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Tuesday, August 30, 2016

One Girl's Story - Part 2 of 5: A Relationship?!?

[Dear Readers,

A special treat this week.  Five posts, all from the same sister.  I'd like you to see how life changes and evolves in just a few short years.

This email came five months after Part 1.

Best to you all,

- Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

I wrote you a couple months ago because I was frustrated I wasn't going on dates. Your advice helped a lot and things got better!

Well, I got set up with this amazing guy at the beginning of June and things were going really well! We were going out on a regular basis, we were talking fairly regularly, he was making excuses to see me, and he would do cute things like randomly bring my favorite candy bar to me at school (we're both going summer semester).

I had gotten to the point where I didn't really want to go out with other people.  However, about the time I decided this, things got weird. He would still do cute things, but acts totally disinterested at the same time and I feel like I'm initiating more conversations than when we first started going out, and we don't talk as consistently as before. I feel like we are on two totally different pages now, and I don't know what to do.  This past weekend I got asked out on dates by two different guys that I don't think I'd be interested in anyway even if this first guy wasn't in the picture, but do I go out with them?

I feel like I need to just ask him where we are, if I should be moving on. Or if I just need to be patient with him?

We haven't kissed yet, but we've kinda talked about kissing before, and he thinks it's really really important, but even without that, we cuddle a lot and he's been fairly affectionate with me (though, not much in the past week).

I'm struggling with all of this so much because in the beginning things felt so right, and easy, and I feel like we haven't progressed enough to be comfortable enough for the "wooing" to stop. If anything, I feel like we've just stalled. And maybe taken a couple steps backwards.

Also, I think he is way too close to the friend who set us up (probably because our mutual friend is a girl) but whenever I am around both of them I feel like the 3rd wheel.

Maybe I am just jealous because I like him so much, but I think her boyfriend feels that way too. I feel like I am stuck in between a rock and a hard place, either I am going to look like I am crazy and possessive, or I am going to be miserable.


I just don't know what to do anymore!

One Lonely Ute

Dear One,

Lots of thoughts here.  I'll try to keep them organized.

Two adults who have been on three or more dates, IMHO, should have at least kissed each other goodbye, exclusive or not.

I don't think you should kiss him just to keep him interested; but I don't understand why you haven't kissed yet.

Should you go out with guys you're not necessarily interested in?

Yes.  If you're not exclusive with anyone else.  Does this guy you've been seeing have reason to believe you're exclusive?  Well, yeah . . . if you two are spending all of your free time dating each other.

What do I think about the fact that things have "cooled off" this soon in the relationship???  I think that, for him at least, there's no interest in things moving forward.  Maybe.

(For the record, with most couples the wooing never stops; i.e.:  I still buy Sister Jo flowers and she makes me treats.)

He brought you candy . . . what did you do for him?  Was he putting in "all the effort" while you just sat back and thought "wow, this is great!"  (That certainly would have killed it for me . . .)

BTW . . . outside of "may I kiss you", before the first time, I think any discussions about kissing are weird.  If he said that and you said "I'm not ready, yet", I'd have told him to give you 1 week, 1 romantic date (after the third) to "get ready" and to expect you to say "I'm ready now".  If you didn't, I'd tell him to move on.  FYI.)

Now, all of that said, he and his "best friend" are totally dating the wrong people.  They should be dating each other.  Or they should stop being "besties" and focus on whom their dating.  I think the fact that you feel like a third wheel when they're together is very telling.

And I think you need to be telling . . . as in:

- telling him that you "feel like a third wheel when the three of you are together"
- telling him that you're not his "wait for her to dump her boyfriend consolation prize"
- and telling him that you'd "like to hear from him where he thinks the relationship is at and why he thinks you feel like things have cooled of recently and so soon"

Knowledge is power.

And Information Precedes Revelation.

Don't be dramatic or uptight; don't grill him or be overly possessive.

But go get some information.

- Bro Jo

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