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Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Is It Over?

Dear Bro Jo,

I don't know how to begin. I'm 27 soon to be 28 and my boyfriend is 24.

We have been dating officially since the end of Feb.

I feel like I really messed things up.


Here's a little background.

Hes studying pre-med and will be a senior this next year and graduating.

I will be a junior and I'm in the middle of deciding my major.

I met him while he was working in the cafeteria at school last fall semester.

I thought he was pretty cool so we started talking and hung out once or twice and then he asked me on a couple dates.

Nothing happened, but we had fun.

We kept in touch briefly and then spring semester came, he saw me, made the effort to spend time with me and our first date we HIT IT OFF!

It was incredible!

From then on we just kept finding time to spend with each other.

We decided to make things official at the end of february and have been dating since then.

We have said the "I Love You's and everything.

I really care for this guy.

I asked him once what he wanted with this relationship and he told me hes at a point in his life where he's looking for a future companion and so far so good, but we will see.

He's even told me that he feels like we have a lot of the same goals and dreams...

But, this is how I feel like I messed things up.

I worried WAY WAY WAY too much about everything and couldn't appreciate what was going good.

And because of my worrying I caused him to question how he feels.

So dumb.

I asked him what was going to happen once the semester ended.

He had his internship (which is where hes at right now for this month) and I wasn't sure if I was staying here or going home for the summer.

I told him I didn't want us to waste each others time.

Well, he became a little distant after that and it finally was really noticeable.

My feelings were really hurt.

I am his first serious relationship and well to be honest, he is mine.

He's not very good at expressing his feelings and neither am I. Its something we are working on.

I realize I've been the one who's impatient and not just letting things flow and happen as they will.

Well, before he left we agreed on a "break".

Whatever that means...



I have spoke to him twice on the phone since he's been gone and both times he's told me he loves me, but, he doesn't text me now.

To me that says he's over me.

Am I wrong in thinking this? I mean, how hard is it to send a text..it takes less than a min...

My mom just tells me to be patient, that hes really busy with his internship and to just see how things go when he gets back.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like I've screwed it up and I don't know how to make things right. I'm miserable and feeling like I'm in limbo.

I know he's busy with the internship and working on top of that as well as helping the doctor he's interning for publish an article, but is it asking to much for just some sort of contact?

We agreed that with the break we were still "dating"...but, I don't even know what that means anymore.

I'm trying to give him his space so he can figure out what he wants.

That's what he told me he needed...was to be able to figure things out.

Is that just a cop out for I really don't want to be with you and I'm too chicken to say anything?

Am I being ridiculous in my thinking?

Help.

- Hurt & Confused




Dear Hurt,

You know . . . I'm not a big fan of texting.

It's fine for sending little pieces of information (Sister Jo and I will text each other updates when we're at simultaneous sporting events in different parts of the state), but there's so much communicating that can't happen in a text.

Tone, expression, body language . . . it all goes missing.

Time is passing much faster for him than it is for you right now because, as you said, your schedule isn't quite as busy as his.

If he continues down this career path then his life isn't going to be any less busy any time soon, as I'm sure you're aware.

The problem, of course, is that you left things differently than you wish you had, and that's exacerbated by the fact that, in terms of marriage culture (especially in the Church), he's got a few prime looking for a spouse years left, and frankly . . . you don't.

Not to argue with your mom, but I don't think you have the luxury of "being patient".

Yes, it's only been a month, and yes, two calls during that time is pretty good, but a girl needs reassuring; and he probably needs to be taught that.

To me it sounds like the last few times you saw him you were giving his boat a push in the opposite direction . . . sitting back and waiting isn't likely to change the current of the ocean . . .

So . . . I think you need to bring it up.

Tell him how you feel, tell him what you're worried about, and tell him what you want.

Tell him you love him and need some reassurance.

On the phone is fine, in person would be better.

If you "scare him off", I submit he was already out the door anyway.

And if you never ask, and things never happen, you'll regret it forever.

Good luck.

Let me know how it goes.

- Bro Jo

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