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Monday, May 26, 2014

Bad Date Recovery

Dear Bro Jo,

So I've been reading your blog for a couple of months and it has been very helpful, but I think I finally have my own question now.

I just got back from a horrible date....

We met at a YSA conference and talked for awhile, I introduced myself to him (not knowing that he was 28! I'm 19...) anyway he asked for my number and we went on a date.

On paper, he is a very accomplished man.

In person is a different story.

When we talked at the conference I couldn't tell how strange he was, but when he came to my apartment to pick me up he walked right in when my roommate answered the door and plopped face first on the couch.


He just acted very strange the whole date and talked a lot, especially about himself.

I dressed very nice, he wore a white undershirt.

He kept me out for like 5 hours just talking after we ate (my roommates were so worried that they called the campus police...that's a whole different story)

So my concern is that this is the best I can do.

I really want to start Serious Single Dating.

Not to marry soon (I want to go on a mission in the next couple of years), but to get some kind of experience and get to know people.

This date is about the best I can come up with.

(and btw, I'm pretty normal, in good shape, take care of my appearance, etc.)

I don't really date at all, and I would love to!

But I go to a non-church school and I'm starting to get more attention from guys, but things are just not happening the way I think they should.

What can I do to kind of kick-start my dating life as a young single adult?

Am I missing something that I should be doing?

Any advice would be appreciated!

- Dating Underachiever

Dear Dating,

I highly doubt that an inconsiderate-too-old-for-you-weirdo is the best you can do.

Yes, it could be a lot easier for you to meet single guys much closer to your age at a Church school, and yes I often encourage people to make that move, but that isn't always necessary and I don't sense that the local well has run dry.

Here are some things you can do:

1. Don't share your mission plans with anyone. It's a huge turn off. Few guys, especially few good ones, are going to pursue dating you if you've told everyone that it has no chance of going anywhere. Don't make the "I'm going on a mission announcement" until your papers our submitted. 

2. Don't publicly talk about the bad dates (by the way, it's a huge concern to me that you didn't get yourself out of that one much earlier than you did; if you weren't having a good time or were concerned in any way for your safety you needed to first ask, the demand, that he take you home; if he refused then you needed to call for help right away; there's no excuse for being that "helpless" anymore, little sister). In social settings guys will want to know that you're not going to embarrass them the next day if everything doesn't go perfectly. 

3. Don't make first dates out to be more than the are. Often within the Church guys are hesitant to ask out girls because our culture often makes the mistake of putting too much emphasis on those first few dates. These are "get to know you" experiences, they do not mean that he's in love with you, or worships your attractiveness, or is ready to propose. In fairness, I think the guys are as much to blame for the cultural problems as the girls are . . . because too many of them only ask out girls that they already know really well, are in love with, worship their attractiveness, or are ready to propose to. (sigh) 

We have lots of things on the column page and Facebook page that you can read through about getting attention and getting guys to ask you out. You might find them helpful, too.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for your response and for getting back to me so quickly, I really appreciate it!

Very good advice.

And don't worry, only a select few know about that disaster date.

Hopefully that won't ever happen and learn I guess!

It's nice to get kind of a "parent's" perspective about stuff like this.

Thanks again!

- Dating

Dear Dating,

Oh . . . it will likely happen again!

The point is to laugh it off and chalk it up to experience.

That's why I'm here.

Have fun!

- Bro Jo

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