Dear Bro Jo,
So thus entails great details, maybe my questions can't be answered, perhaps they can, and advice would be greatly appreciated.
I recently began attending the YSA branch in my area, a military community . My father is in the military, as well as the majority of the men (youngish men in the branch. A young convert introduced himself to me the first Sunday. A very handsome, 20 year-old. We've attended activities (FHE, YSA camp-out, Institute, dinner with our YSA group) together, exchanged numbers, seen each other outside and spent alone time talking.
I like him.
He seems to like me (he's eluded to it, to an extent), all the correct signs, enjoys my company, thinks I'm nice to look at, we share similar views, being military/service oriented. There are so many things I love about him - his testimony, his curiosity, desire, and drive to continue learning about the gospel, his dedication to the church after only being a convert of a little over a year, his personality and humor, how he wants to continue to develop himself all-around, and respect for women. I feel really close to him, for such a short period of knowing him (3 weeks), I even asked him for a blessing, being that my father is gone to Afghanistan. He said he would love to, but he does not hold the Melchizedek priesthood yet. He's temple worthy and so strong in the gospel. We are very alike in our endeavors, beliefs, and faith. He's been nothing but a perfect example of what an eternal companion should look and behave like.
To an outsider it may seem like we're dating.
Here is the big problem. He is in a long distance relationship with a girl who helped introduce him to the gospel. Not only that, but I am leaving for college in 5 weeks, more specifically a Church school. I feel like I've developed feelings for him way too fast. Like, I can picture being married in the temple to him. Is that bad? Should I just write it off? Go to college and try to forget about his beautiful and inspiring spirit?
Also, he's a soldier with no car, only a bicycle, living in barracks. I've given him rides to activities, and I know that's a big no-no in your book, but our branch is so small, and our area is so big I don't mind doing it. I trust him enough to drive my car, so when we drove an hour away, alone together to a YSA campout, I let him drive the entirety of the ride. My mom preferred this as well, being that the insurance is paid by her and my father. If I give him rides, he's in general the one who drives, and he also gives me gas money. A few other soldiers without cars have done this as well.
I love spending time with him, and it seems to be mutual. I feel like I've been able to share my faith with him. He's also come to my workplace, a pool on the military post, and I've helped him improve his swimming. I have two jobs in aquatics, one on post - lifeguarding, the other through the YMCA teaching and coaching swimming. I've been to his barracks in between jobs, met his roommate, ate lunch with him. I've showed him my favorite temple, changed it to background on his laptop screen. I've taught him chords on the ukulele, and let him borrow mine. He plays the piano so marvelously and we sat together playing/singing after a church activity once. He'll open the door for me, give me hugs (short ones) goodnight. Text me to make sure I'm safely home.
I guess the predicament is that we're close friends, and because I don't believe in close friends, we're possibly "in-like" with each other. I feel bad, because he IS in a relationship, and he'll mention it periodically. It's like we're casually dating without the title. Is this bad? He's never told me how serious his relationship with this girl, just that I shouldn't do certain things (like grab him around his side playfully, because he feels bad). Also that them being apart is like mini-trial for their future relationship, to see if it will work out. Am I being to open? I don't really know what I'm doing, just that I know I like him and wish to continue spending time with him. He hasn't obliged. I feel a little bit like if I wasn't leaving for college he would end it with his girlfriend (from Texas) to pursue me, but then I feel like that's arrogance in me? I don't know anything about this young lady. Obviously she must be fantastic to be dating such a phenomenal young man.
I want to know your opinion on long-distance relationships? I myself could not stand for one, but what happens when summer rolls around next year? Should I try to stay in contact with him throughout the year? What if I do really like him? I just want an outsider opinion.
Also, I wanted to know what your opinion on young military men and serving missions? He doesn't get out of the military for another 5 years, does that mean he should wait until he's 27, after a mission, to be married?
What kind of questions should I ask him to clear these mixed signals? Is he "cheating" by being friends with me? I personally don't believe that the title boyfriend/girlfriend is a huge commitment, but I know many people do. I want to respect that if he does, but how do I do so? Leave him alone, and admire him from a distance? Stop sitting near him in Sunday school? (actually he came in late and sat by me last Sunday) Bro Jo, internet friend, do you have advice to offer? Your advice will probably lead to more questions on my part, so be prepared.
Also...if this is something you wish to publish, could I possibly approve beforehand? I feel like I gave many specific details, and someone could easily figure out my identity.
With Sincerity,
- Lacking a good Pseudonym
Dear Pseudonym,
There's nothing wrong with how you feel about this guy. He's a Good Guy, and seems very nice.
I'm not a huge fan of teen girls and guys alone in a car, but you're adults, so I don't see that as a problem. Parking for the sole purpose of sexually exciting yourselves and each other, yes that's wrong; but going for long drives? I think that can be a Great Date!
(Tangent: YSA co-ed overnighters, including camping trips, IMHO are incredibly naive.)
Not that he asked me (or you it sounds like), but given the timing of his conversion and his previous commitment to the military, I don't see a mission in this young man's future. And I think that's perfectly okay.
And no, I don't think he should wait until he's out of the military to get married, either.
Now, I don't know if you're both just lonely, but it sounds to me like you're dating. No commitment, but you're clearly a couple. Without any kissing or holding hands, does that mean he's "cheating" on the other girl? Well . . . yeah, it does. Consider: if he was married to her, wouldn't what the two of you are doing be "cheating"? Of course it would. Any wife with any amount of brain would be pretty darned upset if she saw her husband spending the alone time with a girl that this guy is spending with you.
Does that mean that I think you should back off?
Heck no!
Why?
Because he's NOT married. Or engaged. And she's not anywhere around.
Heck. I think you should stop pretending and just kiss the guy already.
THAT'S sure one way to know if you're going to handle being apart. Right now there's nothing to "wait around" for. Up the stakes a little and you'll know for sure.
Summer Fling or the Beginnings of Something Eternal?
Time is running out. You two better figure this out.
But, while there's no such thing as only one person out there for each of us, Great Relationships are Rare. Especially for Young People.
- Bro Jo
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