When He Comes Home and Won't Date You

Dear Bro Jo,

Let me start off by saying that it's so nice that the youth of the Church finally have a place where they can get straightforward, good counsel without feeling like they're being lectured! You give a lot of great advice, some of which I have put to good use already, but I'm still struggling with one thing:

A couple of years ago, I met a missionary who was serving in my area. Short version: he made it very clear he was interested in me, and I eventually began to feel the same way about him. We got to be great friends (while my parents and his companion were in the room, don't worry!), but I made sure he knew I would have nothing to do with him until he was finished with his mission. When he was getting ready to go home, he told me that he wanted to date me when he was finished. I know I probably should have been a better example, but what's done is done, right?

Anyway, he went home, we exchanged e-mail addresses, added each other on Facebook, he even invited me to take a trip to meet his parents! In our e-mails, I would tell him how my day was, what happened at work, ask him how it was to be home and other questions, but when he wrote back, he said almost nothing. It was really frustrating, so I asked him why his e-mails were so short, and he said he was just better at having a conversation if it was on messenger or over the phone. So I tried to get online at the same time he would so we could talk. But even then, it was so difficult to try to converse with him!

So I told him to call me instead. There was a period of about a week when he would tell me "I'm going to call you tonight." He told me this every day, and each day, no call. I tried a few of your "ways to get a guy to call" or whatever, but to no avail. I finally just asked him if I was supposed to call him, and he said no, that he just forgets really easily.

Should I be worried that he is so forgetful? That he can't even set aside time for me for a simple phone call? The way he used to act toward me made me feel so good, and I thought I was in love with him, but now I feel like he can't even give me the time of day.

I understand that life after a mission can be a difficult transition, but he's been home for months now, and he's told me he hangs out with his friends a lot, so I think he's had plenty of time to get used to it.

Am I being too harsh on him? I've tried to talk with him and settle things like an adult, but we've already established that he can't really communicate. I've waited for him for so long, and it gets harder each day to wait anymore, but I don't want it all to be for nothing!

I guess the real question I'm trying to ask is, should I just move on?

Sincerely,
Perplexed


Dear Perplexed,

Yes.

(I could end the response right there, but I suspect you’ll need a little more convincing)


Move on.

And don't look back.

Look, I hate to break it to you, because you seem really nice (a bit obsessed, but nice none-the-less), but this guy has no intention of calling you.

He may have at one time, and he may someday again, but not now.

If anything you’ve now downgraded yourself from “possible date” to “irritating pest”.

The reality is, if you were important to him, he wouldn’t “forget to call”.

Don’t worry about it; just accept it.

If you continue to wait, you’ll be doing exactly what you said: “waiting for nothing”.

Maybe he likes you, maybe he’s just scared or shy, but truthfully, if that’s the case (and I say it’s a Big IF) then the best way to wake him up to your value is to date other guys.

And when you do, do them and yourself a favor: don’t bring this ghost of a non-relationship on the dates with you. Go out. Have a good time. Chances are you’ll meet an Even Better Guy who actually appreciates you and the manhood to act upon it.

- Bro Jo

PS: Thanks for the kind words; I hope you didn't mind the lecture.

PSS: Some Missionaries latch onto girls, either at home or in the field as a Security Blanket. They ask tons of girls to write them while they're gone, or hit on girls in the area which they serve. The former is not nearly as bad as the latter, but neither is the sign of a strong, focused and confident man. I know that occasionally it works out, but I've always thought it a bit, well . . . weird and unsettling when a missionary returns after his release to date a girl he met while serving. In general I advise girls to avoid those guys like the plague.