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Monday, November 5, 2012

Roommate Drama and Flakey Guys at the Y of I

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm a freshman at BYU-Idaho.

First the background info: On Facebook there's this group for "BYU-Idaho" freshman. And, before any of us actually got here we started adding each other and talking to each other.

A lot of the friends I hang out with now I first met on the Facebook freshman group. It's been a useful tool. So, my roommate (not the one in my actual room but across the hall from me.). I'll call her 'A'.

'A' ended up inviting this guy from the FB group to an art show.

The entire time she thought it was a date and he didn't. After the show they came back to the dorm room and I ended up talking to this guy, (we'll call him Tyler). For a long time.

I didn't realize until afterwards that I was sort of dominating the conversation. But he didn't seem to mind and at the end of the night before he left he said it was the most fun he had in a long time and he said directly to me that I reminded him of friends from back home and that he could see us getting along.

That night on Facebook he made a post "Had fun with 'A', 'B' (me), 'C' (a third roommate), and the other roommate...." (whose name he didn't remember.) Is it awful of me to think that because he listed me 2nd he must have had an enjoyable time talking with me?

So, fast forward a few weeks. We decide to have a Harry Potter movie night. And, Tyler gets invited.

So, Tyler goes and sits on the couch and 'A' sits next to him. And she spent the entire movie says things like "This is a scary movie, I need a hug." "I wish I had someone to hug me right now" "I sure wish I had someone to snuggle with" and such things. It was really freaking annoying.

So, Tyler gets annoyed. And, he gets off the couch and sits next to me on the floor and we end up joking around etc. So, 'A' then decides to sit on the ground too.

So, she asks me to move over and smooshes in-between the 2 of us. He didn't see this movie thing as a date. And, when he left he waved us all goodbye etc.

So, later he texts my other roommate "Does 'A' like me? I'd hate to give her the wrong message." sorta thing.

I suppose he ended up talking to her but I'm not sure. I just know they don't spend any time together.

So, I made this post on Facebook about a writing event coming up and he ended up saying he wanted to do it as well etc. and sent me this message on Facebook about he wanted us to become friends etc. So, this girl said she'd drive me up to the meetings. I invited him to come along with us and invited to make him dinner since we were leaving right after his last class ended.

So, he said he wanted to come, said he was excited etc. And then the day of he tells me he can't because he has to do auditions for this Men's choir thing.

No big deal.

A bit bummed but no big deal.

And then the next meeting he says he wants to come again.

So, I'm all "Oh okay. Sounds good etc." and he cancelled again because he had to go to this seminar thing. So, yesterday he messaged me saying he wants to go to tomorrow’s meeting.

Him: "Hey can I come along with you tomorrow to the meeting?"

Me: "I suppose so. I assumed you quit."

Him: "No! I have been soooo busy the past few days . . . haven't been able to write at all, so I am looking forward to it"

Me: "If you plan on cancelling or anything, just shoot me a Facebook message"

Him: "Okay! I will not make any plans for that night!"

Do you think he got my point?

At this point I'm not even sure I want to be friends with someone who can't keep their commitments.

- Y of I Sister

Dear I Sister,


Tough time keeping all of this straight . . . but I think I've got it. (Talk about unnecessary drama!)

Let me see . . . what's the right way to say this . . . STOP HANGING OUT!!!

Wow! What is wrong at the Y of I?!?

Are you buddies?

Is everyone related??

Movie parties . . . carpools . . . plans that seem like dates, but aren't dates, but one of the people thinks they're on a date . . . My head is spinning!

1. You're not in YM/YW anymore. Stop having Co-Ed movie nights and treating each other like you're all siblings.

2. Stop with all the Facebook chats and texting. If you need to / want to talk to someone . . . ACTUALLY TALK TO THEM! Technology loses too much information; face to face is the way to communicate.

3. Stop imaging relationships that don't actually exist. 'A' isn't in a relationship, Tyler isn't in a relationship, and neither are you. Being listed 2nd means nothing. Especially with this "too busy" or "too flakey" guy. 

4. We have no control over your roommate, but promise me that you'll never act so desperate for love that you smother any guy close to you. Even if he did like her, and he may have, and even if (big IF) she didn't kill it by spending time with him without clarifying whether or not that was a date, the possessiveness killed it for sure.

5. You and your roommates need to have an out in the open discussion about how you're going to handle boys that the others like. Is every guy who hasn't committed fair game? Or is any guy who just asked one of you out off limits until four weeks after the last date with him? Find something you can agree on.

6. No more boys over to your house unless their picking someone up, and even then they stay at the doorstep. If you don't define location boundaries, they'll never understand the relationship boundaries.

I don't mean to be too harsh, but I do want to impress upon you that things are, well . . . different now. 

Oh . . . and you know what?  He might not be flakey.  He might just be too nice and shy to tell all of you girls  that you're all over him and he's not interested and needs some space but he appreciates you being nice.

Welcome to college!

 - Bro Jo


Christopher Cunningham said...

Let your home teachers in though.

Dave Johnston said...

If they're there together to Home Teach, dressed like missionaries and with an appointment and a message, then yes.

If they're there to hang out . . . no.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

It's foolish to advice that men and women shouldn't do anything together that isn't a date. No wonder you have tons of guys and girls here who are terrible at understanding each other! "hmm, I wonder what girls are like? How about I ask one on a date and find out! ...hmm, she's weird, I feel weird around her, now she doesn't want to talk after that date, MAN women are from another planet!" Keep promoting guys away from girls and you'll get more groups of all guys or all girls together complaining about how the opposite gender is evil. You can get to know someone on a date by what they say when they interact directly with you. You can learn even more about them by BOTH dates AND seeing them in situations outside of that. The way someone behaves on a date is different than how they normally behave, and when you form a life with that person they'll behave like they do outside of dates more than what they do in actual dates. Just like most communication is nonverbal as opposed to verbal, you can learn and get to know SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS about people outside of a date. I suggest that YSA's both date AND have friends of the opposite sex and have the best of both.

Dave Johnston said...

@ Anonymous -

It WOULD be foolish . . . of course, that's not what I said. Nor is it what I've ever said.

Please pay attention. You might learn something.

- Bro Jo