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Friday, January 13, 2017

Does He Want to Be More Than Friends? - Part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

I want to start off and say that I really like your blog. I have read quite a few of your postings and they are quite enjoyable.

This email may be very long, but please bear with me.

I am 19 years old. I am at my third semester at BYU-Idaho.

I love it here.

I am in sort of a dilemma. I like my best friend.

His name is Jay.

He is wonderful.

He makes me laugh, he is there to listen to me, and he'd do almost anything for me if I asked.

Jay and I have gone on a few group dates together either he asks me or I ask him.

Let me tell you how we met.

He was in my FHE group my first semester. I got to know him as a friend and we got pretty close.

Then I left for a semester because I am Fall/Spring.

I would text him or he would text me at least twice a week to four times.

It would get a little weird at some points because he would send me nerdy pickup lines

(He's a chemistry major) or other cheesy lines via text message.

This confused me a little bit.

I returned back to BYU-Idaho Spring semester.

When I came back it was as if I had never left.

Then things with Jay started to get a little weird.

He would put his head on my lap or rub my back.

I was a confused by this.

At this point I had begun to have feelings for Jay.

After Spring semester, I returned back to California. (Where I am originally from).

In between Spring and Fall semester there is a 7 week break.

Over that break I would either get a text from Jay or talk to him on the phone every day for an hour.

This went on over the whole 7 week break.

Now, we are in Fall semester/present day.

Jay will put his arm around me, cuddle me, rub my back, touch me when he is laying on the couch and I sit next to him.

Jay is one of my really good friends in life.

This might sound cheesy, but I can't picture life without him.

Now this is where things start to get complicated. I have talked to Bob, a good friend of his and this friend is a good friend of mine too.

Bob told me that touching people is Jay's way of communication to others to show that he loves them but Jay doesn't touch anyone else the way he does to me.

The reason I bring it up is because Jay tried to hold my hand last Saturday.

We were watching a movie and we were sitting on the couch and he tried to hold my hand.

He did this for about 15 seconds until I moved my hand away.

This is when things started to get complicated.

I talked to another mutual/good/close friend of ours, Randal, who lived with Jay for 2 years.

He told me that Jay is very timid when it comes to girls. He's never had a girlfriend before.

He also said that I need to be patient with Jay and that I should see if it works out.

The reason I bring this up is because I am not sure about whether or not that I should talk to Jay about it.

I don't know if I should have a DTR in essence.

I have been told not to bring it up to him because he might feel rejected or hurt.

I have also been told that I do need to have a DTR with him. I know that in relationships communication is an important factor in relationships. I also know that he is never going to truly know what I feel or think if I do not tell him.

So my question is:  do I or do I not bring talk to Jay about our relationship?

I honestly feel that we are very compatible and that we have the potential to get married.

Also, Fall semester is soon coming to a close and I will be gone for another 3-4 months.

He is also doing student teaching and will be leaving after Spring semester to go to either graduate school or go teach at a school somewhere.

I just want to figure this part of my life out before it is too late and I may never see him again. In advance, thank you for any advice that you have to give me.


- Sissy

Dear Sissy,

I don't understand:  why did you move your hand away?

And if his friends, the ones who know him well, are recommending the DTR, why are you hesitant to do that?

Jay sounds like a great guy, he likes you, and you like him . . . dare I say that you're falling in love with each other???

And that seems like a very good thing.

Two things I'd add to the excellent advice you've been given:

1.  clearly this man needs some training, so give him some; extend your relationship communication to include inviting him to do things that need to be done (i.e.:  "I think you should ask me out for this weekend", "it would be great if we could go to this dance", "you know, Jay, girls love it when their boyfriends bring them flowers")

2.  I think the two of you need some more "just you" time.  Hang outs and you asking him on dates aren't really good ideas until you're officially a serious couple, and even then you need to continue going on dates - forever - (Sister Jo and I try to go out on dates once a week).  He needs to get more comfortable with you, and while calls and texts have helped him open up a bit, you both need to be having good long talks In Person and with no one else hanging out with you.  Go for walks.  Go ice skating.  Wander down for a hot cocoa.  Simple things that will give you opportunities to know each other better . . . to look into each other's eyes . . . and perhaps give a smooch or two.

Have fun!

- Bro Jo

[Dear Readers,

Part 2 of this post will be published Monday, January 16th.

- Bro Jo]

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