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Friday, March 3, 2017

How Do You Go From "Secretly Smitten" to Dating?

Dear Bro Jo,

So my freshman year of high school I met this guy in my stake.

He was a senior at the time and I was smitten. Four years later and I’m a freshman at BYU and he's returned from serving a faithful mission.

He's been home for almost a year already and every day I find myself liking him even more. We talk quite often on campus and each time I leave just so happy.

Honestly, I REALLY like him.

The only problem is that I've never dated anyone and I've only been on a few dates so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now!

My friends keep telling me that I should ask him on a date but I don't want to embarrass myself. I don't think he would say no, I just don't seem to have the courage to do it.

I'm pretty sure that he's as close to perfect as they come but I just don't know what to do!

Please help!

~Secretly Smitten

Dear Smitten,

Well . . . the first thing you need to do is breathe.  One cannot act rationally if one is not calm.

Secondly, take him off the pedestal.  He's not perfect, and I don't want you to be disappointed or discouraged with you get to know the real guy; infatuation and fantasy cloud our thinking (regardless of how fun they are).

Third, your friends are wrong.  If you ask him out you're going to insult his manhood and possibly scare him away.  Instead, what you need to do is get him to ask you out.  Subtle, perhaps, but much more effective.

Check out "Bro Jo's How a Girl Can Get a Guy to Ask Her on a Date"

You've got to jump from where you are now to letting him know you're romantically interested.

And, know this:  if you don't act, you may always regret it.  Especially when find out he's marrying a girl who made the move you were afraid to make.

Good luck, and keep us posted!

- Bro Jo


Lisa said...

Insult his manhood? If a woman ask a man on a date and that insults his manhood, that is on him not on her. This kind of dating culture needs to change.

Lisa said...

Insulting his manhood? If asking a man on a date is insulting his manhood than he is already insecure.

Bro Jo said...


You're right, it is his issue . . . but the results are her problem.

When a girl asks a guy out for anything other than an event that is clearly and publicly a girl-ask-guy event (like those dances in High School) then he has one of two thoughts:

a) she's desperate (which she probably is)


b) she's easy (which no decent girl want to be thought of, whether it's true or not)

Whether that's on him or her is immaterial, because that's what's out there. I'm not labeling it good or bad, I'm simply telling you what happens.

Should the culture change?

I don't know that I agree with that. On a vary basic level men like to provide and be appreciated and women like to be cherished and protected. One could argue that much of what is wrong socially today is our denial of those inherent qualities.

We're all insecure when it comes to our relationships, Lisa. If you're implying that being insecure makes one a bad person . . . well . . . I don't agree with that, either.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

- Bro Jo

J-Dawg Fluffy said...

Hate to break it to you, but elder Anderson said girls should be unafraid of asking guys out at devotional a few weeks ago at BYU-I

Bro Jo said...

I respect Elder Anderson, but stand by my opinion that girls should not ask guys out unless it's a known girl-ask-guy event.

Perhaps some day he and I will get to talk about it!

And I hate to break it to you, but even with in the Quorum if the Twelve there's not 100% agreement on everything all the time.


Lisa said...

Being insecure does not make you a bad person but being insecure is a bad quality. Insecurity can lead to actions you may regret. I don't think you and I will ever agree on this topic. I think the culture needs to change when it comes to that. If a women really is interested in a men she should be able to ask him out and not be afraid of being called easy and desperate. You are making it a bigger deal than it really is. What do you mean be a men want to provide and be appreciated? Women don't want to feel appreciated?

Bro Jo said...


I was thinking that we might have a better discussion on this topic via email. If you agree, please email me at:

Everyone has bad qualities; I don't know that I would place "insecurity" near the top . . . but I don't think that's the core of our issue here.

For starters, I think you and I might agree more on this topic, or at least it's root, than you may think.

But I agree that our ideas for solving the issue don't align, and I agree that they may never.

I submit that the problem we're both trying to address is "guys and girls going on more dates", with the shared goal that should they date more, they would be more likely to form a Good Eternal Marriage.

Both of us see a need to "shift culture". My hope is that guys will be more proactive in asking girls out and that girls will learn and practice the skill of getting guys to ask them out.

I'm reading that your proposed solution is for girls to do more asking and for both guys and girls to accept that as the "new norm" with no negative connotations.

Have I summarized that fairly and accurately?

- Bro Jo

Lisa said...

Yes you have summarized correctly.