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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Is She Afraid of Compliments?

Dear Bro Jo,

I am 17 and I will be turning 18 in three months, but I have a few problems. One is that the area I live in is large in diameter but has very few young men. In my branch, for example, there are four young men but three of them are too young to be dating, and the one priest is both learning English and not ready to date girls that aren't in his school district.

Our neighboring ward has a few young men that can date, (I wouldn't mind dating younger boys), and I am friends with almost every one of them since I attend their ward when I feel like visiting not only the young men and young women but also the numerous other friends that are married and much older than me, (generally their parents).

Out of the ones there I have asked two of them out and they said yes, but they ended up too busy with school or work or sports, which I understand since this is my senior year.

One of the Young Men did actually ask me out, (I'll call him J). J and I went on several dates, and I became best friends with both him and his sister. J and I ended up getting way too attached and we decided to not go on dates with each other anymore because neither of us wanted anything to happen that would make either of us unworthy of a mission. J and I still communicate via cell phone by texting and calling, but sometimes he will say something like "hey beautiful," when I pick up the phone or "I really miss you" which could be innocent, but the tone in his voice suggests that he misses cuddling, and that bothers me.

Another Issue I have includes the family I live with.

R is a 20 year old female YSA in college, G is a 25 year old female YSA in college, and K is their mother.

Neither of these two ladies, R and G, wish to date for different reasons.

Well a few weeks ago a 20 year old male YSA moved into the area and his grandparents threw him at R, not literally but you probably get the picture.

Then in the middle of that they mentioned G as well, saying that any of K's daughters would be a catch. In the car on the way home they talked about this and I was a little confused, they then proceeded to tell me that it's just demographics.

Then I was told that the reason it hasn't started yet is because of the limited numbers of young men.

Now I am worried that when I turn 18 the older crowd at church, (85% of the branch), is going to start doing that to me every time there is a new YSA in the area. I wouldn't mind more YSA men, or more young men for that matter, but I don't like the idea of being set up by their parents and grandparents.

I guess my questions are

1) How can I get guys to ask me out without seeming desperate? (I’m not too worried about this one)

2) How can I get J to stop saying the things he does that bother me without being rude?

3) Is there any way I can get the older members of my branch to stop what they are doing without bringing attention to the subject and increasing the instances it happens? (this can be directed toward R, G, or I)

Thank you


Name Withheld

Dear NW,

1.  Talk to them.  Showing sincere interest, ask them about themselves.  Learn to flirt.  Don't Hang Out. And, if necessary, tell them they should ask you out.

2.  Tell him that saying those things bothers you.  If he still won't stop you could always choose to not talk to him any longer.  (But between you and me, I think you're off base.)

3.  What?  Stop introducing the three of you to nice, eligible young men?  Why on earth should they stop?  You should be flattered, not offended.


- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for the advice Bro Jo,

I know you mean well for G, R, and I in the answer to number three, but I will keep looking for answers.

And since you don't know the back story of R or G, I understand where you are coming from.

At the moment I feel it would be ill advised for me to share their story since it is a deeply personal one and I don't want to betray their trust by in a way shouting their story to the winds.

If you do know of a way to prevent well minded people to stop that would be great, but if not that is okay too . . . and I have no idea what you mean when you say "I think you're off base" in the answer to question 2

- NW

Dear NW,

I not only mean well, I'm right.  I'm not sure that it matters what their story is.

By off-base I mean that I think it's wrong to be bothered when a nice person compliments you

And, as I said, the only things you can do when people are saying things that bother you are A) ask them to stop, and / or B) ignore them.

Look, I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but the truth often isn't:  I don't think the problem is the nice guy or the well-meaning older folks . . . clearly the problem, dear sister, is you.

It just seems to me like you're pushing away people who are nice to you . . . and it also seems like you've got a passive-aggressive thing going here.  I don't think those are good things.  And I think you'll be happier if you accept that people mean well, and it's okay for people to be nice to you.

If there's no more to go on than what you've told me here, then that all appears to be the truth.

- Bro Jo

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