What Happened???

Dear Bro Jo,

Hello. I was wondering if you might be able to explain something to me.

There is a girl that I was really interested in and we were e-mailing lots, nothing bad, just for fun and we had both confessed that we liked each other. We were 15 at the time and we both agreed to wait until we were 16 until we dated or did anything of the sort.

Come April, we both turned 16 and we went on a double date. It was a great night of bowling and games. About a week later, we were discussing another date and we were both excited about it. She had to go (as we were talking on Facebook chat) so I said bye.

She came back on about half an hour later and when we began talking again, she was only giving 1 word answers.

I asked if anything was bothering her and she said "Nothing". We continued talking and she was concerning me so I asked again if she was alright. She proceeded to log off Facebook and we didn't really talk at all after that for about 2 weeks.

Me, wanting to follow "all the rules", and do as my dad told me to, Play the Field without "Playing" the field, I went on a date with a different girl. We had fun, but decided that we could just stay friends. Not a big deal. These girls go to a different school than I do, but they go to school together.

Word spread fast and everybody was surprised when they heard that I had gone on a date with the second girl because they thought I was "dating" the first one. Naturally, everything got messed up and I just can't seem to come by any luck in the field of girls, and I still haven't really talked with the first girl.

Hopefully that made sense. Can you identify what possibly went on?

A Frustrated 16 Year Old


Dear Sixteen,

Oh, yeah, you bet I can identify it!

From her perspective, and from what she likely heard from her friends at school, you “Cheated” on her. (See “Bro Jo’s RELATIONSHIP VOCABULARY” - a work in progress, and I encourage submissions and ideas)

You treated her like a Girlfriend, at least from her perspective. You don’t even know if the second Facebook chat was really her or a sibling messing with you (Have I not warned multiple times about the dangers of the anonymity and superficiality and loss of tone that happens when our conversations are electronic???).

You never really followed up with her in person (which is probably what she wanted, which for her would probably have validated that you “really care”) or seemed to put much effort into finding out what was bothering her.

(I can tell you this, were I her father or if she’d written in, I’d have told her NOT to go on two consecutive dates with the same boy, which would have bummed her out, and could have resulted in the short answers you got in that second conversation. The irony being that the advice to mix up the dates would have been based on trying to avoid the very situation you’ve wandered into . . . you have no idea how amusing I find all of that!)

So, again from her perspective, rather than comfort her the way a Boyfriend “should”, you went out with another girl. As word of that spread around her school she felt embarrassed.

The question you should be asking me next is: How, as a guy that wants to “follow the rules” how do you Casually Date and avoid the Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing?

(I love the phrase your dad uses, “Play the Field without Playing the Field”, by the way; tell him I intend to use it)

Well first of all, with some girls it can’t be avoided. You may not think you’re her BF, but she will, regardless of what you do or say, so as long as you’re a decent guy and have been upfront and clear, all you can do is write that off as her psychosis.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve known girls to complain to me one day that guys won’t ask them out, that they’re not looking for a Boyfriend, that they just want to go out on a nice group date, only to announce a couple days after such a date that so-and-so boy is now their Boyfriend, much to his shock and horror.

It’s an uphill battle and a fact of life. Don’t let it keep you from dating, but to minimize the likelihood, let me give you this:

“Bro Jo’s AVOIDING THE BOYFRIEND DELIMA DO’S and DON’TS”

DO let her know, upfront and clearly, that this is a Casual Group Date (you may even want to specifically use those words; “Hey, my buddy and I are putting together a Casual Group Date . . .”

DON’T make out. Kissing is a commitment (or at least it should be taken much more seriously than it often is)

DO mix it up; never date the same girl without dating two different girls in between.

DON’T give extravagant or overly personal gifts. Bro Jo recommends staying away from Perfume, Jewelry, and Flowers (all mistakes he made). Flowers can be OK for a formal occasion, but Be Careful!

DO date in groups (see the Dating Rules).

DON’T ask a girl to a Formal Dance that you haven’t Casually Dated previously.

DO be honest and clear. Let he know that you’re not looking for a Girlfriend. Tell her you need to stay focused on a mission (although, the irony is that, for many girls that will just make them like you more).

DON’T hang out at her house, or with her one-on-one anywhere. The Hang Out can be confused for a relationship, and as we all know: “Men and Women Can’t Be Close Friends” without the Relationship Issue.

DO be kind and courteous . . . to ALL girls.

DON’T spend all night (or even a long time) talking, texting, instant messaging, calling, whatever her. You lay in bed texting her at 1:00 am and she’s going to think you’re her “special friend”, this I promise you.


(Like all lists, this list is posted on the Facebook Notes Page, where you can comment on and discuss them. You’ll also find things there like “The Levels of a Relationship” and “How to Get a Date”)

As for you specific situation, you should talk to girl number one and be prepared to apologize for stuff that’s not necessarily your fault. I wouldn’t recommend dating her any time soon, but it’s a good idea to save that bridge before it completely burns.

- Bro Jo