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Monday, December 3, 2012

Can a Victim of Rape and Abuse Ever Trust Enough to Find Love? - Part 3

[Dear Readers,

The writer in this series has endured some pretty bad experiences with guys.  So bad, that one can understand why she has trust issues and why those issues have her concerned that she may never meet a man she trusts enough to marry.  So she starts by asking what will be the Eternal Consequences for her if she doesn't get married in this life.

But the emails reveal other concerns as well.

Below is Part 3.

Part 4 will post next Monday.

Please keep your comments sensitive to her situation and experiences.

- Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry it took so long to reply.

Yes, I understand, and it's always good to check.

And I appreciate that.


No he never apologized.

To my understanding It wasn't an accident.

As I left he yelled, "Its not that big of a deal" and it surprised me because I thought he was better than that or I never would have gone in a date with him.


I took a self-defense class a while ago and I hated it.

I don't like physically injuring others in anyway.

I know that there are times that its most definitely necessary, but for some reason I can't physically hurt a person, animal, or in the self-defense classes sake a mannequin.

I guess I feel like if I fight back something worse will happen.

I would rather if I can just walk/run away.

But also I don't want them to feel the physical pain like they caused me to have.

The emotional turmoil they've caused for themselves is enough for me.

And I know that sounds twisted but that's the best I can explain it.

And it's true, it's my fault I've become a victim but like the primary song says "I'm trying to be like Jesus, I'm following in his way, I'm learning to love as he did in all that I do and say" I know there are times that you need to fight back but I can't remember any place on the scriptures where Christ fights the people who beat him.

And for me violence brings hate and it makes it that much harder for me to forgive someone as well as myself because I am filled with so much hate and despair. And bad things will happen to us.

It's life.

But heavenly father has done a pretty good job of making sure I get out of situations safely and as long as I have my faith in him I know things will be ok.

I apologize if that sounds twisted or weird but I guess that's just how I feel.

Is that wrong of me?

Is it bad that I just take it then walk away?

I apologize of this makes no sense at all.

I appreciate your help.

You and Sister Jo.

- Name Withheld

Dear Little Sister,

You've caused me to think of two things.

The first is the old joke where there's a flood and a minister is trapped in the church. Do you know the joke?

The second is that you totally miss the point of defense.

Whether it’s yourself or another person, there's nothing "Christ-like" in doing nothing while harm is done to you or another.

 Your body is your temple, and you have a moral obligation to do your best from keeping it from being defiled; if you have the ability to prevent harm from coming to another and do nothing, you're as guilty as the person who's harming them.

By failing to stand up for yourself you let these guys get away with their behavior and put the next girl in jeopardy.

You're not just allowing yourself to be victimized, your allowing the next person to be victimized, too.

I pray that if you were ever walking down the street and saw someone assaulting a child that you wouldn't "turn the other cheek" and walk away.

As far as we know, Christ didn't get into fist fights during his mortal existence, but he did violently throw the money changers out of the Temple and he often stood up against violence to others (remember the woman who was about to be stoned to death).

And you need to also recall that the mortal Jesus is the Old Testament Jehovah -same guy - and he often reacted with force against those that would harm the innocent.

Jerks who attack, grab, fondle, and abuse women aren't feeling any "emotional turmoil".

What you're expressing isn't "twisted" . . . you're just . . . wrong.

I promise you, if I ever saw a man mishandling you, or any other girl, I'd make him stop, one way or the other, with no remorse whatsoever.

You don't owe me any apologies . . . but I am concerned about your state of mind; know this: being attacked or abused is not the fault of the victim.

You keep acting like things are your fault, and that, Little Sister, IS bad.

Candidly, I think you need to talk to someone professionally about your abuse and the guilt you feel.


Your Bishop can direct you to a professional counselor.

- Bro Jo


Laura said...

The 2,000 stripling warriors.
Ammon and all of those arms he chopped off.
Nephi slaying Laban.
Basically the latter half of the Book of Alma.
Prophets defend what is holy.
Like what Bro Jo said, your body is a temple. It is holy.

Christ did not have to physically fight back, especially not while he was tortured and slain on the cross. He was not supposed to. Otherwise that would defeat the purpose of the atonement, which is another thing that you should embrace, along with getting help, as Bro Jo suggested.

Anonymous said...

I was abused by my older brother from third grade until I was a freshman in high school. I kept it a secret until after I was married in the temple and told my husband. My parents dismissed it and never confronted my brother who they still have a wonderful relationship with. After over twenty years of an abusive marriage I walked away and realized that I married what I was use to and comfortable with. Abuse! I know that with the Lords help and atonement we will be able to love and trust and allow someone to love us back. My prayers and love go to anyone reading this as we all try to heal together
name witheld

Anonymous said...

The atonement is not only for sin, Christ felt all of our pains. A bishop can help you fully use the power of the atonement and that is how you can trust again, love and find an eternal companion with whom you can share those sacred intimate experiences that are a God given blessing.