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Monday, March 7, 2016

How to Get More Dates at BYU - Idaho

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey there!

I'd like to start off by saying thanks for all you do with your blog and other writings.

When I am feeling low I tend to wander to your blog and find some inspiration.

So thanks!

Well, we all have problems.

Here is mine. I am an 18 year-old, second semester freshman at BYU-I. I didn't date before I went off to college... at all.

Now that I'm here I don't really know what I'm doing.

I went on a Casual Single Date with a boy from class in my first semester, but that didn't go anywhere, and I am ok with that...

But that is the only date I have ever been asked on...

Not that I haven't tried.

I have decided that I just don't know HOW to get asked on a date.

Part of me wants to feel like there is something wrong with me, but I don't really believe that. I am reasonably attractive. I have good hygiene. I am involved in many activities, especially country and latin dancing.

And on top of that, I am a pretty fun person to be with!

I have plenty of guys I count as friends, and I get along well with almost every guy I meet. I have a great time with these guys and they always tell me how awesome and how pretty and how fun I am, but I never get asked out...

I'll have a great time with them one day and then they have a girlfriend a week later.

Either that, or they will find out that I am 18 and just stop talking to me.

My roommates always have dates and I have tried to do the things my roommates do, but nothing works.

I just don't get it.

I just want dating experience, I am not ready to get married and frankly I don't think I will be for a couple of years!

I don't want a boyfriend, I just want to go out on dates!

I told this problem to a good friend (a guy who served his mission in my area... and we are just friends.

He is 24 and says I am too young for him and I see him as a brother anyways...) and he told me just to ask a guy out. I don't feel comfortable about that... But at this point, it seems the only way to not be alone on Friday nights!

The weird thing about this is that I asked my real brother and he told me the same thing.

Well, I guess that that is all...

Any help would be great.


- Lonely on Friday nights

Dear Lonely,

Do not, I repeat DO NOT ask a guy out.

Unless it's a girl-ask-guy event, and even then you should try to only ask guys who have already taken you on a date.

I have no doubt that your brother and your buddy said it's a good idea; they're both totally wrong. 

Sure, guys like it when girls ask them out, but not for the reasons you're hoping.

See, Good Guys will think you're too aggressive,

Cowards will just be happy to not have to do any work, and Creeps will be thinking that they'll get somewhere.

 All of them will think that you're desperate.

And, let's face it: they'll be right.

And "desperate" is not something a girl wants guys thinking of her.  Ever.

Especially if she is.

See, what you need to learn is how to get THEM to ask YOU out, and that, my friend, is not as hard as it sounds. 

It's a valuable skill and it's past time you learn it.  It may be difficult at first, but will get easier with practice.

I've written about this a lot (you can find all kinds of information along these lines in both the Facebook site and in my books), but let's get a little remedial.


1. Realize that you have no "guy friends".

Yes, they are guys, and yes, you're friendly; but every guy from here on out that spends any significant time with you (including texting, chatting, calling, or just hanging around) is not your buddy, he's a potential date.

While you may not be ready to believe this, the truth is he wouldn't be investing the time with you if he wasn't thinking about dating you. Men are just wired that way.

2. Flirt and flirt well.

Learn to smile with your eyes (and all that really means is thinking happy thoughts when you look at him); smell good; learn how to touch his arm, hand, or shoulder softly but intentionally to let him know you're a girl who's interested in him because he's a man.

3. Learn to listen.

If you can get him talking about himself and engage him in the conversation with real interest, that can be much more powerful than any other flirting you do.

Listening makes you approachable, and a guy is going to have to approach you if he's going to ask you out. (At least you should MAKE him approach you; dates setup via text are lame.)

4. Put a little pressure on the guys that are slow and shy.

Lines like "so, how many more times do I have to touch your arm before you ask me out?" and even the direct "I think you should ask me out on a date and take me to the new movie tonight" may seem bold, and they are, but in today's world a little boldness is a good thing.

5.  Be Patient.

Don't attack the world hungry for dates.

Sure, go to work, but heck, you're only 18.

Relax and have some fun!

The dates will come if you'll put in the time.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it: stop advertising your age.

Who cares? 18, 19, 20 - at your school it's all the same.

If he asks, demure and remind him that gentlemen don't ask ladies their age.

When one of these studs becomes a boyfriend and he's been around long enough to buy you a birthday present, then he can know your age.

Happy Dating!

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks Bro Jo!

Everything you said was helpful. I think I'll try the "So when are you going to ask me on a date?" 

Well, that's about it!

Thanks again!

- Lonely

Dear Lonely,


And if I may add one more thing:  Sister Jo often teaches that the best way to ensure that boys won't ask you out is to keep talking about "not being ready for marriage" and "I'm planning on serving a mission soon".

A First Date is certainly not a proposal (unless he's . . . C R A Z Y . . .), but a guy would like to know that there is at least some hope of this maybe someday going somewhere.

If you kill all of that hope before he even asks, he'll never ask.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

Is there really any difference between saying " So when are you going to ask me on a date?" and asking a guy out yourself. To me it feels like saying that is no different than asking him out myself.

Or are guys really that stupid?

Bro Jo said...

There is a HUGE difference.

And it has nothing to do with Guys . .. OR Girls . . . being dumb.

- Bro Jo

Laura said...

It is definitely not the same. I got future dates out of my now husband by doing something similar. After our first date, we were still talking outside of my parents' house and he mentioned this hike he had been on that was a lot of fun. I told him "That sounds awesome! You should take me on a hiking date soon, then!" and nudged him at the same time. He got the hint. It wasn't our very next date, but it was the one after that haha. He did the plan, pick-up and pay (though the hike didn't cost anything other than gas money to get there), I just made the suggestion that it should happen!

And I did that, not so much because he was stupid and wouldn't ask me. By telling him he should, I pretty much gave him the green light. If he asks me, I'll say "yes", so it's a no-risk date invitation. Suggesting a guy ask you on a date takes all of the fear of rejection out of it for them. :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe then the church should provide some class about handling rejection in life, for both guys and girls.

Laura said...

Anonymous, that's not exactly the church's responsibility. That's a parent's responsibility.