The Out-of-the-Blue Breakup

Dear Bro Jo,

Hello again!

So, I have a bit of a situation . . . there's this guy (oh how cliche)..he's wonderful, interesting, and smart. We have been in the same ward for quite some time but haven't really been able to talk much (I've been spending time out of the country) but he's the same age as my older sister and so I kinda know him, but had never really talked to him.

But now we are both back, and single.

So we started talking and eventually went out on a few dates, just to clarify I'm 19 and he's 22 (R.M.) so they were fun, one on one dates.

(He invited me to his basketball game, then we got hot chocolate and talked at the temple for a few hours, he came over to my house and played games/watched a movie, and we went to a hot air balloon festival) plus we had been texting/calling quite a bit..this all happened in the space of about a week and a half.

I liked him immediately and surprisingly very intensely, (I haven't felt that way for a guy so fast in a long time..)

I have a missionary whom I really like, (but we both decided that it would be good to date other people) so I've been on quite a few dates since he's been gone--and have liked a few guys, but some of them were preparing for their own missions, or I'm not really into it or vice versa or whatever (something always happened)--and frankly I haven't really been heartbroken about it.

Anyways, back to this guy . . .

We went on those few dates and afterwards he came back to my house to watch a movie and we started talking, he said that he had just gotten out of a long term serious relationship (he had been with his ex for a year).

So, I asked if he still liked her (not wanting to get into anything if he still had feelings for her) and he said that breaking up was mutual and they both saw it coming, he only sees her as a friend, he wants whats best for her and all but doesn't see anything romantic.

Earlier in the week (right after our 2nd date) his ex texted him and he said he was confused about it.--I have no idea what he or she said..but, I mean, if you date someone for a year and you aren't sure if you should be together then you probably shouldn't be together, am I right...?

Anyways, after him telling me all this about his ex and everything he said he wanted to "take things slow" and "be fair to me" and he "didn't want to hurt me".

I ofcourse not wanting to lie to him told him about my missionary and that I'm not waiting for him, but I also like him too but I wanted to give the current guy a chance and "not hurt him" either. 

So . . .naturally I thought taking things slow meant being casual and dating others, but he surprised me with a kiss. (we ended up making out on a couple occasions) which was awesome/confusing.

So I was trying to be cool and casual about it but he sure didn't kiss me very casually.

I ended up going on a couple of dates with other guys during that time to try to protect my heart buy I felt nothing for them and could only think about this current guy.

I also didn't want to play games so I told him that I had gone out with those other guys and if he was okay with it and he said that yeah he was cool with it and that we should keep on trying to be casual.

I really started to develop feelings for this guy though, but I kinda felt him start to back off a bit. I was super confused about where his head was so I decided to be brave and tell him my feelings.

So I said: "Hey so I just wanted to clear this up and be real with you..and let you know that even though I've been on a few dates with other guys I can't stop thinking about you! Gosh what is it about you (name withheld)!?

But I wanted to let you know that I really feel like there could be something pretty great between us. I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I would really like to see where we could go. I would rather let you know how I feel and possibly be hurt -- than to never take a chance.."

To which he replied: "Yeah I've been wanting to talk to you. (name withheld) you're a really great girl and its been so much fun hanging out with you! I think we are just in different places in our lives. I've had fun with you but you've just come on really strong. And with where I'm at in my life I don't want that. Things just got moving really fast and it freaked me out. And I needed time to think and pray about things. I want to still be friends but I think I just need my space for now. Are you okay with that? I really don't want to hurt you and just want you to be happy and I don't think I could give you what you deserve."

So, I was pretty sad and a little humiliated.

I just said okay with a smile and that was it. Okay, I know it seems like I'm a crazy girl who just wants to get married, but that really isn't me.

I just wanted to date him and see how things went! (I still don't feel ready for marriage just yet) I really don't feel like I did anything wrong. But I'm not sure how to handle this now. I saw him in church today and it was hard for me to even look at him, let alone talk to him..so I didn't. I would still be okay with being friends with him but I don't want to come off as intense or anything.


What should I do?

 And uh, why did he kiss me?!

Again.

HE kissed ME.

Not the other way around.


Sure if he was like most guys I'd say that's just how they are..but this guy is different, he's honest and spiritual, he's a really great person.

Any advice?

Thanks.

- Confused




Dear Confused,

I'm guessing that he kissed you because

A) Kissing is fun

B) He finds you attractive

C) The timing seemed appropriate (and I'd argue that it was) ,and

D) He wanted to kiss you (and you let him).


All of which are good things.


I don't think you came on to strong, I don't think you were out of line to think this was going somewhere (and I agree that it probably should have), and I think he may have made a big mistake. 


But the bottom line is that he broke up with you; and as I've said often, while you two can be friendly, you can never really be close friends. You either end up together or apart; he either becomes your best friend, or someone else will. So I think it's best to move on.

I know that may be difficult, but consider this: him breaking up with you doesn't mean that you're not great; it means that for a period of time he was smart enough to realize how great you are . . . and then he wasn't.

Some other guy will figure it out, and that guy won't be dumb enough to change his mind.

So keep dating!

And, who knows?

Perhaps if you continue to be nice to this guy he'll figure it out.

And, if so, maybe . . . Just MAYBE . . . you'll let him crawl back and beg you for another chance . . . 

But that will be your decision to make.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, it seriously made me feel so much better about this situation!

I have a couple of things to ask about though (sorry) but when the guy mentioned me coming on really strong I thought long and hard about what that might mean..

I'm not the type to come on strong..ever..

I really should work on coming on stronger actually, or else most guys think I'm indifferent to them. 

The only thing I could think of was that other people were kind of pressuring him in a way.

One of our mutual friends told the guy that I was really awesome and that he should put a ring on it (I know this sounds presumptuous) but several other people (his baseball coach, some people in the ward, one of my friends) said the same thing while I was with him (and I'm not sure who said what while I wasn't with him) I didn't ask them to say this either!

The bottom line is that how is it my fault that he was being pressured by others and not by me..?

Is it wrong to be like-able? (k I'm really not a brat I promise.) but for real.

How does a girl fix that?

I know this is a little desperate but I really like this guy.

A whole lot.

And I'm not asking him to fall in love with me..(I can't predict the future! Who knows maybe its not meant to be..) I'm just asking for a chance. Is there anything else I can do in this situation??

(I mean besides show up to all the FHE activities and Sacrament meetings looking ravishing;))

ha.

Help..?

- Confused




Dear Confused, 

We can't "fix" people; we can help them, but even then only if they want our help.

And let's be honest with ourselves: you absolutely want him to fall in love with you; if you didn't there would be no reason to write me about him.

You could try talking to him and asking him what happened; I think that's a fair thing to do, but I don't know that you should waste your time.


Sister Jo is a HUGE advocate of showing up, looking ravishing, and making him regret he ever blew it with you.


But she's also right when she says that even if you didn't come on too strong (and I believe that's the case), the response to someone who has freaked out about feeling pressured is never positive if you pressure them more.


You had a chance, and so did he.


As great as he may be, he wasn't smart enough to realize it at the time, so you need to move on and make him regret it. Then and only then will there be a chance he'll come around.


If he does, you frankly may not care.

And THAT'S the position you want to be in.

- Bro Jo