One Who is Lost

Dear Bro Jo

Seeing as the brief on the blog did say “and anyone else who could use a little help”, here I go. It may not fully be relevant, but it does seem to be a good place to ask. Or at least try to ask.

I am a 17-year-old girl. I’m in my first year of university, and (obviously) a year or more younger than pretty much everyone else. It’s always been this way—I skipped a grade as a kid, and I’ve always been the “young one”. I don’t say this to boast, but more to give indication or perhaps attempt an explanation as to why I am the way I am.

Over all of my teenage years, as I now am slowly coming to realize, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. It was when I was 15 that it dawned on me that everyone else did not wish to cease to exist to quite the same extent that I did, and that it wasn’t entirely normal. I’ve had a certain amount of professional help, but I’ve always been unwilling to tell the people the extent of my unhappiness. In any case, they would not “get” the gospel perspective anyway. I’d tried telling my parents too, but it was my father’s view that through the Lord and your own willpower, you could triumph over anything. It was also his view that, when I tearfully told him of one of my three lowest times in which suicide was an enticing option, I was being selfish by denying the atonement. I love my father and mother very much and they are constant examples of how I should be, but I’ve never agreed with my father on that. Perhaps I am just weak-willed, but D&C 18:10 has literally never been applicable to myself in my own mind. Historically I was an incredibly “pious” child—I knew the scriptures inside-out as a preschooler, and studying the scriptures was one of my most favorite things. But as I grew into adolescence, my lack of self-worth became more apparent, and while even now I’m very good with doctrine, applying a lot of it to myself is incredibly hard.

Perhaps it is the extent of my self-hate that is the root of a lot of my problems, I’m unsure. However I know that I’ve slid (incrementally) down as I got older. Firstly my code in choosing appropriate viewing and reading materials slipped. Then it was purposely disobeying my parents to rile them and causing them and those around me to act negatively towards me as a kind of twisted “self-punishment”. Physical self-harm (what I thought I’d left behind in childhood) eventuated also. Important things such as fasting and paying tithing slipped in importance; eventually it progressed into things such as—though it pains me to say it—masturbation. These are all things I know are wrong, yet I’ve never been able to bring myself to stop, correct or repent, because somehow that would be like justifying that I’m worth it in the first place.

Which is something I can’t believe. I’ve never even dated because it’s always been that no boy
in his right mind would ever consider me. Logically I know that I’m intelligent, pretty decent and not unattractive, but the irrational part of me refuses to listen. Perhaps it is Satan. I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m in a place that, on good days, I know I don’t want to be in. More often than not, though, I feel as if every bad thing that happens to be is my fault—everything is my fault—and that this is my just deserves.

Inner thoughts are the hardest to change, and I have no idea how. I over-think things too much. Every single part of my waking hours is squeezed with thoughts. It may sound incredibly arrogant, but everything else in life has come easily to me—school and church alike. Which was why I think to fill my time. What has always puzzled me, though, is that there is no reason behind these things. What did I do to be forsaken like this? Or am I just being overly melodramatic? I don’t usually feel like I have been abandoned by my Father in Heaven, but rather that I have no more claim to Jesus’ salvation than the literal scum of the earth.

So. Perhaps this is irrelevant. I don’t know. If it is, I am truly sorry for wasting your time. What does not help my situation is that I was recently diagnosed with an incurable auto-immune disease that affects every part of my life and makes me quite sick at times. Also a natural disaster just destroyed my home town which has its own complications and pulls on my emotions.

The crux of this long, rambling email is this: I want to be a better person. I want to do the things normal people do, and view myself in the way appropriate for a Latter-Day Saint young woman. I am quite lost, alone in a new city, and new ward, dealing with these things which I have always felt insignificant compared to the trials of others. I do want to learn to love myself—for if I cannot appreciate who I am, how could any future perspective eternal companion love me? I always seem to weep whenever I read my Patriarchal Blessing, for I can never envisage myself becoming the wonderful strong woman mentioned within.

Anyway, thank you for your time. Please help, or feel free to edit out some of the (overly teenage angsty) repetitive fluff.

Sincerely,

One Who Has Lost Herself


Dear One,

Yes, you are being melodramatic. No, Heavenly Father has not, nor will he ever, abandon you. And, my dear little sister, EVERYONE is entitled to the blessings of the atonement, the pious, the "scum of the earth" . . . and you.

And me.

Everyone.

I'm not a psychotherapist, and I think you need may need some professional counseling. You may know the words of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but you don't know the Doctrine. And much of what you're doing seems to be about misguided attempts to gain control of your life, a life where you feel so much has been dictated to you and decided for you. Often, when we feel our lives are beyond our control, we allow Satan to talk us into addictive behavior, mistakenly justifying our actions in our own heads, saying to ourselves "I choose to be bad".

There are some things I think you need to do right away.

First, go talk to your Bishop. Right away. (And by that I mean "today"). It doesn't matter that you're new, or in a new town, he's still your Bishop and as such has the keys to help you spiritually. He can help you through any repenting you need to do, things said in his office are confidential, and he has access to resources that you may not know about, such as Church sponsored counseling. When you see him, pray before for strength, and be sure to tell him everything. (And I mean EVERYTHING. Not just what you've told me here, but all the stuff you've left out as well. You know exactly what I mean.) You know you've done yourself a disservice by not being fully forthcoming in the past, so let's do it right this time through.

Secondly, get a copy of President Kimble's "The Miracle of Forgiveness". You're an intellectual type, make this book part of your regular daily routine. But, and I mean this, promise me that you'll read the ENTIRE thing. Don't skip around, don't put it down just because you feel awful . . . cover to cover. The whole thing. In fact, I'd like regular updates from you as you're going through the book.

Third, even if you don't understand why now, make daily communication with the Lord part of your regular routine. That means start your day with prayer and a little scripture reading (in that order) and end the day with prayer. Don't do it because I said so, or because your dad said so, do it because you want to take control of your own life, and not let these feelings of despair and doubt, the power of Satan, run your life.

I'm glad you wrote. Your letter certainly wasn't a waste of my time.

I want you to know that I care for you, even though I don't know you.

And, more importantly than that, I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you, and that I know that through the atonement you can be made spiritually whole again. And, my dear little sister, no matter how difficult that journey may be, making things right with God, being able to stand on our own feet before him and saying "I know I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best" is the most wonderful feeling!

You are a choice spirit, a daughter of God, and with His help you'll be able to enjoy life and feel love.

And, in the end, all of that is more important than anything else.

God bless you, and please keep me posted. Feel free to write anytime you need.

Love,

- Bro Jo