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Monday, May 23, 2016

Should He Pursue the RM Sister He Met While Serving?

Dear Bro Jo,

I am a recently returned missionary (most challenging but most rewarding two years of my life). I met this sister missionary on the mission and I had a huge crush on her.

We were two great missionaries, not to put myself up or anything like that, and our missions intertwined a lot because of it.

We trained new missionaries numerous times at the same time, so we saw each other a lot as a result of that. She was a Sister Training Leader at the same time I was a Zone Leader, so we saw each other often because of that.

We served in the same zone at one point.

We served in the same areas (me in Spanish; she in English, but in the same area).

We even taught some of the same investigators.

We talked a lot about a lot of the unusually difficult experiences that I had in my mission (my parents’ divorce and family members passing away).

She became a really good friend of mine.

About 8 months into the mission, I realized I had a crush on her. And I did everything I could to hide it.

I didn't tell anyone about it except for one of my good mission buddies who I really trusted.

I would avoid flirting with her.

Sometimes it would just come out, but then I'd really back off.

I did my best to not do or say anything that would get me in trouble . . . but I thought about her constantly, and I turned it into a motivation for me to work hard rather than a distraction.

Now I know that these mission crushes happen often (at least in my mission) but I know that the grand majority of them don't work out, and I at first thought that as soon as I went back to college, I'd find some other girl that I really liked and date her.

Well, I'm back at college . . .  surrounded by plenty of great women, but none of them strike me like this sister missionary did.

I haven't had an attraction to any of them like I did with her.

The biggest problem is, she is going to school 3 hours away, and I have no car (she does) and no money.

We've texted a bit, haven't talked on the phone at all since we've been home because of our schedules.

I've hinted to the fact that I like her, giving her a little comment about a pretty picture of her or telling her that we should go on a date.

She's coming here to a mission reunion in two weeks and she agreed to go on a date with me!

I'm just wondering what I should do beyond this . . .

Do I tell her I've liked her?

What should I say to her, if anything at all?

Basically, how can I make this work out, if possible?

Thanks so much.


- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

1. Start by getting a job.

One need not be wealthy to court a girl, but creativity only goes so far.

If you have a job and aren't making enough money to meet your needs (and dating is a need, brother), then work more or get a second job.

Or a third.

2. Next, figure out how to get around the 3-hour away thing.

- check out public transportation
- buy a cheap car that serves no other function than going to see her
- find out how to ride share
- look into one of those "share-a-car" services
- become a very fit cyclist
- find a guy willing to drive you up there (perhaps with the promise of going on blind dates with her friends)

. . . something.

You're going to have to Be Creative.

3.  Third, relax.

If you put too much pressure on you or her or this first date you may blow it before anything has a chance to start.

You know her, but now you're getting to know the non-mission her.

Take things slow.

No kissing until the third date.

4.  Fourth, be the one to initiate contact and make plans.

Don't come across as needy and desperate; find a way to be confident AND humble. 

She'll like that.

5.  Fifth, if things go well on this first date, make sure you conclude by telling her what a great time you had.

If she seems to agree, then WAIT - about three or four days (not more than that) - and ask her out again. (Actually, it doesn't hurt to go into this date with a plan for the next one. If the Spirit prompts, you can ask her to the next planned event at the end of this one.)

6. Sixth, treat her WELL.

You show her in what you say and by what you do that you think she deserves to be treated like a queen.

No, that doesn't mean that you fawn all over her, over compliment, or speak like Wesley from Princess Bride; it means that you open doors, stand when she stands, hold her chair, offer your arm. 

Be the perfect gentleman and escort.

There are no problems, only our willingness or lack thereof to solve them.

See the Net, not the Goalie.

Good luck!

And have fun!

Let me know how it goes.

- Bro Jo

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