd like you to read some counsel on our Facebook Page that was shared with one of our readers. It's stuff that's been said before . . . but perhaps you'll take better notice with it coming from another girl.

https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10151589166804635&id=52304699634&comment_id=27035286&offset=0&total_comments=11

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for the girl that commented above and I hope she finds what she's looking for. At the same time, part of her post shocked me as it sounded sexist, and I can't believe that we accept such derogatory comments about guys from our girls. We sure wouldn't tolerate that if it were the other way around. "Girls can't become sons of perdition, but guys can".....did she seriously say this? If that isn't sexist/female supremacist then I don't know what is. As far as her comments on exaltation: we are ALL supposed to work on finding a companion to be exalted with. If the blessing of marriage was denied to any of us (man or woman) then we will still be able to receive that blessing later on IF we sincerely strived for that in this life and just didn't get there. However, if we don't work on finding a companion and we're too passive about this/leaving the responsibility to someone else (man or woman), then we won't be exalted. Doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman, for the Lord looketh in the heart.

"if we don't like a guy, he should just move on....they should be able to take rejection and move on to different girls and ask us all out." So let me get this straight: we women want a guy to like us and think we're special and all that stuff if we like him, but if we don't like him then he should immediately move on and leave it like it never happened..? What about the guy's feelings...don't those count too? Whenever we girls like a guy, do WE simply forget about it immediately and move on as if it never happened? Wouldn't we start to feel bad about ourselves if that rejection came time and time again? I've been there and I think so. Having brothers and a few close guy friends growing up, I've realized that guys have these same feelings too.

Essentially, the girl above (and any girl who echoes her feelings) have good intentions in that they want to be married, but they fail to be considerate for the guys' feelings and fail to put themselves in their shoes. If I were a guy, I would have a lot of trouble falling in love with someone who goes out to say that I could become a son of perdition while she can't...those type of things should not be said. She wants to be the selector and not be selected "by just some guy". Talk about a lack of knowledge in regards to the worth of a son of God. We say that men and women are equal in the sight of God, but sadly there are many who believe that women are superior to men and they demean them so much. As a fellow latter-day saint girl, I feel ashamed when I hear those kind of remarks.

Bro Jo said...

Each of us is entitled to our feelings . . . we just shouldn't let the negative ones rule our lives.

My understanding of the Doctrine is that both men and women can become "sons of perdition", that not being married is not one of the qualifiers for that damnation, that it's extremely rare, and that I wouldn't wish Outer Darkness on anyone.

Well . . . maybe a few historically evil people . . .

And, as I understand it, there's strong scriptural implications that if a man wants to achieve the "highest degree of glory" he needs to (at some point in his existence) enter into the New and Everlasting Covenant of Eternal Marriage.

I also think it says somewhere that we don't magically become different people with different attitudes just because we die; and that we shouldn't expect that the opportunities that we knowingly avoided here will be presented again in the hereafter.

All y'all can come up with your own conclusions.

- Bro Jo

(PS: I'm also pretty sure it says that the only people married in the hereafter, and thus having spirit children, are those in the Celestial Kingdom. I'm not sure how Spirit Children are made . . . but I know how earthly children are made, and I'm pretty sure that if you're not in the Celestial Kingdom you won't be doing anything that resembles the making of children . . . )


And that's more doctrine-y stuff than we typically get into here.

Anonymous said...

Does the same advice apply if you've gone out once or twice, but he still acts interested after quite some time after the last date?

It's been about 6 months since our last date and I'm a little confused why he would not ask me out again yet still do flirty things.

Bro Jo said...

@ Anon,

Why sit around wondering?

Why not just ask him?

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

So I just say "Hey is there a reason you haven't asked me out again?"

Bro Jo said...

Um . . . yeah!

Or maybe:

"So . . . I don't get you, we go out, we have fun, I'm really cute, and fun and smart, which you must know because you flirt with me all the time, but you haven't asked me out in, like, 6 months . . . what's your issue here?"

Whatever works best for you.

I mean, really, why waste your time sitting around wondering?

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Hmm I guess I'm making things more complicated than they need to be

Thanks!

Mama Cheese said...

I was astonished to read Anonymous #1's comment ^^. Perhaps, dear sister, you would get asked out more often if you did the work necessary to turn yourself into one of "the cute girls" that you seem to resent. Your first step should be losing the entitlement mentality; a kind, radiant personality is much more attractive.

The rest of what men "line up" around the block for is window dressing--being in shape, doing your hair & make up, wearing some cute clothes & heels that make you feel your best, etc.--and you can't neglect those because guys are made by God to be visual creatures, so you won't catch their eye without being nice to look at.

Girls who are beautiful both inside and out have no trouble attracting the amazing young men who abound here in happy valley.

Bro Jo said...

@ the "scared" Anon,

Don't allow your fears to control your life.

If he freaks out when you ask a normal question in a sincere and polite way (and yes "why don't you ask me out on a date" is a normal question), then he wasn't a good pick anyway.

At least not right now. Maybe when he becomes a man he will be . . .

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

I see a lot of girls who complain about never being asked out, but don't make themselves available to guys. They go to dances with their girlfriends, they won't sit with guys at church (hey, Sunday School flirting CAN happen), and they won't talk to guys at activities without being approached first.

There are a LOT of girls where the only difference between "the cute girl that guys line up for" and the one getting no dates is that the "cute girl" has figured out how to be social. While men typically ask, dating is not a one way street and you won't go out with anyone if you treat it like it is.