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Friday, November 14, 2014

He's Lost the Will to Serious Single Date - Part 2

Dear Bro Jo

Thanks Bro Jo for your reply.

I guess to start off with I'm a 24 years old RM.

I consider myself a pretty average guy with average looks. I am quiet and not to outgoing.

I grew up in a small town with not many girls my age.

I usually just kept to myself when I was younger.

Now that I am older I try to stay social and go to all YSA activities. I try to treat every girl like a princess.

I have not asked out a whole lot of girls not even close to your 50 suggested dates a year.

I have only ever asked out 6 girls.

Most of them I would not consider to be the popular girls that every guy wants to ask out.

I have asked out both girls that I was hoping would go somewhere and girls that I just wanted a friendly experience with.

To be honest half of the girls I asked out said yes to a date the other said no either they weren't interested or they were always busy when I asked.

Out of the 3 girls that said yes one of them I straight out asked if she would be interested in going out again sometime and she said no. I was not expecting anything to much she was just one the few girls I actually knew at the time.

Well attending school at BYU-I I Went on a group date with a bunch of friends to a movie.

After the movie my date said she was not feeling good and wanted go home. The rest of the group went to have ice cream after the movie.

This was the only time I had a girl go home from a date even though I know the first message I said girls.

Now for the girl that said no when I didn't ask. There was a girl I kind of like and I thought she kind of liked me to. I never asked her out because I was kind of tired with this dating thing and I only wanted friends. I thought we were pretty good friends but she started to ignore me and I got frustrated and posted on Facebook how I hate it when girls ignore me.

She was quick to text and apologized for ignoring me and told me she just didn't want lead me on and all she wanted was friends.

I told her I was fine with that and I was not trying to be anything more than a friend.

She continued to ignore me after that.

I just feel like girls are not interested in me for anything more than friends.

I would define success in knowing that someone actually had some sort of romantic interest in me.

Maybe someone that would actually go on a second date because they wanted to.

I feel like I have not been successful because every girl I have asked out even if they said yes to a date I felt like they made it clear they didn't want to go on a second one.

I don't feel successful because the girls that I thought were interested in me straight up told me they are not.

Over all I stopped carrying and I have never been happier.

But what has me frustrated now is there is a girl that I like and she has done a few things to make me think she might like me.

The biggest thing is just a little while ago she went out of her way to come talk to me and she got really close and brushed her arm against me and not just like a bump into you but she held it there for a while.

The thing that frustrates me is if I text her thanking her for her lesson at Church or something like that she will reply but if I actually ask her a question when I text her she ignores it.

I just feel like girls act like they care sometimes just to get a reaction and build their self-esteem while it is tearing apart the self-esteem of others.

Thank you again for your help.

- Dateless




Dear Dateless,

I'm sorry, but clearly you need a little tough love in your life.

You've come to the right place, my man.

1. You don't have nearly enough dating experience to claim to be "tired" of anything. Less drama, please. 
And less whining. 
Dude, I dated 65 different girls before I started dating the one I was fortunate enough to marry, and I was dumped by more than half of them. 
I had one girl breakup with me on our anniversary, another dis me because she wanted to date my best friend (they had actually been making out for a week before she told me), one girl stood me up and then I never saw her again (she quit where we worked, never took my calls again, and told her mother to send me away when I went to her house), and another break up with me one night, say she wanted to get back together the next morning, and then dump me again after smooching for a while.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. 
So don't come at me with your "one girl who you never dated said she just wants to be friends", "one girl got sick and asked to be taken home", and "no success after dating a whopping 6 girls" throwing your hands up and ready to quit dating altogether.
Brother, you can't quit a race you've never run.

2. Stop posting your frustrations about dating and girls on Facebook. I can't think of anything more pathetic. 

 3. Put down your freakin' cell phone. 
Stop texting women and start talking to them.
In person!
Seriously.
There's no excuse for a guy at BYU-Idaho not to have a date every weekend.
I've been on that campus many times. I've got more emails than I can count from great girls who would love to be asked out by guys just like you.
Well . . . the less whiny version of you. 

Also: when one comes back from a mission, a Group Date is not a date anymore . . . it's a Hang Out. 

Or an "activity".

Until you're in a relationship, no more hanging out.

Forget about looks.

Forget about what everyone else thinks, says and does.

The world is full of great girls your age, LDS and Single, who want to go out.

Stop thinking that you have to know someone super well before you ask them out.

Getting to know someone is what those first few dates are for!

Make up for lost time.

Get a date for tonight.

And plan one for tomorrow.

During the Christmas holiday you should have - at least - six dates.

And don't be lame.

Plan.

Spend some dough.

Go up to a nice single girl (I'm sure you know tons of them, but even if you ask a stranger that's okay) and ask her if she'd like to go to the new movie tonight.

Then go up to another girl (in person, no texting!) and ask her out to lunch for Saturday.

Then find another girl to take to dinner.

When you've got more experience you'll know whether a brush up against the arm means anything or not.

No excuses.

Just get out there, man!

- Bro Jo

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well thanks for posting the second part. I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Rejection does hurt but 6 girls is not a majority or a "I will be single for the rest of my life" death sentence. It is interesting that the author served a mission but did not pick up the ability to talk to anyone at any time. Fear will stop our dreams faster than anything else. If I were you I would make a list of the positive things you can bring to a relationship. What is great about you? What makes you different or interesting? What kind of relationship do you want? Ask God what you should be looking for and ask him if there are changes you should make in order to find a great girlfriend. Pray for confidence and then go hunting. Confidence is an almost irristible attribute. It was what made my husband stand out. He was not cocky, he was not insecure-He knew who he was, where he wanted to go and he had the courage to move forward even in difficult times. In the past, I doubted myself and got caught up in my emotions but his confidence has rubbed off and made me a better person. You can have a date on Friday and Saturday! Heck you could be married by the end of the semester-you are at BYUI and the field is all ready to harvest Brother:)

Bro Jo said...

Part 3 is coming soon!

- Bro Jo

geli said...

I'm a RM Sister with a dry well of a singles ward going back to BYU-I in January. Heck, it bothers me that a dude is giving up after asking out 6 girls. I mean, I'm not one to give advice, I've only ever been asked one a few dates, but I've never said no and I've never been mean! I've just been friendzoned... But whatever, they aren't future husband material anyways. And I am definitely NOT giving up on trying to get dates.

So, what I guess I am saying to
"dateless" is, Keep your chin up! Become the best YOU that you can become. That's what I'm doing. I'm learning to love myself, because how do you expect others to love you if you can't love yourself?

Go out. Go dancing. Find some social event, flirt with girls and ASK THEM OUT! You don't have to be BFFs. You don't even have to know her last name. Just ask her out, do something fun. If she says 'no' to date two, find another girl. It's just like tracting. If someone slammed a door in your face, did you give up, go back to the apartment and wallow in self pity? (hopefully not!) NO! You went right on to that next door to share the Gospel.

Well... that's all I've got for today. You can do it, bro! I have faith in you.

Lisa said...

Bro Jo,

Are you telling me that when you are dating as an adult, you shouldn't go on group dates because that is hanging out?

Because I'm a 21 year old woman and, I never had a chance to go on a date and, I don't want my very first date to be with a guy who is ready for marriage and, on a one couple date. I don't have any experience with dating.

Bro Jo said...

Lisa,

I'm sorry you didn't go on Casual Group Dates as a Teen (please make sure that your kids do when the time comes!).

A first date is NOT A BIG DEAL!

So what if he's older and looking for a wife?

That doesn't make him a bad guy, nor does it mean he'll propose to you anytime soon . . . if ever . . .

No sense putting up roadblocks before we've even traveled down the road.

You're a grown woman. Go on Single Dates.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Lisa I agree with bro jo that going on single dates are good when you're at the age to think about getting married if the right person comes along. On the other hand if you don't want to feel like the first few dates are big deal, because they aren't, you could ask that the first few dates can be double dates. That would let you go on the date but have it be a bit more casual and if you want to talk alone with your date it is easier to seperate from one other couple than it is a group.
Bro jo would disagree with me but if there is a guy you are interested in you can ask him out. If you want to go jo's way then you can ask the guy to ask you out, in my mind that is a pointless game. If you do the asking you have the same responsibility as the men in that you plan, pick up, and pay.

Bro Jo said...

It's not just an issue of me disagreeing, it's that if she asks a guy out she'll likely turn him off.

Which is not the goal, right?

Respecting traditional gender roles is not a game, it's accepting that men and women are, in many (not all, but many) ways, different.

And that's a good thing.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Agreed with Bro Jo. I also disagree with the other Anon's advice to ask that the date be a double date for it to feel like it's no big deal.

The guy is planning a date and paying. Though this is expected of guys, it's still courteous on the side of the girl if she shows gratitude for this. Part of showing gratitude is to not lay an additional wrench to the planning. Being a guy, I haven't had good luck planning double dates. It's hard to find a friend that wants to come. Guys typically don't like to double date. If I find one, he usually doesn't get the girl that he wants to take out. If he gets a girl to say yes and she cancels a few days before, then he has to find a replacement and may end up being someone he doesn't want to take out, in which case he may be hesitant to pay and go. Not to mention, many girls don't like getting asked out last moment and may have other plans by then anyway, so it's hard to go through with the plans. If his date cancels the day before the double date, then the double date goes down the drain. I guess guys can plan a double date with a guy who has a girlfriend or fiance but girls may find those to be awkward. As we know, girls are more on the lookout than guys for identifying and labeling things that are "awkward" or "creepy" or "weird."

Dates should be SIMPLE and also NO BIG DEAL. The same goes for planning: Don't make it a chore for the guy to make additional accommodations for your shyness. Ladies, if you're at least 18, then you're adults. Get out of the comfort zone that swaddles teenagers. Be adults, learn to date like adults, accept dating like adults, accept the purpose of dates in both the short and long term.

Lisa said...

Well, guys never asked me out and, a parent can't make anyone ask you out. Besides everyone around my exclusively dated people. That is probably why I never got asked out.

Bro Jo said...

You might want to check this out:

https://www.facebook.com/notes/dear-bro-jo/bro-jos-how-a-girl-can-get-a-guy-to-ask-her-on-a-date/179143735084

Best,

- Bro Jo

Lisa said...

I read that. I meant when I was a youth everyone exclusively dated.

Bro Jo said...

I'm sure they did.

I'm saying it might help you now.

- Bro Jo

Lisa said...

What can I say dating isn't for me. I'm not datable. And how am I suppose to learn to date when I'm an adult, when I haven't dated as a teenager?

Bro Jo said...

Honestly, it sounds like attitude is your biggest problem right now.

Let's talk.

Send me an email.

dearbrojo@gmail.com

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

You can learn to date as as adult. Lots of people didn't date as teenagers. You're only 18. I'm 27, graduated BYU surrounded by all those ladies (I'm still in Provo), and didn't have my first 3rd date with a girl until I was 25, AFTER I had graduated. While others around me had a bunch of "success" with girls (multiple dates, relationships, girls who crushed on them and who flirted with them and brought them cookies etc), it was very frustrating for me to not experience that during college. I had my first girlfriend when I was 26 and that lasted for about a month. I still have 3 years until I hit 30 so there's plenty of time. You have 12 years until you get there so.....quite a while to learn things. Enjoy these years! I'm sure you'll figure out "how to date" :)