Chatting On-line with a Not-yet-divorced Man

Dear Bro. Jo,

I recently heard you speak at a fireside.  It was nice to see / meet you after!

Since then I wrote you about a guy I'd met over text who was going through a divorce.

We're still friends.

I came home from school two weeks ago and told my parents about him, even though I didn't strictly need to, but I want them to be part of my life and to know who my friends are.

They flipped out and my mom told me "You are to stop talking to him now and never talk to him again."

That bugged me. I am 18 after all and I feel like they don't trust their training of me that I won't make stupid decisions.

When I wanted to have a real conversation about it with them they shut me down and didn't listen.

I kept talking to him, not behind their backs necessarily, just not telling them.

Last night my mom came in and asked, and I wasn't going to lie but neither was I embarrassed.

I just told her that yes, I was still talking to him.

After family prayer she and dad called me in and told me again to stop talking to him immediately or they were going to take away my temple recommend, laptop, phone and driver's license.

I asked them what their problem with him was and they said their biggest one is that right now he's still married and it's wrong to talk to someone so much even if your spouse doesn't care.

(We talk once or maybe twice a week for two to three hours. Sometimes it's just a hey how are you, I'm busy, have a good one.)

I admit they have a point with that, but when I told them that with people up at school telling me not to ever talk to him again I felt confused and stressful and when I prayed Heavenly Father said "they don't have the whole story. We do. It's okay to still be his friend."

And I felt calm again and confident in how to tell my parents in such a way that they didn't need to blow up, but they blew up anyway, but my parents said the confused feelings were my conscience and that the peace was the devil trying to "entrap" me.

Conceding the marriage point, I asked if they thought I shouldn't talk to him after the divorce is final.

My dad said no because said guy has told me and I told my parents that his wife accused him of physical abuse before she walked out. My dad says whether it's true or not, abusers don't repent.

Those were his words.

Abusers don't repent. I took personal offense to that because I don't think you should ever judge someone of not repenting (besides that I don't know all the details. It's not my business, and personally I think it took guts to tell me that. "Guy" is a very honest person.)

Another thing is, I've thought about his ex's accusation a lot, and if we were ever to meet in person I would ask for more information and then take a few strong guys with me to meet "Guy".

I'm not dumb.

I think about these things and I won't put myself in danger.

Mom said I shouldn't talk to him after the divorce because he's "the kind of person who talks to a young single girl when he's still married".

My response to that is he hadn't seen his wife in almost two months, we're just friends, and he's only 20 years old for crying out loud!

He's just a young guy who's confused and needs a friend.

He doesn't have any deep agenda for sneaking into my good graces and stealing my virtue or anything.

I told my parents I wouldn't talk to him anymore because otherwise they were going to keep escalating threats.

In fact at one point my dad said he'd kick me out on the street if I didn't stop.

"I don't want to have to do that but I will."

But after crying last night and thinking about it today, I knew I couldn't just drop Guy without a word.

We've been having better and better conversations.

He really makes me think and he's also a great listener when I'm telling him my thoughts and ideas.

So tonight I told him what went down and he said "It's better to respect your parents. They're just trying to protect you and keep you on the straight and narrow."

So I let him know I'm going to keep trying until my parents hear me out and I hope he'll let me know when the divorce is official.

Bro Jo, I feel like if I let this go without a fight (bad word choice, a discussion or debate) something else will happen and they'll think they can threaten me with taking away stuff (my laptop and temple recommend and license) that are mine, and treating me like I'm a 10 year old again.

It's not so much Guy as that they have to let me grow up. It makes me never want to come home again and never tell them anything about who I'm dating.

Not that I would date Guy, which is what they seem to be most worried about after the still married thing.

I mean, yes, if after a while of being divorced, and he goes back to school, tells me he's going back to Church, can give me some more details about why his wife left, moves out of his parents house and gets a steady job, etc. etc a LONG list, if he wanted to meet me in person, I would see about it.

Anything more would have to come with solid recommendations from his Church leaders about his Church activity and worthiness, and if anything eternal was on the table it would be at least a year of courtship where we'd meet each other's families, see each other in social situations and actually interact in person. And after that it would still be questionable.

But that is so many maybe's and so many if's and so far away from either of our minds and reality right now. He needs a friends and so do I.

We help each other be better where we are in life. And I'm just not willing to give that up because my parents don't want me to grow up.

I'm trying to examine all of my reasons and my arguments and make them be as adult as possible.

Please, please help.

I don't even know how to open a discussion about it with my parents because they seem to think that it's over and done and I'm just blindly obeying them.

Anything you can say would be helpful.

Is it really just me or are my parents being really judgmental toward someone they don't know?

My mom has even said he's emotionally abusing me and I have zero idea where she got that from.

I never said anything about that.

He has been nothing but honest and sincere and thoughtful at times, but not inappropriately so.

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

When you wrote me before you told me he was already divorced. Or at least that's what I thought you meant when you called him a "recent divorcee".

Look I may not agree with your parent's approach and their threats to take stuff away . . . but I understand their concern.

If the guy is still married and carrying on a virtual relationship with you . . . well, then little sister, he's a cyber-cheater.

And when I look at the whole picture, here's what it boils down to:

- 20 years old
- No Mission
- Failing marriage
- Abusive Husband
- Has virtual relationship with girl he's never met and is not his wife

Little Sister, everyone who knows you best (your parents, your roommates, your friends) has all told you that this guy is bad news and that you should get away and stay away from him.

I think you need to listen to them.

Yeah, I agree that you parents have no right to take away your Temple Recommend or your driver's license. (The laptop and other stuff may come down to whether they own it or you.)  And, yes, I think that even abusive jerks can repent (though your dad is right in that, well . . . they don't often do so).

None of that changes the facts of the day.

And add to that what I said before: hiding in a virtual relationship (even if YOU think you're "just friends") is not the way to deal with the disappointments you've had with your love life..

Sorry, but I'm with everyone else.

I think your "promptings" are more a matter of you hearing what you want to hear.

I think this guy is bad news. And I think you need to cut him off.

I'd go with one last message: "I've come to the realization that me, a single girl, carrying on a relationship (of any kind) with a married man is inappropriate. I wish you well. I hope things work out for you in your marriage."

And then block him.

He's not your project.

If he's going to heal, married or single, he's going to have to man up and do it without you.

If the marriage dissolves and he gets his act together and decides he wants to pursue a relationship with you he will.

Six months from now, if you still care unblock his email and chat name, etc.

But don't initiate contact.

If he's ready and it's right, he'll contact you.

Trust me.

If you can't hold to the not initiating contact, then don't unblock him.

Your parents may be overreacting, but that doesn't mean that their reasons for doing so are wrong.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.

When I wrote you the first time I thought he was divorced. That is what my roommate said.

A few days later he mentioned that he was "getting a divorce" and he told me that he didn't know when it would be official.

That's when I started feeling a little awkward. I hadn't meant to become friends with someone who was still married.

But by then I didn't feel like I could tell him I wouldn't be his friend until it was official, because wasn't that making a bigger deal of it then it should be if there wasn't anything going on?

And I didn't want there to be anything going on. I've come to understand that his talking to me and trying to gain single, female friends while still legally married was/is wrong just on principle.

I hesitate to judge him on that, but I know it wasn't/isn't what he should have been/be doing.

When he started talking to me the divorce papers had been in for about a month and he hadn't seen his wife for almost two. I realize that doesn't make the situation better but I did want to clarify my actions.

If he'd been seeing her every day or even if they'd been in the same state or the decision to get a divorce was still in the air, I would have been gone immediately. But I felt that if he needed a friend, I could be his friend and I just didn't see him as a Big Divorce walking around.

I saw him as someone who had problems that I didn't need to judge him on. I'm realizing the truth of Pres. Hinkley's statement about being friendly to everyone but choosing friends carefully . . .

I've blocked him and I'm not intending to check whether he's tried to talk to me for six months.

At this point I'm still planning to care.

I told him the last time we talked that I saw my parents point about not talking to someone who was married, but that I was still his friend and wished him the best.

Who knows what will happen.

I'm trying to let go of this since I have no control over his actions or what God causes to happen in his life.

As you said, if it's right and he's ready I'll hear from him. Part of it is I hate giving up on people because I feel like a bad person/friend.

But I'm realizing that giving the situation to God isn't giving up on him but placing him in the best hands possible.

In six months I guess I'll see what's going on.

Thanks for helping me put this in perspective.

And your point about hiding behind this because of my disappointed love life stings. But that's what you do best, right? =)

You're right, as usual.

I just didn't admit it before.

I'm starting new things in my life and I'm planning on getting very close to the Lord over the next six months so that when/if the time comes to talk to him again, I'll be ready.

Thanks again,

- NW




Dear NW,

A little more about "answers to prayer" - one way to know if what we hear is the Spirit or us is whether or not it's of benefit to someone else and not a harm to anyone else.  Yes, you could argue that your talking to this man over the internet is a benefit to him (not just you), but don't you think it is harming his wife?  What about their marriage?  And by giving him an "outlet", even though he may not realize it, you could be helping him hurt himself.  If your response is that you don't care, or that he doesn't care . . . well . . . that's not the same as "do no harm", is it?

As for "judging" him . . . I think people need to remember that Heavenly Father has given them Discernment.  There's a purpose in that, and I invite you to figure out what it is, and why we have it.

It's always right to care, but that doesn't mean to condone or enable.

Hang in there.

- Bro Jo