Dear Bro Jo,
My friend is on a mission.
He's at the MTC right now and has been for almost 2 months. Before he left, he liked me a ton.
I liked him too, but just a little bit, and stopped after he started getting a little bit . . . crazy . . . if you will.
For about 6 straight months before he left, he seemed so just . . . crazy about everything.
He wanted me to "wait" for him and not date anybody else while he was gone. He said we were meant to be and he needed me to get through life and I was selfish if I did't, in so many words.
Which is a bit outrageous because I went on only one date before he left, and I am sixteen!
I made it clear that I wasn't going to specifically wait for him because I didn't want to get into anything serious, but that we could see what happens once he got back.
He got mad and said it wasn't good enough, and off he went.
About 2 days later (not even kidding), I got letter from him.
I probably shouldn't have, but I wrote him back.
I made sure not to say anything that could be taken as even a little bit flirty.
We've written back and forth about 4 times now.
About a week ago I got a letter that was the craziest one yet. I don't want to go into detail but he says he thinks and prays about me every day, and he says he is sorry about everything and that we need to get married as soon as he gets back.
It’s a long letter, but you get the idea.
It scared me!
So, I just haven't written back and didn't really plan to.
But then today I got an e-mail from him saying that I need to “Dear Elder” him right now because he "hates it out there and needs something to hold onto".
I'm worried.
Would I cause more damage writing back or not?
How do I get rid of him without being the reason he would go home or do something like that??
- Worried
Dear Worried,
If he comes home early it's because he's unstable, not because you're impossible to live without.
The dude is more than a bit of a control nut, and might also just be a plain nut, too. (No, not everyone who comes home is unstable . . . but this guy sure seems . . . off.) He has no right to make you feel guilty for anything. You haven't done anything wrong.
I think you should cut him off. No more letters. Nothing.
I don't think there's a way to be nice to him without him taking it as more than niceness . . . accusing you of stuff . .. trying to manipulate you . . .
He may send you some threatening, sad, or guilty letters. Or emails. Show this last correspondence to your parents, and share with them anything else he sends. This whole thing has me concerned.
As for any "relationship" with this guy . . . I say let it go.
My general policy is to stay away from crazies.
And manipulators.
- Bro Jo
3 comments:
He has problems. You deserve to be treated better than that. While I don't have a problem with a guy liking a girl who is 3-4 years younger, especially at my age in my 20's, I always think that when a guy is manipulative with a younger girl it's because he's not stable enough to have a relationship with a girl closer to his age. He goes for the younger girl who he hopes doesn't spot that in him. Again, nothing wrong with the age difference if the guy isn't manipulative like that and if he's open to dating closer to his age yet things happened to work with a younger girl. Even then, 3-4 years is too much of an age difference at your age as a minor. Guys 1 year older, maybe 2, are fine as obviously guys your age are too. Basically, premies looking to date casually are the best bet. It's great that you don't want to wait for a missionary. People will argue for it all the time but it boils down to be pretty stupid.
As for this guy, you are fine to completely ignore him and also show your parents every letter that he sends you. You may even want to go with your parents to talk to his parents so that everyone is aware of what's going on. You could also talk to your bishop or stake president as they should know if one of their missionaries isn't doing well in the mission. It's unfair for all the dedicated missionaries in the field to be burdened with such a bad apple. Chances are that he won't be as manipulative when his shenanigans are unveiled to his parents and leaders.
There was a guy my roommate was seeing. She obviously wasn't happy. Yet she stayed "friends" with him because he "doesn't have many friends and needs the few friends he does have." Subtext; "I can heal his feelings, patch the holes in his character, keep him in the church, and make him all better."
He'd try to kiss her even when she told him not to...repeatedly. He kept her up late chatting online even when she politely told him she needed sleep...multiple times.
We told her that while he seemed like a pleasant person (we didn't see the kissing trials) he still seemed a bit like an emotional leech. "Don't be too empathetic, he may suck you dry." "Don't own his feelings." We also told her she needed to point out plainly to him when he was disrespectful...she said he was lonely and needy and he didn't mean it. This is what psychologists call, "enabling." In the church we sometimes think it's rude to give blunt correction. At the right times, it isn't.
If once in a blue moon she did get mad he used classic manipulation language, "It's your fault I am sad." "It's not like it's that bad. Why are you making it such a big deal?" Subtext, "You're feelings and reputation are not as important as my fun."
We found out he was doing the same thing to another girl two doors down. Literally two doors. And she was considering NOT going on her mission because of the creep. "I thought he loved me. Others don't understand him like I do. Maybe we're misjudging him? I know my roommates hate him but..." Subtext, "I'm flattered that he pays attention to me."
Then he hacked my roommates facebook (twice) to change her relationship status to being engaged to him because he thought it was funny. She didn't.
Enough was enough. We may have all been adults capable of conducting our own lives, but these two women seriously needed a reality check.
I finally told him, loudly, that he was not allowed in our apartment because his behavior was not acceptable or respectful.
She tried to say, "We've fixed it, it's all better now, he apologized." I wouldn't let her. She couldn't see the long term repercussions. He'd crossed way to many lines and she'd let him run her over too many times. It was hard on our relationship for me to butt in like that, but necessary.
We got the two girls together and they compared notes. Reality sunk in. The guy left town with his tail between his legs. The girls dispositions instantly brightened. Justice.
Below is my humble opinion.
Usually manipulation happens because the victim thinks they're helping the manipulator try to be a better person by giving him comfort and friendship when all he's thinking is, "Great, they love me so I don't have to change."
This all said, beware the three classic signs of manipulation (that I've observed anyway).
1. Your feelings are not as important as theirs. Manipulators ALWAYS put themselves first.
2. Language that basically says, "It's your fault I feel bad. Why are you hurting me by saying no to me?" Manipulators target people pleasers. They are masters at twisting reality into false plausibility. Not unlike Satan.
3. You are no longer autonomous. To gain power, manipulators will make you an extension of themselves and will convince you that your feelings of self-worth is dependent on their opinion.
4. You are never the good guy. Because good guys have confidence and the ability to generate their own sense of self worth independent of others, they cannot be controlled. Manipulators cannot afford to let their "friends" be good guys or else they lose power over them.
I know this is long and I'm no Bro Jo, but I hope this helps somebody anyway.
I typically shy away from long comments, but these are pretty insightful!
I suspect many of you guys and girls have problems with manipulators. Not too lengthy, please, but I'm eager to hear from the rest of you.
Comment away!
Bro Jo
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