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Monday, January 9, 2017

Boys to Men

Dear Bro Jo,

I came across your blog a few days ago and love it! I wish I would have known about it about a year ago when I was going through a hard relationship but I am happy to see the support it gives to all kinds of wonderful young men and woman! Thank you!

So here’s my story/ question.

 I am a 23 year old woman just graduated from BYU-I with a bachelor’s degree.  I had a great time at college, I went on lots of dates, went to lots of social activities and had tons of fun. I did have a few serious relationships but none of them turned out to be the one for me.
I am living at home right now while I did my student teaching and am currently looking for a job. When I started my student teaching in January I also started attending the YSA ward. About a month in I ran into one of my good friends from high school who I haven’t seen since before his mission.

We talked briefly(I was leaving the church as he was coming in for his ward), he got my number and called me later that week inviting me to hang out with him and some other high school friends. It was great!

Now 6 months later I am finding that I really do like this guy. When I find out that he’s hanging out with us or he’s the one planning the get together I get extra excited. (Side note, I’m the only girl most of the times when we hang out, my high school friends and me, we hang out as a group sometimes once a week, sometimes every other weekend. Sometimes I feel like I’m crashing a guy’s night and have either chosen not to go or left the hangout early a few times because of that. During my time here at home 3 of the guys have asked me on a date and I have gone with each one of them.) This young man and I went on a date to the symphony back in February and I loved it. I tried to hint to him that I want to go again or do something just the two of us saying, “What was that song that they played? Oh yeah, you know we really should do that again” and he’d say, “Defiantly!”  or he’d talk about wanting to go to a band performance and I’d say, “I’ll go with you, just ask!” I would also bring up things like, “We should go hiking up the canyon together” and he took that and planned a group get together to go up the canyon.

I did that for quite a few weeks and then I thought maybe he’s not interested in me so I let it go and have just been friends with him but this last week he called me in the middle of the week just to tell me that he found out that the office building he works in is down the street from my dad’s office building, and then when he picked me up to go to a movie this weekend as a group he told me he was happy I was there and that I was a breath of fresh air.

I guess I’m just a little confused, should I be getting my hopes up that he’s going to ask me out again? Or should I just focus on getting to know other guys and getting them to ask me out like I’ve been trying to doing?

Also, I go to all my ward’s activities and try my best to get to know lots of people in the ward but as hard as I try no one from my ward has asked me out. So am I doing something wrong? Is there something more I should be doing? Up at school it wasn't hard for me to get a date and get to know different guys. Is it different now that i'm not in a college setting? Are there new things I should be doing?

Also being at home has caused my mother, and all the other wonderful ladies in my home ward, to feel this need to constantly ask me about my dating life and tell me that they want to set me up on dates with their nephew/friends son. As sweet as it is I am getting tired of it. Is there a way to tell them politely that I don't want them constantly asking me or trying to set me up?

- Happy but Confused




Dear Happy,

It sounds to me like you're dating as if you're still in High School.

It sounds to me like you're still "hanging out" and "going on group dates and activities" when you need to be Serious Single Dating.

Don't waste your time with wishy-washy guys, and stop letting them get away with being such.

If this guy, or any other guy, asks you to go to an event, even if other singles are there, then ask him, straight out, "is this a date?"

If he says no, or that he's just offering you a ride, or anything like that, tell him that you're glad the two of you are clear on that . . . AND THEN GO WITH A GIRLFRIEND OR BY YOURSELF OR WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

You sisters are doing yourselves a serious disservice by allowing the guys your age to continue to act like boys instead of expecting them to be Men; you need to raise the bar.

Yes, it's different now that you're not in college; it's going to be much more difficult to meet guys your age who are in dating mode.  You're surrounded by guys your age that want to "hang out" with women without dating or pressure or any kind of effort or commitment.  They make the excuse that they need to know a girl extremely well before they ask her out, totally forgetting That's What a First Date Is For!

So I think you should stop being bothered by all of these sweet sisters trying to set you up and instead be super grateful and start going out with every boy they suggest.  (Except the scary ones, of course.)

Yes, I think you should date other guys; but no, I'm not saying give up on this one totally.  I just think you need to hold his feet to the fire a little.

Instead of "getting your hopes up" or "being confused", if you're not certain if what he's asking you to do is a date, or if he's ever going to ask you out again, Ask Him!

Communication is very helpful, you know.

- Bro Jo

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