Dear Bro Jo,
I have often heard the President Kimball quote that you shared. I think there was a point in my life where I believed that to be true, that two worthy members of the church who loved God could have a happy marriage, but it seems to be much more complicated than that now. You see, as I sit and think about it, I reflect on my past relationships with good men, men who were worthy priesthood holders and I realize that you can still be a worthy member and be all of the following things:
You can resort to yelling in an argument; you can tell racist jokes; you can talk down to people who don't share your beliefs; you cannot like children; you cannot care about education; you cannot be good at managing money and planning for the future; you can be unhappy and rude, you can feel entitled, you can be disrespectful and hurtful; you can mock things that are important to me. You can be any of these things and more, and still be Temple worthy.
Everyone has faults, believe me, I understand that. But I just don't believe that just because someone is a worthy member of the church I could marry them and be happy. I don't think we can discount
personalities and the importance they play in finding a compatible companion. To say that all I need to do is look for a single, worthy member, who works hard, seems to cheapen the idea of eternal marriage.
This is someone I'm going to spend eternity with! Eternity! Shouldn't there be more of a connection than just "Hey! You're a hard working, single, member? So am I! High Fives! Let's get married!"?
I am okay with my single status, in the sense that I am happy with my life. I walked out on the meeting because I am not okay sitting an listening to a 45 minute talk that makes me feel like less of a person because I am not married.
Every covenant I've made in the church has been about me and my relationship with the Lord. Marriage includes another person, and their agency. The doctrine that if you aren't married you can't make it to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom becomes harder and harder to swallow as you get older and are still single.
You responded in the same way many have to this question. Quit being whinny, picky and scared, find anyone who is worthy and get on board, and dating is the same at 30 as it is at 18. If this is how the single adults are viewed, it's no wonder that we feel alienated and misunderstood.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
I'm sorry, I thought you said that you had been in relationships with GOOD men; the kind of guys you just described don't, in my opinion, qualify.
Except for yelling. I have no problem with yelling. Not all the time, but sometimes it's just a fact of life.
As for everything else you wrote . . . gosh, where do I start?
First of all, I very clearly pointed out that dating at 39 and 18 are different.
Secondly, I think you need to go READ THE TALK. You're missing stuff.
Third, I think our dialog is going to go much better when you can take that chip off your shoulder and open up a little. I can help you, but you're going to have to stop twisting what I say. I know it's tough in an email, but I think we can do it. It seems to me like you're extremi-fying everything. And, frankly, I think a lot of your bitterness is self-inflicted.
If you really want to find the kind of love you're talking about, it's going to take some work, some risk, some trust, some patience, some opening up, and some understanding.
- Bro Jo
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