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Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Full Repentance - Part 2

[Readers,  this is Part 2 in a 3-part series that started on Wednesday, September 19th, and will run three Wednesdays in a row.  You can jump to the first part by clicking HERE.  - Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

Yup. I see what you're talking about there at the end.

Of course I have some worldly sorrow along with the Godly sorrow.

I know it should be set aside if I do truly want to be made clean through the atonement. But, is it crazy of me to be worried to be kicked out of college? (I am college age, by the way.)

Does that make me less ready for repentance? In all honestly, and I may clarify-- I was definitely more straight forward about the situation than I was with you. And I believe I did understand what he was telling me, I just didn't understand why he didn't think it was as serious as I have grown up to believe.

I apologize for how it was written, by the way.

But I thank you for your time taking an attempt at it anyways, it helped. But just to clarify, with 2 and 4, do you think that the bishop when I was 14 had more of a problem with it because it was bad for a 14 year old but not as shocking when I went back when I was 19 simply because I was older and more expected?

Or possibly when I got to my college bishop he just didn't see it as serious as I did, perhaps because In college he may have dealt with more "bishop confession" worthy situations?

Or am I just completely clueless here?

And even if that's the case, you mentioned that a repeated sin isn't a repented sin no matter the level, I agree, but does that mean that I'm dealing an even bigger problem than I had originally thought?

Reality checks are welcome.

Thank you again for your time, and clarification. I really do want to get it taken care of Fully, and I believe understanding can really help me get where I need to.

- Little Sister

Dear Little Sister,

Okay, (name withheld), help me help you. Just exactly what did you do?

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Okayyyy, so clearly I was hoping you didn't have to know in order to help. But I do want the help. You just need this times happenings, right? I made out passionately with a guy I had just met.

And then again with someone else a couple weeks later.

And when I say passionately I mean,, it got pretty heated. Like, rolling around getting quite into it (dry humping and such). And it went on for a really long time period (not like X amount of times in X amount of months but rather hours (possibly, it seemed like it) all at once), like to the point that it was getting really old and not enjoyable and I realized it needed to stop.

And he did feel me up; I removed his hand but by then it had already happened.

And yeah. Hopefully that's enough info.

- Little Sister

Dear Little Sister,

Um, yeah. That's enough info.

So this happened when you were 14, and now has happened recently with two different guys, including one you had just met, within a couple weeks?

And you told you Bishop all of this?

And as kind of a side, but related, note - WHY do you think this is part of your behavior?

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

K, good, cause that's what there is to tell.

And yes. That is correct.

Except for one more detail change.

In addition to the 14 year old occasion and the recent time with the two different guys not that far apart from one another, there was one other time my first year of college.

I go to a church school(BYU-I), by the way.

I don't know if that's relevant or not, but that's where the bishop kind of just wrote it off.

When I was 14 he instructed me to do more to come to repentance. And the past two guys is where I'm at now, not having went to a bishop because of the last time I did where he made it seem like I didn't need to go to him about it. So no, the two most recent ones have not been told to my bishop, just the previous times when I was in my first year of college and when I was 14 have.

And as response to your side question - I have no idea.

I've tried to figure it out.

For a while people thought maybe just because it makes me feel loved for a split second.

I don't know that I believe that to be my reasoning though. But I honestly have no clue.

It could be.

But could that still be the case even though I Know I'm loved by so many people when I Don't do those things, including the Lord?!

I don't know though, it doesn't make sense based on what I know to be true.

Clearly my actions are not lined up with my beliefs.

I know it's wrong, and quite honestly I don't really enjoy making these mistakes, even during, it's not the right way and Instantly makes me feel gross.

Honestly though, I do think that I have a problem with not wanting to disappoint people, these guys to be exact. (And of the reasoning as to why for That I don't know either. I myself even find it crazy that I care so much about these guys who clearly don't have much respect for me.)

So I have a hard time saying no, even when I know I should (Side note- when I was 14 that Absolutely terrified me. I went home and took a shower and just stayed in there until I was done crying. I was in there a while.) And I still allowed it to happen. I want to make them happy.

I find joy in knowing that others are happy. I just haven't figured out how to do that without putting My Eternal happiness on the line.

- Little Sister

P.S. Do You have any thoughts as to why it has been part of my behavior, Bro Jo?

Dear Little Sister,

Okay. The clarification on the timing helps.

I honestly don't know if dry humping and getting felt up is enough to lose your ecclesiastical endorsement for school. Somehow I don't think it is, but I'm not sure.

But let me ask you this: if it is enough to get kicked out of the Y of I, or placed on some kind of probation, isn't that better than to continue going through life lying to your Bishop about your worthiness and not coming to full repentance?

My guess is that Bishop #2 thought it was an isolated incident and that you were repentant. And I'm sure it was (as far as you knew at the time) and you were truly remorseful. So that makes sense. It also makes sense that you were hoping for some kind of "punishment" as a way to help alleviate your guilt.

And perhaps that's one reason why you've "relapsed", if you will. Despite your fear of being removed from school, you still feel guilty and feel like you need to be disciplined in some way.

Maybe you do.

And maybe that's all just pop-psychology garbage.

To me the bigger issue is the one you uncovered in your last email: your belief that its okay for a guy to use you to gratify himself, regardless of how it makes you feel, so long as he's happy . . . or at least (as you perceive it) "not disappointed".

You have more value than that.

You need to understand that no man will love you if he doesn't respect you, and you don't respect people that let you use them.

As a Daughter of God you’re worth more.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

I think it's important to remember too that - especially if these boys are LDS too - maybe they feel as terrible afterwords as you do. In which case your reasoning of 'making them happy' needs a little paradigm shift.

Laura said...

I have the same mentality that you have. I feel like I need to please people, and if somebody us upset with me or something I have done, or just not happy, I take that upon myself. Beat myself up, or take on more than I should. In some ways this can be good, but it has landed me into trouble in the past.

In doing some personal reflection recently, I remembered that I personally have never thought of myself as beautiful, despite what everybody tells me. It's kind of the anorexic mind-setting (they are skinny but see themselves as fat). A guy once was told me "you're beautiful" over and over again, and he would step things up a notch physically after saying that. I was so confused with my own emotions. I liked hearing I was beautiful, and frankly, kissing is fun! But I was afraid to say "stop" because I knew it would upset him to stop, and I also felt the need to keep being told I'm beautiful. It was all just insecurity.

That may or may not be the core of your problem, as it was for me.
But do know that you are beautiful, and you don't need heavy physical contact with a guy to know that is true. Heavenly Father sees you as his beautiful daughter who he loves more than you can understand.

Anonymous said...

Dear Bro Jo,

these emails were from me... years ago!

I just returned from an honorable, full-time mission.

Can you believe it? The gospel truly does change lives!

Of course I found myself back on your sight, and just came across these posts.

I am grateful to have been able to read them again... and compare them to where I am now... it reminds me how beautiful the Atonement of Jesus Christ is (:

Thank you for being so bold with me (in this case) and with everyone (in all cases) for that matter.

Obviously I knew what I needed to do... I am just grateful for someone to tell it like it is to help validate, encourage, and support.

I have found that Priesthood leaders are always different, however, God is the same yesterday today and forever. Thus, repentance is always going to be the way to go. No matter what it takes.

I suppose that I just wanted to post and thank you... but more importantly, remind everyone (including myself. I've always been one of those people who when they type out or speak their thoughts, they become more clear) that repentance is possible, change is possible(He can even help transform our desires!), that the Atonement is very real!

I know that it is because of Christ that I was able to serve a mission and do what I love- share this knowledge with those around me. These experiences sunk deep into my bones and I was able to bear with a sure witness that Jesus is the Christ, here to save. (That being said, I do believe that people can and do have that same surety without sinning majorly like I. But, that is how it happened for me... so I just choose to be grateful that I at least learned from it.) I also know that it is because of Him that I was able to stay on a mission, as there is where I experienced the enabling power of the Atonement.

Anyways, thanks again for your help to so many who you've never even met. We are all very grateful to have support out there like you who take their commitment to serve others and help bear burdens so seriously.

Well, I could go on forever. Just... thanks for allowing yourself to be an effective instrument in the Lord's hands, being lead by the Spirit. I know you were with me, all those years ago.

Sincerely, Little Sister.

P.S. I'm obviously not saying I'm perfect now... I am far from. I still have many of the same temptations, but I do know that when we rely on Christ and only care what He thinks... it will be a-whole-lot easier to act accordingly.

Bro Jo said...

Dear Little Sister,

What a wonderful follow-up post!

Very happy for and about you.

Thank you for sharing.

God bless,

- Bro Jo