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Friday, April 22, 2011

One Who is Lost

Dear Bro Jo

Seeing as the brief on the blog did say “and anyone else who could use a little help”, here I go. It may not fully be relevant, but it does seem to be a good place to ask. Or at least try to ask.

I am a 17-year-old girl. I’m in my first year of university, and (obviously) a year or more younger than pretty much everyone else. It’s always been this way—I skipped a grade as a kid, and I’ve always been the “young one”. I don’t say this to boast, but more to give indication or perhaps attempt an explanation as to why I am the way I am.

Over all of my teenage years, as I now am slowly coming to realize, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. It was when I was 15 that it dawned on me that everyone else did not wish to cease to exist to quite the same extent that I did, and that it wasn’t entirely normal. I’ve had a certain amount of professional help, but I’ve always been unwilling to tell the people the extent of my unhappiness. In any case, they would not “get” the gospel perspective anyway. I’d tried telling my parents too, but it was my father’s view that through the Lord and your own willpower, you could triumph over anything. It was also his view that, when I tearfully told him of one of my three lowest times in which suicide was an enticing option, I was being selfish by denying the atonement. I love my father and mother very much and they are constant examples of how I should be, but I’ve never agreed with my father on that. Perhaps I am just weak-willed, but D&C 18:10 has literally never been applicable to myself in my own mind. Historically I was an incredibly “pious” child—I knew the scriptures inside-out as a preschooler, and studying the scriptures was one of my most favorite things. But as I grew into adolescence, my lack of self-worth became more apparent, and while even now I’m very good with doctrine, applying a lot of it to myself is incredibly hard.

Perhaps it is the extent of my self-hate that is the root of a lot of my problems, I’m unsure. However I know that I’ve slid (incrementally) down as I got older. Firstly my code in choosing appropriate viewing and reading materials slipped. Then it was purposely disobeying my parents to rile them and causing them and those around me to act negatively towards me as a kind of twisted “self-punishment”. Physical self-harm (what I thought I’d left behind in childhood) eventuated also. Important things such as fasting and paying tithing slipped in importance; eventually it progressed into things such as—though it pains me to say it—masturbation. These are all things I know are wrong, yet I’ve never been able to bring myself to stop, correct or repent, because somehow that would be like justifying that I’m worth it in the first place.

Which is something I can’t believe. I’ve never even dated because it’s always been that no boy
in his right mind would ever consider me. Logically I know that I’m intelligent, pretty decent and not unattractive, but the irrational part of me refuses to listen. Perhaps it is Satan. I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m in a place that, on good days, I know I don’t want to be in. More often than not, though, I feel as if every bad thing that happens to be is my fault—everything is my fault—and that this is my just deserves.

Inner thoughts are the hardest to change, and I have no idea how. I over-think things too much. Every single part of my waking hours is squeezed with thoughts. It may sound incredibly arrogant, but everything else in life has come easily to me—school and church alike. Which was why I think to fill my time. What has always puzzled me, though, is that there is no reason behind these things. What did I do to be forsaken like this? Or am I just being overly melodramatic? I don’t usually feel like I have been abandoned by my Father in Heaven, but rather that I have no more claim to Jesus’ salvation than the literal scum of the earth.

So. Perhaps this is irrelevant. I don’t know. If it is, I am truly sorry for wasting your time. What does not help my situation is that I was recently diagnosed with an incurable auto-immune disease that affects every part of my life and makes me quite sick at times. Also a natural disaster just destroyed my home town which has its own complications and pulls on my emotions.

The crux of this long, rambling email is this: I want to be a better person. I want to do the things normal people do, and view myself in the way appropriate for a Latter-Day Saint young woman. I am quite lost, alone in a new city, and new ward, dealing with these things which I have always felt insignificant compared to the trials of others. I do want to learn to love myself—for if I cannot appreciate who I am, how could any future perspective eternal companion love me? I always seem to weep whenever I read my Patriarchal Blessing, for I can never envisage myself becoming the wonderful strong woman mentioned within.

Anyway, thank you for your time. Please help, or feel free to edit out some of the (overly teenage angsty) repetitive fluff.

Sincerely,

One Who Has Lost Herself


Dear One,

Yes, you are being melodramatic. No, Heavenly Father has not, nor will he ever, abandon you. And, my dear little sister, EVERYONE is entitled to the blessings of the atonement, the pious, the "scum of the earth" . . . and you.

And me.

Everyone.

I'm not a psychotherapist, and I think you need may need some professional counseling. You may know the words of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but you don't know the Doctrine. And much of what you're doing seems to be about misguided attempts to gain control of your life, a life where you feel so much has been dictated to you and decided for you. Often, when we feel our lives are beyond our control, we allow Satan to talk us into addictive behavior, mistakenly justifying our actions in our own heads, saying to ourselves "I choose to be bad".

There are some things I think you need to do right away.

First, go talk to your Bishop. Right away. (And by that I mean "today"). It doesn't matter that you're new, or in a new town, he's still your Bishop and as such has the keys to help you spiritually. He can help you through any repenting you need to do, things said in his office are confidential, and he has access to resources that you may not know about, such as Church sponsored counseling. When you see him, pray before for strength, and be sure to tell him everything. (And I mean EVERYTHING. Not just what you've told me here, but all the stuff you've left out as well. You know exactly what I mean.) You know you've done yourself a disservice by not being fully forthcoming in the past, so let's do it right this time through.

Secondly, get a copy of President Kimble's "The Miracle of Forgiveness". You're an intellectual type, make this book part of your regular daily routine. But, and I mean this, promise me that you'll read the ENTIRE thing. Don't skip around, don't put it down just because you feel awful . . . cover to cover. The whole thing. In fact, I'd like regular updates from you as you're going through the book.

Third, even if you don't understand why now, make daily communication with the Lord part of your regular routine. That means start your day with prayer and a little scripture reading (in that order) and end the day with prayer. Don't do it because I said so, or because your dad said so, do it because you want to take control of your own life, and not let these feelings of despair and doubt, the power of Satan, run your life.

I'm glad you wrote. Your letter certainly wasn't a waste of my time.

I want you to know that I care for you, even though I don't know you.

And, more importantly than that, I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you, and that I know that through the atonement you can be made spiritually whole again. And, my dear little sister, no matter how difficult that journey may be, making things right with God, being able to stand on our own feet before him and saying "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best" is the most wonderful feeling!

You are a choice spirit, a daughter of God, and with His help you'll be able to enjoy life and feel love.

And, in the end, all of that is more important than anything else.

God bless you, and please keep me posted. Feel free to write anytime you need.

Love,

- Bro Jo

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sister, you sound exactly like me when I was your age. Depression, anxiety, the youngest in your grade, suicide attempts because of feeling worthless, and even being diagnosed with a frustrating auto-immune disease that made me VERY sick (though for me this, among with other events, is what led to the depression).

I agree with Bro Jo - you should get professional health. Now if you're anything like I was, you'll think of that as being a weakness - needing a professional, taking pills - why can't the atonement just do all the work? Well for me, I found that when I started going and taking medication, it really was a blessing from God - I wasn't being weak. I was accepting His blessing, and I found that through thanking Him for both the hard times and the help I was getting, that I didn't know exactly how this would end up or why this was happening to me, I was grateful for the opportunity to learn. I also continually asked for strength and help and guidance.
The bishop helped me with all of those things. No, it is not easy. Yes, it is soooo worth it.

You are a daughter of God. God loves everyone, including you and me. When you said this might be satan, you were dead on. Satan is making you think you're worthless. He is taking power over your thoughts, making you feel awful and like "scum". Because this is how he feels, and he wants you to feel the same way. Heavenly Father will never give up on you, he will always be there, even when you feel you don't deserve it.
Talk to your bishop. Ask for a blessing. Pray.
You will find this to be true.

With much love,
A fellow Sister

Anonymous said...

Listen to "Be Still" by G. Sheldon Martin. It is an AMAZING talk. He talks about how to change your thought patterns using gospel principles. It helped me a lot.

Anonymous said...

I have a friend with major depression who has attempted suicide on several occasions. I agree that professional help is hugely important and can have an enormous impact.

The next thing I want to say is difficult to explain. On one hand, the Atonement and the gospel absolutely can heal you and cause you to overcome your depression. On the other hand, it's important to draw a distinction between a lack of faith and a mental illness. I think sometimes people in the LDS community don't recognize that while you can intellectually and spiritually know something to be true, emotionally, you can have a disability that impedes that. Because of this, while the Atonement is the most important thing and will show you how to overcome this trial, medical help is also extremely important. Don't feel like you're not as faithful as everyone else. You can be. You will be. Things will get better. I promise things will get better.

Anonymous said...

I would also counsel that while The Miracle of Forgiveness is a church-sponsored book, it is also a product of the time it was written in and be sure to keep that in mind while you're reading it. When I was going through a difficult time, I really preferred The Peacemaker by Ken Sande.

I would also say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing medication to aid in depression. I think a lot of members of the church members think that depression can always be solved through prayer or obedience and while those things make an enormous difference in our lives, some of us have chemical imbalances that need to be addressed with medication. After all, modern medicine is an amazing gift from God. A professional counselor could help with this.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, that was The Peacegiver, not the Peacemaker. The author is James Ferrel and it's carried at Deseret Book. It's all about the atonement and how we can be healed. It's a great story.

Anonymous said...

"Understanding Who We Are Brings Self-Respect" is another fantastic talk that may help with this situation. It was given by Harold B. Lee in 1974 and truly can be a life-changing talk.

The atonement is real! Choose to let the pure love of Christ grow. You have the desire to do good and change, so nurture the desire to change, not the challenges.

Anonymous said...

I want to just agree with a lot of the other people who commented here about the importance of making a distinction between personal weakness and an actual physical disability. I'm just a few years younger than you are, and yet my only experience with this is through my Mom. She's had to take pills and medicine for depression in the last few years, and when I first learned about this, I was very hurt... Wasn't my family enough for her? She had the Gospel! I couldn't understand why she wasn't fulfilled, and I guess that's maybe where you're struggling and where your Dad was getting hung up. Because it turns out that it's more than that... a real medical condition beyond anyone's control. Help is out there though, available, and I encourage you to seek it! Heavenly Father will be there for you as well. This has been a really touching letter and response to read.

Anonymous said...

Your letter broke my heart to read. This is because it sounds exactly like a journal entry that I wrote 3 years ago when I was your age. I felt like there was a constant battle in my head between the person who knew she was a wonderful daughter of a Heavenly Father and between the other person who was completely disgusted with herself and believed she had no self worth. Unfortunately that person was the one who would win all of the battles and succumbed to 4 years of an eating disorder .
I think the only thing you need to understand at this time, is that other people cannot change you. YOU have to change yourself, no one can do it for you. Others may give you tools and be angels to you directing your path towards Christ, but you are the one who must use those tools.
To understand and appreciate your self worth, you must pray for it. And never stop praying for it. Heavenly Father will give it to you, but in due time. He will give it to you because He wants to you to see yourself the way He does. "If you could envision the type of person that God knows you can be, you would rise up and never be the same again." Be patient with Him because He does things in His own time.....which could mean many years, or maybe just months. Just keep having faith that he WILL answer your prayers and one day (or over a gradual period of time most likely) you will be shed with light and fully understand the wonderful person you are. "It's not going to be easy, no one ever said it would be."
oh, and The Miracle of Forgiveness is incredible. I would listen to Bro Jo's advice and read it :)

Leah said...

I, too, have been in the ruts of depression/bipolar. I fought medication because I hated the idea of something //making// me feel a certain way. It took me a long time (over four years) to accept that I have a real illness that needs to be controlled with medicine, just like diabetes or a heart condition, and that on the right medication I can still choose to feel happy or sad.
The little things really do help with thoughts, too. I couldn't understand the promises in my patriarchal blessing or how my friends could call me beautiful. Every so often I would look at myself at just the right angle where I would say "That one part of me doesn't look too bad" and after accepting those thoughts, starting small, and with the help of medication to readjust my brain chemistry, I've actually learned how to see myself as attractive. One of my friends even explained to me why one of my favourite tv stars wasn't attractive to him, even though I thought she was beautiful. (Her face was a little too square for him.)
It can be hard, but try to find friends like those. Friends who make you feel better about yourself and who you can turn to when you need someone to cry to. You don't even need one person you can tell everything to. I have just a few close friends and each one I go to for different things because I know they react the best for me with those things.
It's hard and it's not going to be quick. But don't give up. You're worth it, even if you can't see how all the time. You believed in God before you came to Earth and He still believes in you, no matter what. He won't let you fall further than you can climb back up. He loves you and we love you.

Brianne said...

I can very much relate. I've always been "intelligent", and didn't need to focus on school at all- leaving way too much thinking time. I turn 17 in a few months; and I haven't dated either, for the same reason. I do wonder how any guy could ever love me, especially if I can't stand myself. But I'm working on it. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder when I was 13/14, and I've experienced the feelings of worthlessness and the desire to stop living that you have described. You mentioned self-harm: I've been through that too. It is hard, and it does suck. But I do believe I was given these trials for a reason. God does not give us more than we can handle and when you overcome this, because you will, you will come out that much stronger. I would suggest following Bro Jo's advice and speaking to your Bishop. He can help you to heal, but can also help you find psychiatric aid. Good luck sister. You deserve better, and you are worthy of the blessings of the atonement.