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Wednesday, October 22, 2014

When It's Time to Make Things Happen

Dear Bro Jo,

I have written to you a couple of times about different things, and I always feel a little silly doing so, but sometimes it is nice to just get someone else's perspective on things, and I very much agree with many of your views on dating...

So here is the current situation:  I am an "older" (for Utah) single girl and I date a bit, but I find it very hard to find a guy that I want to continue to date, and when I do they usually end up saying that they are not ready for anything serious and then end things.

Well a while ago I started dating a guy that I had known for a while, we were friends and he just asked me out one day and things went well from there...

We dated for a couple of months but nothing official was established (by the way I was 25, he was 27) so we are more than old enough for a serious relationship and I feel like that is we're things should have been going.

However, as we kept dating he was still dating other people, though not as much, and I went on a coupe of other dates, (it was always a bit touchy like neither of us wanted to be dating other people but we also didn't want to try and get the other one to stop, it was a little weird) but the problem was I kinda felt like I was a second thought to him...

Sometimes it was like if he didn't have anything else to do than he might as well go out with me, now this very well could have been reading into the situation because I have some pretty significant insecurities that I am trying to work on (I wish I could figure that out better).

Anyway, things just kind of fizzled out because I think neither of us knew how to talk about what we wanted.

Fast forward to a little over a year later.

I had been thinking about him a lot and a mutual friend of ours got engaged, this was someone we had talked about and stuff . . . so I texted him to chat about it a little, we had a small conversation and updated each other on our lives a bit but that was the extent of the conversation.

Now it is more than a year and a half after we stopped dating and for the past couple of months I have been thinking about him a ton, I think that I have learned some things and grown up a lot and I would really just kind of like to try things again however, I don't know if I should and if so how would I even do it?

I can't decide if I have been thinking about him so much because of him, or just because I don't have anyone else to think about right now... I just wanted to get your opinion on if you think I should try and contact him or anything, and if so what would be the best way to do that.

Or should I just let it go and continue to focus in trying to meet some other guys... ?

Which seem to be pretty hard to find around these parts. (At least ones who want to date)

Thanks for your advice!


Dear L,

I think at your age you need to be putting in a little more effort.

I do think you need to talk to him, and I think it needs to be in person.

The preference would be for him to call and ask you out, but I don't think you should wait around for that to happen.

I think you should call him and say "hey, I was hoping we could get together and talk soon . . . when and where can we meet?"

If he's unwilling to meet, meaning he won't make seeing you any kind of priority, there's nothing there and you can confidently move on.

If he is willing to meet (and I hope he's smart enough to make that choice), then after a couple minutes of pleasantries I think you need to come out and say it. "So here's the deal: I've been thinking about you a lot lately; we've always been good friends and it seemed like we had a lot of fun when we were dating; I need to know why nothing has gone any farther, relationship wise, between us".

And then Be Quiet.

Let the man speak.

You'll either find out that the guy is a dead end and you need to move on, or you'll be inspired to kiss him.

And if that's the case, I think you should.

Either way, you'll know.

Communication is the key in any relationship. Rather than aimlessly wandering and wondering . . .


- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

Could this also apply to someone who is only in their early twenties, who tried to have a relationship, but it was put on halt for a year, and now that we are both single again one would like to try again? So far, the guy has been up for meeting.

What is your take on that?

Bro Jo said...

Depends on why you broke up last time. If it wasn't for a good reason, by all means . . . DATE!

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

He was just off his mission, and I was overly stressed with a family crisis and apparently too frazzled to deal with dating. But it's all cool now, I hope. I have a good feeling about him, even if he does drive me to the brink of insanity sometimes, I still like him so much.

So, I'll go for it. We'll see what happens when all is said an done.

Anonymous said...

In your opinion what falls into the category of a good reason to break up?

Bro Jo said...

Great question!

I'll post the answer on November 26th.

The column will be called "When to Break Up".


- Bro Jo