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Monday, November 26, 2012

Can a Victim of Rape and Abuse Ever Trust Enough to Find Love? - Part 2

[Dear Readers,

The writer in this series has endured some pretty bad experiences with guys.  So bad, that one can understand why she has trust issues and why those issues have her concerned that she may never meet a man she trusts enough to marry.  So she starts by asking what will be the Eternal Consequences for her if she doesn't get married in this life.

But the emails reveal other concerns as well.

Below is Part 2.

Part 3 will post next Monday.

Please keep your comments sensitive to her situation and experiences.

- Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you.

It helps to have a better understanding of that Gospel principle.

Of course I told someone other than you about the rape. I couldn't have told you that if others didn't know. No offense.

And about the other guy, we were in a big wave pool and he was behind me. It was crowded so his hand was on my shoulder. I didn't think anything of it I just assumed he didn't want to lose me in the crowd.

He got a little closer to me and his hand slipped off my shoulder and down the front of my suit.

No, I didn't slap him.

I know everyone says that’s what you should do but I couldn't.

I can't hit people, even though what he did was very wrong I couldn't hurt him.

I just went into shock.

Moved his hand and left. I'll try to keep dating it just takes time to get over but I will go when I'm ready.

And ya, I have rotten luck with guys but, to be quite honest, Good Guys are hard to find now these days.

I know they're out there but it sure seems like every guy has only one thing on their mind.

And it's sad.

But I figure why date them if they can't respect me?

I would just be repeating history.

And it's true this world is becoming a disgusting place and women aren't proving themselves very well either.

But I feel like good, righteous women are much easier to find then righteous men.

Sorry for my rant.

But I appreciate you getting back to me.

So thank you.

- Name Withheld

Dear Little Sister,

No offense taken; you might be surprised at just how many letters I get from people who have serious problems, or suffered serious abuse, and never told anyone.

Did the guy whose hand slipped ever try to contact you and apologize?

Is there any chance it was an accident?

I mean, I know it happens, but to intentionally cop a feel in a crowded place is not the kind of thing most people would do.  Plus, like you said, it was crowded and he "slipped".

I'm not here to defend him, but I believe most people are basically Good.  I disagree with you that "Good Guys are hard to find"; I think it's quite the opposite . . . IF you're looking in the right places.

And isn't it possible he was just as mortified as you were?

Don't take this wrong, but (to be candid) a lot of guys frankly couldn't distinguish between a shoulder and a breast.  Seriously.  I know that sounds weird, but I know a guy who sang in a Show Choir I was in who spent a whole number thinking he had his arm around a girl's shoulder (as was the choreography) only to learn when we all saw the video that he had reached around her shoulder and been holding her boob the entire number.

He was horrified!

(And, rightfully, so was she.  Although I think she recovered much quicker than he did . . .)

Look, he may have been a total jerk, but isn't it also possible that this moment was tainted by your previous experience?

What was his reaction to your reaction?

Now, even if it was an accident, you needed to stand up for and defend yourself.

I'm not an advocate of using violence to solve all problems, but there are times when force may be necessary to protect yourself.

Seriously, no joke: take a self-defense class.

Better yet, have one as a Young Women's activity; there are lots of people and organizations that will come and teach basic defense techniques to your group for free, and I'll be you're not the only one who could benefit from such a class.

(I personally think Self-defense classes need to happen twice a year in EVERY YW group, world wide.)

You should never go on a date with a guy that scares you, but believe me: there's a lot more Good Guys in this world than Bad Guys. I'm sure, given time, you'll find one.

You have every right to be jaded, but hang in there.

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's true (the a lot of guys can't distinguish between shoulders and boobs comment). I have similar show choir stories. One guy I dated was particularly bad. It happened many times, and between the mortification on his face and just knowing what kind of person he is, I was 100% sure it was a complete accident. When/if things like that happen, calmly inform him, and don't make it a big deal (trust me, he's beating himself up on the inside). Whether it's choreography or a date, consider suggesting his hand kind of quickly brush across your back first to guide it to your actual shoulder rather than just blindly plopping it down.