Should She Let Him Kiss Her?

Dear Bro Jo,

My friend shared your blog with me and it has been quite interesting to read.

It was also my friend's idea to write in for advice, which obviously I am taking.

Let me share my situation with you. I am 16 years old.

My story begins when I met this boy who for privacy sake, I will call Johny.

I met Johny at EFY. I had a mild interest in him when we finished off the week. We stayed in contact and our friendship grew, along with our feelings for each other.

Almost a year passed by and we had gone on a couple of dates. We were hanging out and he held my hand. That was about 8 months ago.

We have continued to hangout, go on dates, he has introduced me to his friends, and I have introduced him to mine. Our families have met, and had dinner together. Even our siblings hangout now.

We have gone to stake dances and have just been growing as friends, all the while holding hands on verily often. Needless to say, I enjoy being around him very much. He has become one of my very closest friends, and has helped me become a better person.

But then I think to myself of the Prophet's council to people of my age. I want the best for Johny and I want to be able to serve a mission, and not have issues before that time comes. We are both trying to do what we think is best for us, but it is hard when our feelings get in the way.

We have not kissed, but I do believe Johny has gotten the idea he wants to. I personally can only see myself being comfortable with a kiss on the cheek. So this is where I would very much appreciate your advice.

Should I let Johny kiss me?

Or should I be okay with Johny kissing me on the cheek?

Thank you very much for your time and your advice,

- Sally (Not my real name)




Dear Sally,

You should never kiss anyone, or let them kiss you, if you're uncomfortable with the idea.  Moreover, you should never kiss (or do anything else) with anyone because you feel obligated.

If you want to kiss him, and he wants to kiss you, that can be okay, but keep it simple (no make out sessions).  You may want to check out "Bro Jo's GUIDE to KISSING", specifically the section for teens your age.

(You can also search "kissing" on the Dear Bro Jo website, or click HERE.)

The other thing I think you need to do to keep this "relationship" from becoming too serious too soon (and to make sure both of you stay worthy) is to cut out your alone time together.  Still date and talk and treat each other nicely, but keep all of your dates Casual Group Dates.

And date other guys, too, and don't get jealous when he takes other girls on Casual Group Dates.

Which means that you'll need to talk to him about all of this.  Tell him everything you've told me.  Tell him you're not ready to kiss yet (if that's the case), tell him you really like him, and tell him that you're worried that the two of you are getting too serious too young.  Tell him you still want to date him, but that it's best for you two to keep things Casual.

The sooner you have the talk, the better you'll feel.

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so very much for your advice. I appreciate what you do for youth everywhere.

- Sally




Dear Sally,

Thank you for the kind words!

- Bro Jo

She Doesn't Want Him to Like Her "In That Way" Now That He's a Missionary

Dear Bro Jo,

    It's me again! I might not use my usual pseudonym for this issue, since many of my friends know who I am now... But anyway, I want to get your insights on this issue.

    I think you know this, but I'll give brief background information anyway. I'm an 18-turning-19-year-old female freshman at BYU-Provo. I'm about to submit my mission papers with plans to leave right after this semester.

   Well, this is slightly unrelated, but maybe some of my younger sisters out there in the LDS universe could use this message of hope- college dating is FANTASTIC! I've been asked out and gone on fun dates with guys from my ward, guys from classes and old friends in just the couple of semesters I've been here. I think I went on a grand total of two dates the year I turned 16, so the 5-10 guys I've gone on dates with, and multiple dates with some of them, has been quite the dramatic contrast! I love the atmosphere here. I never could have imagined in high school how much more awesome college is.

   That being said, if you had asked in high school which was worse, liking someone who didn't like you back or being liked by someone you don't like, I'd have answered the former every time. However, now I'm not so sure.

    Towards the end of winter semester, literally within the last month of it, I started going on dates with a guy a friend from my home stake introduced me too... Let's call him "Clarence." Apparently he had asked her to set us up after seeing me talking to her sometime. That's pretty flattering! So we went on an initial date and it went really well. He's nice, smart, attractive, pretty funny and a total gentleman (he always followed the plan, pick-up and pay rules). After that, he contacted me to set up more dates pretty frequently. Like, getting lunch together multiple times a week.

      Sounds great right? Here's the thing. He had his mission call and report date, and was leaving right at the end of the winter semester. We talked about missions on our very first date, so I knew that, and assumed we had the mutual understanding that given how briefly we'd be interacting, no serious ties or feelings would be developed. Dates would just be two people enjoying one another's company and getting to know each other better, nothing more. I guess it was a mistake to *assume* anything.

     Anyway, Clarence continued to ask me out on dates, and I continued to accept. Why not? I enjoyed them, I liked talking to him, I didn't see any problems with continuing to go on the dates, which were still for the most part pretty fun, creative and casual (although they weren't casual group dates- which I guess for a couple of pre-missionaries would have been smarter). It became clear somewhat quickly though that he was developing stronger feelings for me than I had for him. He started waiting for me after work and eventually asked me in an elaborate (and adorable) way to the Christmas dance his dorms were having. Then he was holding my hand... and giving me goodnight kisses... we had basically turned into a couple without my being fully aware of it. And we went to the Christmas dance, and it was great, and I didn't mind continuing to date him for a couple more weeks, I did like him though not as much as he liked me and figured there was no compelling reason to break things off in an untidy way when our relationship would sever of natural causes within a couple of weeks anyway.

   Ah. I feel dumb, and mean, and callous now though... He got really emotional when we said goodbye before we parted ways and called and e-mailed me over winter break, which I did my best to answer in as platonic a way as possible. I hoped that once he got out in the mission field he would totally forget me and get into the work and everything would be fine. He requested that I write him letters and I have been... He hasn't forgotten me. Last week he hinted that he'd be sending me a Valentine's Day package and I straight up told him not to, that he's a missionary and should be allocating his limited resources for his own purposes. In the response I got back he said he'd respect my wishes but asked if he could send chocolates as an early birthday present next week instead, before he leaves the MTC for the country he's serving in, where sending packages would be much more difficult. I don't want him to send me anything! Not that I don't love the concept of receiving chocolates in general, that sounds great, but I really don't think he should be focusing on anything but missionary work! The other troubling thing is that he has referenced a couple of times in his letters things he's planning on us doing in two years when we're both back. I do not consider myself a missionary girlfriend, and I hope he doesn't consider me that. I'm not planning on waiting, or counting on dating anyone after my mission.

   So here is the real point of this e-mail, after all that back story (which you can feel free to condense for the sake of the blog. Sorry it's so long). What is the kindest way for me to communicate to Elder Clarence that I'm not his girlfriend and get him to focus on being a missionary? I don't think a "Dear John" would do it because we were never officially dating and that seems pretty harsh. Should I casually mention dates with other guys in my letters- would that kind of subtle hinting do the trick? I know you favor being direct and forthcoming and I wish I had been more like that earlier... But what is the nicest way to get him to stop thinking about me? I didn't mean to be a distraction or something but I'm worried that I am. I should definitely *not* let him send me anything right?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

- Kicking Herself




Dear KH,

I think the easiest, and in this case the best, thing to do is to back your communication with this Elder WAY down.  If he did send you a Valentine, say thank you, nonchalantly as part of a letter . . . sometime in mid-March.

Like writing any other missionary, help him to focus on the work by that being all that you talk about in your letters.  When (and if) he sends letters whining about home or missing you or stuff like that, you can begin to craft your response right away if it helps, but keep your responses to mission life.

For example:

If he writes "I can't stop thinking about you" you ignore that in your letter and instead ask "what are the people like where you're serving?"

If he says "I hope you'll still be available for me to date when I get back" in your letter you write "what is your companion like, and who are you teaching right now?"

And, again, keep the letters infrequent.  Regardless of how much he writes you.  Monthly is about as often as you should write anyway, and it doesn't matter how many letters he sends.  And if you feel that less than monthly is appropriate, there's nothing wrong with that.

There's great power, future missionary, in answering the questions we hope someone had asked instead of what they say.  It applies to teaching the Gospel, too, you know.

- Bro Jo

Why Does She Feel this Way?

Hey Bro Jo,

I have written to you a few times over the years because sometimes it's just nice to get an outside perception of things. I'm probably one of your older readers, but still learning and growing in my dating life. I think last time I wrote to you I was nearly engaged, clearly that didn't work. (Which was a good thing).

I am writing today because I have been dating a wonderful guy for about a month, and we are at a bit of a crossroads... Do we take our relationship to the next level and become more serious or break up?

I thought I knew what I wanted, but now that I'm faced with this decision I'm very confused. My feelings keep going back and forth, one minute I feel like I'm all in and the next I feel like I want to end it.

A little about him, we have been friends for a while and I convinced him to give us a try, he's younger (he's 24, I'm 28) and a little immature when it comes to dating, because he hasn't done much. He's done with school and trying to find a good job. He's a great man, strong in this church, kind, no pornography issues, treats me well, attractive, willing to do anything for anyone, and just overall good! He is just what I would ask for. However he is slightly immature, and in some ways we are very different which annoys me at times. Like when we are at ward activities and other public things I am quiet and reserved while he says whatever comes to mind, and is a little loud and mire the center of attention. He can also be slightly socially awkward at times.

We communicate extremely well, and can talk about pretty much anything. I even talked to him about the social awkwardness. I know that I am someone who can become annoyed at things a little too easily at times, and am not perfect at all.

I guess I just can't figure out where the feeling of wanting to back away is coming from, is it fear, is it that this is out of my comfort zone, is it from Heavenly Father telling me this isn't the right thing to pursue, is it Satan trying to prevent a good thing from happening, is it me just being slightly embarrassed by him? I really can't seem to figure it out and I was hoping for some advice.... How do I figure out my feelings and press forward in the way that I should?

- Confused




Dear Confused,

One month is pretty early in a relationship to think you're at a crossroads.

If you don't like the guy, if he's a loser, breakup and move on.

Otherwise I say keep dating him until you either

A) realize you want to marry him (and, by the way, we keep dating our spouses even after we've married)

or

B) find someone you're MORE interested in.

You say he's a good man and actively looking for employment.

Remember where fear comes from and who it is that wants you to NOT get married for Time and All Eternity.

AND, by the way, if you're going to put off marriage until you find a man that never embarrasses you . . . well, you're going to be single for a long, LONG time.

- Bro Jo

He's Hunting for an Eternal Companion

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey, I was wondering if you have some advice for a first time steady dater.  Or rather a guy considering it.

I’ve done some dating here and there but not a lot and not often.  I’d really appreciate some general dating tips and steady dating pointers.  If you’ve already got some articles, I’d love the links.

Thanks,

Jet




Dear Jet,

I've written about this a lot, actually.  If you go to the Blog Page and click on the topic Serious Single Dating you'll be linked to those posts.

There are also several Notes on our Facebook page that you might find helpful, like:

Bro Jo’s YSA DATING DO’S AND DON’TS

In general I'll tell you two things :

1.  If you're pre-mission, don't bother.   You should be Casual Group Dating until you've put in your papers, and then you should really not be dating at all until you come home.  There are links and resources on Casual Group Dating both on the blog page and the Facebook page.

2. In my analysis I see guys who are supposed to be "Dating with a Purpose" adopt one of three techniques:  Archery Dating, Shotgun Dating, or Rifle Dating.

Archery Daters sit around, forever.  IF they're out there, in the stand, at all, they keep hoping that the perfect target will walk by.  They Wait and Watch as plenty of Good, even Great, targets come and go, doing nothing.  They keep saying to themselves "sure, that's a good one, but I bet if I wait long enough a better one will come along".  When a target they're in love with finally does come into view, they're often too intimidated to take a shot.  They've had no practice.  When they do finally fire they often miss, only to find themselves waiting again, often regretting having not shot at any of the great targets that came by earlier.  Now, every Great Target that comes by will be compared to the one that got away.

Shotgun Daters shoot at everything.  They're hoping if they get enough pellets in the air one of them is bound to find the mark they're hoping for.  The problem is that they never spend enough ammo (think "time and effort") on any one target to ever truly be successful.  Sure they might pull down the occasional flighty bird once in a while, but if they're after big game all they're going to do with all of this shooting is scare it away.  Big Game hears all of the shooting and shies away.

Rifle Daters are different.  They're focused.  They're willing to do some walking.  They get to where they see the whole herd, pick out the one they like best, and take aim.  Focusing on that one Great Target they give it their best shot.  Effort and focus.  If they give it an earnest shot, maybe two or three, and things don't work out, they look for the next target to focus on.  They might stop aiming for a short while to survey the field, but they don't go back home and sit around and complain about how they never filled their tag.

(There are some guys that THINK they're Rifle Daters, but they're Truck Hunters.  They never get out of their vehicle, never make enough effort.  If they see a quality target and can't get it with an easy shot they'll drive on to the next field.  Too bad, too.  They could have had a lot of success . . . if only they were a little more aware of their situation and a lot less lazy.)

A Good Hunter does his homework.  He knows how to call a target.  He knows how to dress for the occasion.  He prepares, he spends the time, he practices and he never gives up.


That said, I hope two things:

A.  That true hunters don't take the analogy as a knock on one style of hunting or another.

B.  That none of you men are dumb enough to treat a woman like a slab of meat, or that you'd just leave an acquired target rotting on the forest floor.

- Bro Jo

She's Looking for an Eternal Companion

Dear Bro Jo,

Ever since I have returned early from my mission, the next step Heavenly Father would like me to take is towards marriage.

Which the funny thing is, I don't even have a boyfriend.

Literally every guy I have tried to date was a complete fail, no potential at all.

Some to name a few: friend zoned me, wanted to leave the Church, told me I was the one then friend zoned me, less active, or just straight up rejected me.

I have now been actively seeking for priesthood worthy guy who loves the gospel as much as I do.

Some dates are great but then the vulnerability fear haunts me. I get afraid and find any and all reasons not to like them.

I guess the ultimate question is, how do I go about seeking out someone without fear of getting hurt?

Thanks-

K.




Dear K,

Contrary to what the world teaches, marriage isn't about love.  Or sex.  Or getting along all of the time.

It's about Trust.

As for failure . . . the reality is (hopefully) that every relationship you get into (or attempt) will be a failure until you find someone you'll marry.  And those failures can be quite educational!

Think about that.

(Did you know that Sister Jo and I broke up a couple times while we were dating?  True story.  We're two outspoken, opinionated, ornery people.  What we realized was that no matter how mad we got at each other, at the end of the day we still loved each other so much that there was no one else we'd rather be around.)

Be Patient with this process.  Keep dating.  Stop putting all of this pressure on yourself to get married.  Instead, focus on dates as being a great chance to get to know people better . . . and perhaps do some hand-holding . . . and a little kissing every now and then.

There are actually hundreds of thousands of single worthy young priesthood holders out there in your age range.  Good Guys who work hard and will appreciate you.

As you slow down, worry less about the timeline, you'll find one you can Trust.  The key part of "boyfriend" is "friend".  You'll open up to him.  He'll open up to you.  The trust will go both ways.

Yes, along the way to finding this man you will likely find a few men that you Think you can Trust, only to discover that you can't.

And it will hurt.

That's all part of the process.

As an SRM you know that nothing great in life comes without hard work and that it involves some risk.  The think is, K, that the hurting is worth the risk because the reward is so great!

One last thing about all of this:  while I want you to find a man that loves and cherishes you, that honors his priesthood and works hard at everything he needs to do, I need you to be a little realistic.

A Good Marriage does not mean that there are never sad times, never frustrations, never fights, never disappointments.  If you insist on finding that in a boyfriend, you'll either never get married or be very upset when reality sets in.

A Good Marriage is about finding someone that you love and enough to be willing to work through those things, and that you trust will love you enough to work through them, too.

Relax.

Have fun.

Find yourself constantly in service to others and the Lord.

And it will all work out.

- Bro Jo

Long Distance Relationships with Those in the Military - Part 2

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for the quick reply! You told me exactly what I wanted to hear. I honestly did a little jig around my room out of happiness.

But then I thought for a while.

What if he really likes this girl? He wants to be a good boyfriend, but he's obviously failing (I'm not too unhappy about this). He knows I'm leaving, so starting something with me would only mean a tampered relationship with this other young lady. Is he using her as a backup plan?

Trust me, I want to kiss him!

That is highly desirable. In a way, I feel like I might be overly revealing in my affections toward him. I openly compliment him in my admiration toward his foundation in the gospel, and drive for life. Another problem though..he thinks I engage in this kind of conversation with every attractive young man, and that I'm just using flattery to get guys to like me, and in a sense he might be right. I do like to be liked. I'll admit to my vanity, but I also genuinely like different aspects of different people, and take conscience notice. But me being physically attracted to someone, liking an aspect about them, and complimenting them doesn't mean I like them, correct? Is that taken as flirting?

I feel like everyone starts in the same field, but eventually you weed out the ones that aren't worth your time. Have I skewed my own reputation with the young man I have feelings for? I'm okay with dating him without physical contact. A kiss means different things to different people. Personally, many of my opinions match yours, but again they are my own.

Should I be asking him about this other girl?

Am I the backup plan?

I honestly don't feel like it, but I'm not ruling it out of the realm of possibilities.

Should I pin him into answering my questions about his intentions? Should this be one of those "it's up to you, whatever you'd like" kind of deals?

I still think kissing would be a great option, one I'm not opposed to, but is that the best one? Do you have an opinion on this? QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS.

I assume that you are against long distance relationships, as am I. I believe the terminology "being together" should be taken in a literal sense.

I feel like I'm piling all of this onto you as if you somehow have all the answers. MAYBE YOU DO? And if not anything, I hold your opinion in high regard. I've only visited your blog a handful of times, and I've certainly never written you, but today I am glad that I did.


Appreciative,

- Still Pseudonymless




Dear Pseudonymless

I don't have all the answers, just lots of opinions.  And I'm not "against" long distance relationships, I just don't think they work without a marriage-level commitment. ..at least not very often.

I think you deserve answers to your questions...I just think you're asking the wrong guy.

The person you should be asking if you're a backup plan, if you're just someone to flirt with because he's lonely, if he sees the same possibilities here that you do, if this is nothing or could be something,  if kissing should happen, is him ... this guy you're kind of dating.

So go talk to him.  Soon.

Make sure you have gum.

Just in case.

Oh, and my advice here is to be practical and pragmatic. I don't want you to become the girl he uses for kissing because he knows he doesn't have to commit to her and she comes across as desperate and willing.

You're worth more than that.

- Bro Jo

Long Distance Relationships with Those in the Military - Part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

So thus entails great details, maybe my questions can't be answered, perhaps they can, and advice would be greatly appreciated.

I recently began attending the YSA branch in my area, a military community . My father is in the military, as well as the majority of the men (youngish men in the branch. A young convert introduced himself to me the first Sunday. A very handsome, 20 year-old. We've attended activities (FHE, YSA camp-out, Institute, dinner with our YSA group) together, exchanged numbers, seen each other outside and spent alone time talking.

I like him.

He seems to like me (he's eluded to it, to an extent), all the correct signs, enjoys my company, thinks I'm nice to look at, we share similar views, being military/service oriented. There are so many things I love about him - his testimony, his curiosity, desire, and drive to continue learning about the gospel, his dedication to the church after only being a convert of a little over a year, his personality and humor, how he wants to continue to develop himself all-around, and respect for women. I feel really close to him, for such a short period of knowing him (3 weeks), I even asked him for a blessing, being that my father is gone to Afghanistan. He said he would love to, but he does not hold the Melchizedek priesthood yet. He's temple worthy and so strong in the gospel. We are very alike in our endeavors, beliefs, and faith. He's been nothing but a perfect example of what an eternal companion should look and behave like.

To an outsider it may seem like we're dating.

Here is the big problem. He is in a long distance relationship with a girl who helped introduce him to the gospel. Not only that, but I am leaving for college in 5 weeks, more specifically a Church school. I feel like I've developed feelings for him way too fast. Like, I can picture being married in the temple to him. Is that bad? Should I just write it off? Go to college and try to forget about his beautiful and inspiring spirit?

Also, he's a soldier with no car, only a bicycle, living in barracks. I've given him rides to activities, and I know that's a big no-no in your book, but our branch is so small, and our area is so big I don't mind doing it. I trust him enough to drive my car, so when we drove an hour away, alone together to a YSA campout, I let him drive the entirety of the ride. My mom preferred this as well, being that the insurance is paid by her and my father. If I give him rides, he's in general the one who drives, and he also gives me gas money. A few other soldiers without cars have done this as well.

I love spending time with him, and it seems to be mutual. I feel like I've been able to share my faith with him. He's also come to my workplace, a pool on the military post, and I've helped him improve his swimming. I have two jobs in aquatics, one on post - lifeguarding, the other through the YMCA teaching and coaching swimming. I've been to his barracks in between jobs, met his roommate, ate lunch with him. I've showed him my favorite temple, changed it to background on his laptop screen. I've taught him chords on the ukulele, and let him borrow mine. He plays the piano so marvelously and we sat together playing/singing after a church activity once. He'll open the door for me, give me hugs (short ones) goodnight. Text me to make sure I'm safely home.

I guess the predicament is that we're close friends, and because I don't believe in close friends, we're possibly "in-like" with each other. I feel bad, because he IS in a relationship, and he'll mention it periodically. It's like we're casually dating without the title. Is this bad? He's never told me how serious his relationship with this girl, just that I shouldn't do certain things (like grab him around his side playfully, because he feels bad). Also that them being apart is like mini-trial for their future relationship, to see if it will work out. Am I being to open? I don't really know what I'm doing, just that I know I like him and wish to continue spending time with him. He hasn't obliged. I feel a little bit like if I wasn't leaving for college he would end it with his girlfriend (from Texas) to pursue me, but then I feel like that's arrogance in me? I don't know anything about this young lady. Obviously she must be fantastic to be dating such a phenomenal young man.

I want to know your opinion on long-distance relationships? I myself could not stand for one, but what happens when summer rolls around next year? Should I try to stay in contact with him throughout the year? What if I do really like him? I just want an outsider opinion.

Also, I wanted to know what your opinion on young military men and serving missions? He doesn't get out of the military for another 5 years, does that mean he should wait until he's 27, after a mission, to be married?

What kind of questions should I ask him to clear these mixed signals? Is he "cheating" by being friends with me? I personally don't believe that the title boyfriend/girlfriend is a huge commitment, but I know many people do. I want to respect that if he does, but how do I do so? Leave him alone, and admire him from a distance? Stop sitting near him in Sunday school? (actually he came in late and sat by me last Sunday) Bro Jo, internet friend, do you have advice to offer? Your advice will probably lead to more questions on my part, so be prepared.

Also...if this is something you wish to publish, could I possibly approve beforehand? I feel like I gave many specific details, and someone could easily figure out my identity.

With Sincerity,

- Lacking a good Pseudonym




Dear Pseudonym,

There's nothing wrong with how you feel about this guy.  He's a Good Guy, and seems very nice.

I'm not a huge fan of teen girls and guys alone in a car, but you're adults, so I don't see that as a problem.  Parking for the sole purpose of sexually exciting yourselves and each other, yes that's wrong; but going for long drives?  I think that can be a Great Date!

(Tangent:  YSA co-ed overnighters, including camping trips, IMHO are incredibly naive.)

Not that he asked me (or you it sounds like), but given the timing of his conversion and his previous commitment to the military, I don't see a mission in this young man's future.  And I think that's perfectly okay.

And no, I don't think he should wait until he's out of the military to get married, either.

Now, I don't know if you're both just lonely, but it sounds to me like you're dating.  No commitment, but you're clearly a couple.  Without any kissing or holding hands, does that mean he's "cheating" on the other girl?  Well . . . yeah, it does.  Consider:  if he was married to her, wouldn't what the two of you are doing be "cheating"?  Of course it would.  Any wife with any amount of brain would be pretty darned upset if she saw her husband spending the alone time with a girl that this guy is spending with you.

Does that mean that I think you should back off?

Heck no!

Why?

Because he's NOT married.  Or engaged.  And she's not anywhere around.

Heck.  I think you should stop pretending and just kiss the guy already.

THAT'S sure one way to know if you're going to handle being apart.  Right now there's nothing to "wait around" for.  Up the stakes a little and you'll know for sure.

Summer Fling or the Beginnings of Something Eternal?

Time is running out.  You two better figure this out.

But, while there's no such thing as only one person out there for each of us, Great Relationships are Rare.  Especially for Young People.

- Bro Jo

Transitioning to YSA

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi Bro Jo!

First, I must say that I really love reading your page and have learned a lot from the advice you post.

So, I'm in a situation that is probably similar to many other people my age right now; I'm a senior girl in high school preparing to go off to college next year and fully immerse myself in the YSA social and dating scene.

However, the boys in my stake are not the best at getting group dates together, so I haven't really been on any.  I was wondering if you had any tips for transitioning more smoothly from high school group dating to the single dating that YSA should be doing, when I haven't really even done any group dating before?

Thanks a lot for your time and help!

- In Transition




Dear In Transition,

I ain't gonna lie:  it's going to be a touch more difficult for you than those that dated a bit.

The first thing I'd like you to do, please, is read the riot act to your Stake and Ward Priesthood leaders.  It's their responsibility to teach these young men how to date and that each of you young women deserves a few chances to be taken out.  If you've been active, going to Church Dances, being friendly and fun, looking and doing your best, and if they were doing their job, then you should have had a few dates.

Secondly, teach the younger sisters that you're leaving behind what they could do better than you did.  Tell them to host movie parties and game nights, teach them the value of talking to the guys - In A Nice Way - and testify to them of the value of Casual Group Dating.  Tell them that their insistence on "having a boyfriend" is driving Good Guys away and limiting their dating opportunities.

You're not alone; too many great girls never get the dating experience in high school that they should.  We need a major culture shift, and I think it's going to take a long time.

Now, as for you:  despite everything I wrote above, don't freak out.  Some of the most amazing women date little or not at all in high school, and they've turned out fine.

Like anything in life, look back at your experiences and use them to improve on the next go.


Here's a Quick List:

Bro Jo's THINGS a GIRL CAN DO to GET MORE DATES as a YSA

1.  Put yourself out there.  Go to everything, pursue your interests, be involved.  It doesn't matter really which clubs or activities you enjoy, but do stuff.  Get involved.  Meet people.

2.  Show genuine interest in other people.  Yes, of course, guys, but girls too; you never know when some girl is going to say "you're so nice, you should date my brother!"  The key to that is to Listen to other people when you talk to them.  Ask people about themselves and take an interest in what they have to say

3.  Be domestic and girly.  Don't change who you are, but understand that Guys (in general) like girls that are, well, girls.  Especially Church Guys.  If you don't know the tricks to Good Makeup, Clothing and Perfume, figure them out.  Learn how to make one heck of a cake, cookie or brownie if you don't already, and be prepared to randomly give treats you make to guys that you want to have take you out.  My apologies to the neo-nazi-woman-hating-"feminists" out there, but this stuff works.

4.  Date every halfway decent guy that asks.  You want to be known as the nice girl that is open to dating, not the snob that no one can get dates with.

5.  Don't be a buddy.  No guys over at your place, and you don't hang out at theirs.  Heck, make it a habit not to "hang out" at all.  Guys are for dating, not for hanging out with.  And you need to know this:  guys are lazy by nature.  Even the hard-working ones.  Guys are the ones that invented drive-throughs, fast food, and the TV remote.  If he can have you delivered to his place to watch a video with him while his rear-end is still on the sofa, there's no need for him to ever invite you to go anywhere.

6.  Do the best you can with what you've got.  Always try to be the "best you" you can be.  Pajamas, and that includes sweats, shouldn't be worn outside your home.  Not even to the gym.  Change into gym clothes while you're there, then shower do your hair and makeup and get dressed nice before you leave to go home.  Too many of your sisters are blowing it because they have an attitude of "I don't care how I look" (What the heck is this thing with the nasty "jeggings" and sloppy bun???); if you don't care how you look, then no one else will either.  And that's bad.



There's more, but you get the idea.

Have fun!

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you!

I guess in our area it is harder to date because everyone in the stake lives so far apart, but you're right the guys should be asking more.

Actually, recently I had an experience that proves what you said about getting casual get-togethers planned. I organized a group of friends, boys and girls, to go bowling together. A couple weeks after we started planning it, I got asked on a date by one of the boys in the group! Also, I totally plan on being involved next year, and I think it will really help.

Thanks again for your advice and I'll definitely work on implementing it more!

- Excited for the future




Dear Excited!

Good for you!

I'm glad to hear that the Activity Setup thing worked for you.  Keep it up!  And hopefully others will learn from your example.

- Bro Jo