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Friday, April 5, 2013

Is Kissing Your Date "Cheating"?

Dear Bro Jo,

Heya Brother Johnston! 

I have a question about the "physical stuff".

See, in the past I have had a non-member boyfriend - two big No-no's - I understand now the wise counsel of the prophet of the Lord.

I feel as if I have a solid testimony . . . which is why I kick myself because I was not faithful . . .

Dumb on my part....but anyways...

I have been going on dates with this boy from my stake; we met at youth conference.

Yes, I know, this is a good start . . . BUT … we have kissed.

In the 3rd date at that!

I like him a lot, and he likes me back. I'm not going to do anything about it...I don’t want to be official...cause I want to do what is right but the only other dating experience I have had was with my ex-boyfriend...

I thought it was bad to kiss if you weren't "official" 'cause then your accused of:

1) kissing every boy who walks or

2) cheating.

What do you think?

Please know I’m kinda anti kiss...so the fact we kissed is a really big deal. Don’t get me wrong, I'm still a teenage girl ... But I don’t give them out casually, it bugs me when girls just kiss boys as if they were sharing a bowl of chips. not cool to me.

I'm very open to dating other boys!

I have never ever turned down a date ... but how do I do that if I have told another boy I like him and kisses have been exchanged?

Thanks for your help :)

- I hope I haven't ruined everything.




Dear Hope,

I don't think you've ruined anything - this is all a learning process.

You kissed a guy on your third date. I don't see that as criminal.

I do think there's a difference between a quick kiss goodnight (not that big of a deal) and making out somewhere alone and dark (which is NOT a good idea, no matter how fun it may be).

And, just so you know, having kissed (made out with) a bunch of guys is a HUGE turn off to Good Guys. The Jo Boys won't even Casually Group Date a girl if they know the guy(s) she's kissed. "Too weird" they say; once a brother or buddy has kissed a girl, she's off limits. Heck, even if he's not a buddy, knowing that a particular girl has made out with a particular guy can be a huge turn off . . . to a Good Guy.  Bad Guys often see that as a sign of "she made out with him, I'll be I can get her to do that and more", so keeping your kissing limited is a good idea.

I don't recommend being in a committed relationship at your age, but I do think the kiss good-night is okay, and that, I know, seems contradictory to a lot of folks.

But my point is this: a little kissing experience (expressing those feelings) is good at your age (in moderation), but when teens are "in a relationship" simple kissing becomes quickly not enough.

To your questions:

1)  The best way to keep people from rumoring about your kissing is to, as I said, keep it very limited. If you follow the Dating Rules, alternate whom you go out with, and don't kiss anybody until at least the third date . . . well, you're going to end up with a few, but not very many, kisses. Keep things Casual and you should be fine.

2)  You can't cheat if there's no commitment, implied or otherwise. People may FEEL cheated on, and you may want to be sensitive to those feelings.  But a date, especially if it's a Casual Group Date, doesn't by any means have to include kissing, and it doesn't have to mean that you're a couple now, and it doesn't have to mean anything other than a group of kids out having a fun time.

At your age Dating needs to simple, and without dramatic entanglements or implications.

IMHO

 - Bro Jo

PS:  If you want more on my take on Kissing, like our Facebook page and check out "Bro Jo's Guide to Kissing".


2 comments:

Adam said...

Bro Jo., I don't think it's fair to make such a blanket statement about "good" guys being turned off by a girl who has been kissed a lot. I can see why it would be so for many, but I believe that people can change and in giving others chances, regardless of past attitudes or mistakes. Just throwing that perspective out there.

Christopher Cunningham said...

I don't know. I find this talk of guys objectifying women by who or how many times they've kissed rather off putting. I am certainly not so naive that I don't think it happens. But I don't think the guys who dismiss women out of hand because they have used lips deserve to be titled the "good guys."