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Thursday, May 21, 2015

Why Do Guys Give Mixed Signals?

Dear Bro Jo,

I’ll try to make this to the point. I have a couple of questions for you.

First, I heard someone say once that guys do exactly what they feel and they don’t give mixed messages, they either like you or they don’t.

This guy at Church has been paying a lot of attention to me lately, talking to me every time he sees me at church, gives me hugs, says we should get together sometime, playfully teases me, tells me I look nice, and even asked me to come sit with just him in sacrament meeting.

But he’s never asked me for my number or made actual plans for us to do something.

He’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, so I know he’s not being insincere, but what gives?

He’s not shy or anything, so why would he act like he likes me, then not do anything about it? 

Second question:  someone told me once that the reason I don’t have a boyfriend is because I’m so shy, so do you think being shy or awkward is a turnoff once a guy gets to know me a little better?

I was hoping my awkwardness was endearing but maybe it’s just awkward haha.

So if a guy is super outgoing and confident, would my quietness/shyness be a major turnoff? 


- LC

p.s.- We're both YSA and he's an RM (and rumored that he's looking for a girlfriend)

Dear LC,

I think guys can absolutely give mixed messages.

Now it may be for a different reason than girls, though.

Some guys are manipulative, but for a lot of them, if the signals aren't clear it's because they're confused.

I bet the latter is the case in this situation . . . it sounds to me like this guy doesn't know what to do. 

Another thing that happens a lot with guys your age is that they're afraid.

They're afraid to ask girls out because those first few dates should just be "get to know you" dates, and our culture wants to make them out to be more than that.

What if you get too excited he asks you out?

What if he messes things up?

What if he likes you but isn't ready to be a Boyfriend yet?

Get it?

So the solution often is for you (as the girl) to take the pressure off and give him a signal back.

First the signal.

Put him on the spot a little. Say to him "So how come you've never asked for my number or asked me out on a date?"

If he takes the bait (and if he doesn't, you'll need to move on), then you make sure that you don't put to much weight or emphasis on those first few dates.

Date with a purpose, but keep those first YSA dates casual.

And I wouldn't say that being shy is by itself necessarily a turn off.

Some of us would rather stay home with our spouses than go out to parties with lots of people.

But I do think that one's dating possibilities, and thereby relationships, is curtailed when one avoids getting to know new people.

We date whom we're comfortable with, so if guys are going to ask you out they'll need to feel comfortable around you.

Nothing achieves that better than talking to them, or rather, getting them to talk to you about themselves.

Happy Dating!

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo

Thanks for your great response!

I think you're right, that he's confused.

I've talked to him a couple more times (I didn't ask him when he was going to ask me out) and I have come to the conclusion that at first I think I intrigued him, but as time went on, his interest has faded.

Makes me sad because he was SO perfect and I kind of ruined it, but always next time, right?

Thanks again!!

- LC

Dear LC,

I wouldn't say that you've ruined anything.

You may be giving up too easily or too early . . .

His loss.

- Bro Jo

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