Dear Bro Jo,
What is the appropriate response when you find out that a friend is engaged to someone who is not a member of the Church (and particularly if the fiance is of a non-Christian faith)? I don't feel like I can/should say, "Congrats on your engagement," when I think it's really a misfortune and a bad choice.
Am I looking at this the wrong way? Can you be happy for someone who chooses to, in essence, throw away so many blessings and opportunities?
Thanks,
Deut 7:3-4
Dear Deut,
I agree that people should marry within their faith; it's no guarantee but agreeing on fundamental life philosophies goes a long way towards having a happy marriage. (And for my argumentative readers, yes, there are exceptions, but not enough to make marrying outside of one's faith a good recommendation.)
Every divorced friend I have (and it's many) both inside and outside of the Church has commented about how, as the divorce became reality, all kinds of friends came out of the woodwork and said that they knew it was going to end. Their response is always "why didn't you tell me!" Well, frankly, it's because no one wants to hear from their friends and family that the decision they've made, perhaps the most important decision of their life, they made badly. Love isn't always rational, you know.
It's easy if they come out and ask "hey, do you think I'm making the right decision", but what if they don't?
I've found that the best thing you can do is, rather than make a statement, ask a question.
The response to "I don't think you should marry that person" is typically defensive, but the response to a question can invoke thought, discussion, or offer an explanation that will allay your fears.
Timing is also important.
Perhaps the conversation could go something like this:
You: "Congratulations on your engagement. Are you excited?:
Her: "Yes!"
You: "Have you had a lot of people comment about how you're both of different faiths?"
Her: "My grandma, but she's old and doesn't understand."
You: "It isn't something you're worried about?"
Her: "No. We both love each other and feel like we can work it out."
You: (in a sincerely inquisitive tone) "What have you each discussed that you'll do?"
See the difference?
You may not get anywhere, and if you press the issue too far for too long, she'll likely write you off as being, in her mind, as close minded as grandma.
But you will have brought it up, and that's good. Who knows, maybe in the conversation she'll ask you what you think, and without making her feel bad you can let her know that you think marrying outside one's faith is a big deal. "Well, it sounds to me like there will be lots of challenges. What faith will you raise your children? Are you worried about not having a worthy priesthood holder in the home who can bless you and your children? Will he help you get the kids ready for Church on Sunday and come see all of their talks? Will he support and encourage Girl's Camp and Personal Progress? Scouts and Priesthood Ordinations? Who will bless and baptize your children?"
Marriage is about so much more than just "love".
Lastly, remember, it's not really our job to be happy for her or not, but there for her when she needs a friend.
Keep me posted.
- Bro Jo
4 comments:
I don't really think it's fair to call someone's engagement a "misfortune and a bad choice." Such harsh language shows very little compassion. Regardless of faiths, marriages should always be celebrated because all kinds of committed, faithful marriages are possible and can work. I think we too often forget that.
You can and should be happy for them because they deserve it. Temple marriage is the ultimate goal, but every marriage is beautiful before God.
With all due respect, are you kidding me?!?
Many, many, MANY marriages are unfortunate and bad decisions. The world is full of divorced people who say "if only my friends had warned me", each of whom has a long list of friends who reply "we tried, and you wouldn't listen".
Too many.
While our fear of making a bad choice is not reason enough to make no choice, the correct course of action is to choose, and choose wisely.
As stated this conference "choose your love, and love your choice".
Every child is beautiful before God, but not every marriage.
- Bro Jo
I should rephrase that. I said that "all kinds of committed, faithful marriages are possible and can work." Those are the kinds of marriages I'm talking about. Marriages where two people look at the challenge in front of them and decide to remain bound to each other through anything.
Of course God doesn't look kindly on abusive marriages or marriages that are all about power and control or marriages where there is little respect, but I think when two people make a decision to do what's best for them, regardless of what well-meaning friends think, and have turned to God, that it's a wonderful thing.
I just can't believe that someone would say that a marriage between two people who are committed and care deeply about each other is a misfortune and a bad choice. Could that be any more judgmental? Specifically since she doesn't seem to know anything about the fiance other than they aren't Christian.
I grew up with mixed faith parents and this kind of attitude in the church is really disheartening at time. Yes, mixed faith marriages are difficult and not ideal, but I wouldn't be around without one.
The fact that this person doesn't feel like they can say congratulations is sickening.
Annon -
That's true, you did qualify committed and faithful marriages.
But what you and I may both have missed is that the original writer says nothing about whether or not their friends are committed, care deeply, or are turning to God. That may be influencing, and rightly so, how she feels.
But let's assume for the rest of our discussion that this couple, like your parents, really are in love, really are committed, and really are willing to make God, however they describe deity, the center of their marriage.
As you and I agree, that certainly won't eliminate the challenges and, particularly in this case where the future husband is not a priesthood holder, there are some pretty wonderful things that won't happen for this family.
Perhaps, with time, that will change, but one should never marry hoping for change.
And, for the record, cautions about marrying outside one's faith aren't strictly LDS sentiments. In fact, I'll argue any day that Latter-day Saints are much more open to the beliefs and faiths of others than many other sects that are found upon the earth.
Lastly, Doctrinally speaking, you'd be around regardless of what faith (even no faith) the two people we know as your earthly parents chose to be. Even if they never met and never married, you my friend would still exist.
- Bro Jo
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