When Someone is Using You

Dear Bro Jo,

    I am coming to you today for advise because I'm have a hard time deciding on a plan of action. Here is some background on my situation. When I was in my senior year of high school I really had strong feelings for a young man let’s call him "Sam" who held very different beliefs than I did. I found out that he did not have feelings for me. With some very poor judgement I agreed to be in a "friends with benefits" situation this young man though had much higher expectations about what a "friends with benefits" relationship entailed and I think because of my own temptation, my desire to be close to him, and my insecurity. I made some mistakes, mistakes that really scared me emotionally because I had let myself be used, in fact I had chosen to be used instead of moving on. He eventually ended the relationship because I was getting too attached. I was left broken. I had shut my beliefs and my conscience (the Holy Ghost) to the back of my mind. It made myself numb to guilt and pain for quite a while. It took a whole lot for me to pull myself together. I did though, I eventually talked to my Bishop and got everything worked out.

    I am very embarrassed to say that I am a female with a very high physical temptation. It's not something talked about very often and most of the time talks about pornography and masturbation are saved for the young men and young adults in the church. I've had a very hard time because I am very tempted. It makes me very sad and I am so very hard on myself when I make a mistake because I have a testimony I really do, but I'm afraid that I will never be strong enough to be pure. I'm afraid that I have ruined my mind. I have talked to my bishop and sometimes I get it under control for a while, but it something that I can never let my guard down on. As soon I do I make a mistake again.

At this point I'm afraid to date even because I know that if physical, I will be so tempted to take it further.

    Recently I have come into contact with Sam. It has been two and a half years since we graduated high school. Through this time we have always remain friends, though not always close friends.

In April Sam was broken up with by his girlfriend of two years. He was crushed. Just completely heart broken, insecure, and lonely. Although I was dating someone at the time I did take the time to talk to him and try to help him through this tough time.

We became close.

After I broke up with my boyfriend due to his mission we became even closer. I feel like in a whole lot of ways he needs me to be there for him. The problem is that there is always a temptation with him. I know him well and I know he is an extremely physical person with very different standards. I had hoped that I could be strong, but I fell to temptation with him. In a lot ways its the same thing because Sam doesn't have romantic feelings towards me and I don't think I have them for him either.

     At this point I am hurt and so sorrowful because I sinned against God who I know is the most important. 

I feel empty.

I know that to repent I need to talk to my Bishop and I will. I guess my real question is, should I remain in contact with this person?

He is such a huge part of my life right now, not always a positive part, but also not always a negative part. I love him and care about so much as a friend and I don't want to abandon him in his time of need.

He is my best friend, but he makes it harder for me to resists the temptations in my life. In fact he is a huge temptation for me.

I know that he would be hurt if I cut contact with him. It is my hope that one day I will be strong enough to be an example for Sam, but my weaknesses have yet to become my strengths.

Any advice Bro Jo?

- Confused and Broken




Dear Confused,

Oh boy.

Little Sister . . . you have so much more value than you seem to think you do.

Because I care, I'm going to be very, very honest with you.

“Sam” is not your friend.  He does not care about you.  He doesn't love you.

All you are to him is someone he can use physically to make himself feel better.

He doesn't love you.  He can't.  He doesn't respect you.  You can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.

Your entire relationship with Sam is centered around him feeling better and you feeling worse.

It's sometimes hard for us to know what to do because we're in so deep.  Not being able to see the forest for the trees sort of a thing.

What I'm saying is . . .

You need to cut him out of your life.  Entirely.

He's a cancer.

Think of it this way:  in order for us to heal we need to stop hurting ourselves.  You can't heal the burn on your hand if you won't stop touching the stove.

Do talk to your Bishop right away.

And, seriously, consider please getting some counseling as well.  It just seems to me that you have some lack-of-self-esteem stuff going on you need to overcome.

You need to realize that you are a beautiful, wonderful, daughter of God, and as such are awesome!

No man can ever prove that to be true, nor take it away.

I know that as you work to mend your relationship with the Savior you'll feel better. 

And I really feel that cutting Sam out of your life, cleanly and right away, is essential to starting down that road.

(And, remember:  because of the Savior and the Atonement, we're never totally "broken'!)

- Bro Jo