Things to know

Regularly read by 50,000+ readers in over 140 countries around the world, "Dear Bro Jo" is published several times a month.

This is column is just one guy's opinion, and while he does his best to keep what he thinks, says and writes in-line with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, "Dear Bro Jo" is not an LDS Church website. (And Sister Jo thinks you should know that he's sometimes wrong, and often way too opinionated for his own good.)

Nothing here is meant to take the place of talking with parents, leaders, or Church authorities. Please, if you need serious help, talk to a trusted adult, leader, and / or professional counselor.

Please like our Facebook page, and check it often for Discussions, Notes, Events and just General Good Stuff!

Everything here is copyrighted. If you're going to quote any part of anything here, please get Bro Jo's written permission. You can reach him at

Friday, November 30, 2012

When Your Buddies Have No Interest in Dating

Dear Bro Jo,

I've been sixteen for about 4 months and have gone on a total of about 4 dates.

My problem isn't that I don't want to date, because I really really want to!

The problem is that my friends have no desire to date!

All my friends are LDS and are sixteen or older as well, and they just have no strong desire to go on group dates.

We hang out all the time, and we have a lot of fun together as just guys.

At school we hardly ever see each other though, and it's not really seen publicly in our school that we're all really good friends.

We all come from different backgrounds as well.

One of my friends is more into the theatrical and singing group in the school; one of my friends is into just about everything and is super funny; and the others are heavily involved in sports like lacrosse and basketball.

I am way into the sports scene as well running cross country, track, and being a triathlete, but I'm sorry to say I don't really have any really close friends outside these LDS group of guys in my ward.

I was in the "popular" group as a freshman with all the stud freshman football and basketball players but I decided to separate myself from that group because of their issues with drugs and alcohol leading into sophomore year.

Now the problem I'm faced with is that I want to date all these girls in my school, but the only one's that I want to date are in the "popular" scene as well.

The classes that I'm in are super rigorous and the girls in those classes aren't exactly the kind of girls I want to go on dates with.

I have girls though, that I know pretty well from Church activities and Stake Dances, and I know they'll go on a date with me but I want it to be a group date!

And my friends aren't exactly willing to find a girl to go out with.

They think that getting a group of girls together that don't even know each other will be awkward and just won't work out.

I agree with them too, I think that getting girls together that don't even know each other at all will be super awkward!

I've talked to my parents about what I should do, but they haven't provided any good insight. I've fasted and prayed too for help with my dating situation because I really feel and want to start dating!!!

I need your advice Bro Jo.  I need help on getting to know more girls that I don't have classes with and on getting my friends together to have group dates!

We sure talk a lot about getting all these girls that we could date when we hang out as guys, but we never put it into action!


Needing a Buddy

Dear Buddy,

First of all, four dates in your first four months of being 16 is pretty darn good!  The goal is a date a month, and you're right on track.

But when it comes to struggling to get your pals to be good dating buddies, you're not alone. Even the Jo Boys have from time to time struggled to find a good dating buddy.

(A house full of brothers who have a testimony of dating is no guarantee; brothers can be busy with stuff.)

So there are three things you can do.

1. Widen your circle of friends. There's a lot of Good Guys out there who aren't members of the Church (yet); guys who aren't doing drugs and drinking alcohol. The Jo Boys have found that some of their best Dating Buddies, and best friends, are non-member guys. You may also find that you're doing a little missionary work.

2. Focus on just one Church Buddy. Rather than deal with the challenge of getting a bunch of guys to buy in, pick one. Preferably one who isn't afraid of girls. Maybe even try to solicit help from his siblings and parents.

3. Take a step back. Set up some movie parties and game nights at your house. As they guys and girls become more comfortable with each other, they'll be more open to dating. Have patience and be positive.

And you're wrong about a couple things:

A)  Getting together on a Group Date with a bunch of girls you hardly know need not be "super awkward"; if you have the right attitude it can be a lot of fun to get to know new people

and B) you shouldn't limit your dating to just the "popular" girls; there are some great girls out there that are tons of fun and may not come with all of the "popular group drama"; don't limit your options to just one social click at school; don't be so shallow.

Don't give up.

Happy Dating,

- Bro Jo

PS:  Maybe you can have some success pointing out to your brethren that Casual Group Dating is great missionary prep . . . it is, by the way.  That's one of the reasons you're supposed to do it.


Anonymous said...

Whoa, Bro Jo's right. Correct me if I'm wrong, but were you implying that the girls in your classes are unsuitable dates because they're on the academic side?! A big thing I've learned towards the end of high school is that, a LOT of the people you meet in school (friendshipwise and datewise) are completely different outside of class. Since I don't really fit into this category, it took me a long time to understand, but most of the kids who seem super awkward/shy/antisocial/weird in a class of 30 people are actually completely awesome and confident when in small casual groups.

I DARE you to take one of these girls out on a date. Don't even pay attention to the cover of the book, just go read the first page. Ya know what I'm sayin'?

In regards to your wingman issue, another idea is to see if you can find some more buddies in the stake, especially if the stake boundaries aren't huge. And regardless of what you do about the girls at school, once you've got your wingmen, you're golden. Don't worry about "what if they don't want to", just ask those stake girls.

Best of luck! It is so great that you are all excited about group dating (hehe, Bro Jo gets quite a few e-mails about the opposite, I think I was once one of them). Good luck, and have FUN!!

mama cheese said...

Seriously, dude, you really feel like girls in super-rigorous classes aren't exactly the ones you want to go on dates with?

I could write a whole blog post on the fair daughters of Zion who intentionally conceal their intelligence because so many guys automatically equate "smart" with "ugly."

Oh, wait...I already did.

Mama Cheese

Anonymous said...

The writers who posted before me: don't be so critical of the guy. He's only 16 for crying out loud!! Be happy he wants to go on dates as many guys his age don't want to. So what if he only wants to ask out the girls he thinks are cute for now? Are you sad because maybe you weren't/aren't cute and you have the same problem where guys dIdn't/don't ask you out?? Some guys like smart girls, some guys don't. Some guys like mature girls, some guys don't. Some guys like physically attractive guys, some guys don't. It is what it is. Guys' tastes in girls may also change with time. I'm sure this young man will experience some changes in his taste in women as he matures. Let him date the cute popular girls if he wants. If he enjoys being around them then good for him! If he doesn't like being around them then the experience he gains will help him branch out to dating different girls! He said he no longer hangs around the sport jocks because of the bad things he's seen, so he sounds like he has his head on properly and he'll make good choices.

Way to be an example my friend!