She Doesn't Want Him to Like Her "In That Way" Now That He's a Missionary

Dear Bro Jo,

    It's me again! I might not use my usual pseudonym for this issue, since many of my friends know who I am now... But anyway, I want to get your insights on this issue.

    I think you know this, but I'll give brief background information anyway. I'm an 18-turning-19-year-old female freshman at BYU-Provo. I'm about to submit my mission papers with plans to leave right after this semester.

   Well, this is slightly unrelated, but maybe some of my younger sisters out there in the LDS universe could use this message of hope- college dating is FANTASTIC! I've been asked out and gone on fun dates with guys from my ward, guys from classes and old friends in just the couple of semesters I've been here. I think I went on a grand total of two dates the year I turned 16, so the 5-10 guys I've gone on dates with, and multiple dates with some of them, has been quite the dramatic contrast! I love the atmosphere here. I never could have imagined in high school how much more awesome college is.

   That being said, if you had asked in high school which was worse, liking someone who didn't like you back or being liked by someone you don't like, I'd have answered the former every time. However, now I'm not so sure.

    Towards the end of winter semester, literally within the last month of it, I started going on dates with a guy a friend from my home stake introduced me too... Let's call him "Clarence." Apparently he had asked her to set us up after seeing me talking to her sometime. That's pretty flattering! So we went on an initial date and it went really well. He's nice, smart, attractive, pretty funny and a total gentleman (he always followed the plan, pick-up and pay rules). After that, he contacted me to set up more dates pretty frequently. Like, getting lunch together multiple times a week.

      Sounds great right? Here's the thing. He had his mission call and report date, and was leaving right at the end of the winter semester. We talked about missions on our very first date, so I knew that, and assumed we had the mutual understanding that given how briefly we'd be interacting, no serious ties or feelings would be developed. Dates would just be two people enjoying one another's company and getting to know each other better, nothing more. I guess it was a mistake to *assume* anything.

     Anyway, Clarence continued to ask me out on dates, and I continued to accept. Why not? I enjoyed them, I liked talking to him, I didn't see any problems with continuing to go on the dates, which were still for the most part pretty fun, creative and casual (although they weren't casual group dates- which I guess for a couple of pre-missionaries would have been smarter). It became clear somewhat quickly though that he was developing stronger feelings for me than I had for him. He started waiting for me after work and eventually asked me in an elaborate (and adorable) way to the Christmas dance his dorms were having. Then he was holding my hand... and giving me goodnight kisses... we had basically turned into a couple without my being fully aware of it. And we went to the Christmas dance, and it was great, and I didn't mind continuing to date him for a couple more weeks, I did like him though not as much as he liked me and figured there was no compelling reason to break things off in an untidy way when our relationship would sever of natural causes within a couple of weeks anyway.

   Ah. I feel dumb, and mean, and callous now though... He got really emotional when we said goodbye before we parted ways and called and e-mailed me over winter break, which I did my best to answer in as platonic a way as possible. I hoped that once he got out in the mission field he would totally forget me and get into the work and everything would be fine. He requested that I write him letters and I have been... He hasn't forgotten me. Last week he hinted that he'd be sending me a Valentine's Day package and I straight up told him not to, that he's a missionary and should be allocating his limited resources for his own purposes. In the response I got back he said he'd respect my wishes but asked if he could send chocolates as an early birthday present next week instead, before he leaves the MTC for the country he's serving in, where sending packages would be much more difficult. I don't want him to send me anything! Not that I don't love the concept of receiving chocolates in general, that sounds great, but I really don't think he should be focusing on anything but missionary work! The other troubling thing is that he has referenced a couple of times in his letters things he's planning on us doing in two years when we're both back. I do not consider myself a missionary girlfriend, and I hope he doesn't consider me that. I'm not planning on waiting, or counting on dating anyone after my mission.

   So here is the real point of this e-mail, after all that back story (which you can feel free to condense for the sake of the blog. Sorry it's so long). What is the kindest way for me to communicate to Elder Clarence that I'm not his girlfriend and get him to focus on being a missionary? I don't think a "Dear John" would do it because we were never officially dating and that seems pretty harsh. Should I casually mention dates with other guys in my letters- would that kind of subtle hinting do the trick? I know you favor being direct and forthcoming and I wish I had been more like that earlier... But what is the nicest way to get him to stop thinking about me? I didn't mean to be a distraction or something but I'm worried that I am. I should definitely *not* let him send me anything right?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

- Kicking Herself




Dear KH,

I think the easiest, and in this case the best, thing to do is to back your communication with this Elder WAY down.  If he did send you a Valentine, say thank you, nonchalantly as part of a letter . . . sometime in mid-March.

Like writing any other missionary, help him to focus on the work by that being all that you talk about in your letters.  When (and if) he sends letters whining about home or missing you or stuff like that, you can begin to craft your response right away if it helps, but keep your responses to mission life.

For example:

If he writes "I can't stop thinking about you" you ignore that in your letter and instead ask "what are the people like where you're serving?"

If he says "I hope you'll still be available for me to date when I get back" in your letter you write "what is your companion like, and who are you teaching right now?"

And, again, keep the letters infrequent.  Regardless of how much he writes you.  Monthly is about as often as you should write anyway, and it doesn't matter how many letters he sends.  And if you feel that less than monthly is appropriate, there's nothing wrong with that.

There's great power, future missionary, in answering the questions we hope someone had asked instead of what they say.  It applies to teaching the Gospel, too, you know.

- Bro Jo