Dating Like an Adult - Part 3

Dear Bro Jo,

I apologize if I came off as bitter and with a chip on my shoulder, that was not my intention. I do not feel any bitterness at all, I was merely trying to point out some flaws in your advice.

Your response back only serves to further prove my point.

The men I've dated have been good men, they are men who uphold their priesthood and are worthy to go to the Temple. The fact is, there is more to a relationship than that. Because you can go to the Temple if you choose to yell, and for you, yelling is a fact of life. You are ok with it.

But I am not. Yelling is a non-negotiable point in my relationships.

I don't yell, and I will not stand to be yelled at. My point is not to say that yelling is bad, or makes someone a bad person, but that for me, it's unacceptable. As were all the other things on the previous list I sent you. But they aren't going to be unacceptable for everyone, and they won't keep someone out of the Temple. There are other things that I will compromise on, and there are things on that
list that others will compromise on, just like you and yelling. That doesn't make me picky or irrational, that makes me someone who knows what they want in a relationship. In fact, Kimball's talk counsels us to not date everyone who is a worthy member of the church. He tells us to find someone of similar racial, social, economic and educational backgrounds. He tells us to find someone with whom we have common backgrounds, common ideals and standards, common beliefs, hopes, and
objectives. So to say that all of us never-marrieds are a combination of too picky, scared and whinny is simplifying the problem. There is so much more to look for in someone than just being a worthy member who is single and hard working.

I did not feel that I was twisting your words, you told me to look for three things, the same three things I should have been looking for at 19, and that all single adults are some combination of whinny, picky and scared. I submit to you, that neither of those things are true.

There are some of us that are whinny, picky and/or scared, but there are also 18 year olds that feel the same way. I'm sure there are married people that feel the same way. Because we are human, and those
are human things to feel. But to place a blanket statement that we are all some combination of those things, and that because of that we are not getting married, is a little insulting.

Saying that is throwing the stereotypes that we hear all the time in my face. I almost did not respond to this email, as it seems that the communication between us is damaged. But I read the email thread to a friend of mine and it literally left her in tears.

Her feeling after reading your thoughts were not ones of inspiration or motivation, but despair. The general sentiment of 'there is something wrong with you' was what she took from your email.

Perhaps there are no good answers.

Maybe when dealing with the gap of understanding between the never-marrieds and the marrieds there is no middle ground. I don't know.

But I do know that there are many souls lost along the journey of single adult-ness, and that is due, in part to the feelings that my friend gets when she reads your email. Because we often feel judged and misunderstood.

I say that with no bitterness, just sadness.

- NW




Dear NW,

Well, I'm glad you wrote back.

I'm sorry your friend is sad.

I've been pondering your emails and my responses for several days . . .

Let's start again.

Believe it or not, I and many others in the Church that I know, are well aware of, concerned about, and want to help members who find themselves on the older end of single.

Not because I think marriage will cure all of your troubles, but because I've talked to many in your
circumstance who've expressed the same feelings and thoughts that you have.

That said, let me share three things:

1.  If you're looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear, I'm not your guy.  I give my straight  honest opinions to the best of my ability; I care for people too much to be fake.  My biggest fans don't agree with everything I write (heck, Sister Jo doesn't always agree, either), and that's okay.  I'm not always right, but if you find yourself angry or disagreeing I invite you to consider that those feelings may be because the truth is sometimes painful.

2. I'm married now, and have been for over 25 years, but before then I was a not-yet-married, just like you.

3. Email doesn't convey tone very well.  I often try to inject a little humor, for various reasons.  My quip about yelling was a joke.


That said, if we go back to your original email . . . what is your question for me?

- Bro Jo