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Monday, December 10, 2012

Can a Victim of Rape and Abuse Ever Trust Enough to Find Love? - Part 4

[Dear Readers,

The writer in this series has endured some pretty bad experiences with guys.  So bad, that one can understand why she has trust issues and why those issues have her concerned that she may never meet a man she trusts enough to marry.  So she starts by asking what will be the Eternal Consequences for her if she doesn't get married in this life.

But the emails reveal other concerns as well.

Below is Part 4.  

Part 5 will post next Monday.

Please keep your comments sensitive to her situation and experiences.

 - Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

I apologize it’s taken me so long to reply.

I took an internship out of the country and didn’t have access to my email.

Which I think, in a way, has been a good thing because it has allowed me to maul things over.

You’re right. I am wrong.

No I wouldn’t turn the other cheek if I witnessed someone else being abused.

But I don’t know if I could go gouge their eyes out or something like that to defend the other person.

That being said, I haven’t yet witnessed that, I’ve only experienced it, so I couldn’t tell you how I would react.

You’re correct; I do believe things are my fault.

But you have to understand the mindset behind it.

If I had listened to the Holy Ghost the night I was raped it would not have happened.

And I can’t tell you how much I wish I had listened and not blown it off, maybe I believed it was just my mind and me thinking.

But to be honest with you that’s just an excuse.

If I had listened, it would not have happened and that Brother Johnson is my fault.

The choice of those brethren that night was awful and has caused me much emotional turmoil and distortion but if I had made a better choice, it would be different.

I agree, maybe seeing a professional couldn’t hurt.

But I do not trust my Bishop.

You have to first understand, I belong to a Deaf ward even though I am hearing. I love deaf culture, I really do.

However, Deaf culture is very different from hearing culture. It’s much more open. Everyone knows everything about everyone. That’s just how the culture is.

Deaf people do not trust hearing people, and with my experience things that I had confided in the Bishop previously had gotten out, and the deaf community was aware of the situation, even though it wasn’t anything bad at all, it still made me feel uneasy about ever confiding in him again.

He is called of God and I do believe that, his counsel is from God, but because of culture he is more open to discussion at the dinner table.

(PS, I know it was him who told members of the ward because he apologized to me later.)

As for a psychologist, I’m worried that they care more about getting paid then helping me.

My opinion.

You have to understand, this is a subject that is really, really difficult to talk about to someone. Even emailing you causes me some anxiety due to flashbacks.

So along with trust problems I guess I’m just afraid.

Yes, I have told someone, but it’s hard.

And trusting someone to really help me is hard. I don’t know if that makes sense. It’s just a difficult situation and something I would never wish on someone else.


- NW

PS. I apologize this has turned into a "woe is me" session, I honestly was just curious about a gospel principal. I know you have much better things to do, but thank you for your time.

*** Several Months Later ***

Dear Little Sister,

Did you ever get help?

 - Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm working on it.

- NW

Dear Little Sister,

What does that mean?

  - Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

I haven't found someone that I trust and like yet, so I'm still looking for a good counselor. I really am trying. I'm just funny about trust and people.

But I've been praying about it and I'll find someone.

- NW

Dear Little Sister,

Did you ever go talk to your Bishop?

 - Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,


- NW

Dear Little Sister,

You need to.

Or at least your Stake President.

Prayer is good, but we also need to take action.

Oh, and two more things:

  1. I learned Sign Language, went to a "no hearing camp" and was a tour guide for non-hearing kids a couple times. So I know a little bit about the culture.

  2. While listening to the Spirit might have kept you from being raped, failing to heed that prompting does not make the rape your fault.

 - Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

I just don't understand what they can do for me. I've told people. I'm seeking professional help.

I feel like dragging more individuals into it makes me more vulnerable.

I'm glad you have an understanding of the culture. It's an amazing culture and I am so blessed to be a part of it, but there are no secrets.

I know it's not, but it sure feels like it.

- NW

Dear Little Sister,

Your Bishop and Stake President can help you find the professional help you need.

That's why they're there.

You won't be "dragging" them into anything.

(Joke from non-hearing camp: "Deaf people can't keep secrets because it's not like you can sign quieter!")

I pray that you'll find the peace and joy that Heavenly Father has planned for you, and I believe that, with His help, and with time, you will learn to trust others again; and, perhaps more importantly, you'll be able to know whom to trust and whom not to.

I pray for your safety.

And I hope that, if it's God's will (and I think it is), one day you'll find someone to spend Time and All Eternity with.

I also hope you'll seek the help you need to heal, and I want you to know that if you ever need to vent, cry, joke or chat, I'm here for you.

God bless,

 - Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

I agree with bro Jo. A psychologist can help overcome some of the repercussions of rape. They can help you emotionally to trust again, and help you function with anxieties etc... Also if you talk to your stake president, they can usually refer you to an LDS physocolgist who can help you by incorporating the gospel. Someone really close to me was raped, and she never got help and I can see how now (while she is getting help) it is so much harder for her to overcome. She has built up more and more walls that are harder and harder to break down. Please get help, it will help you overcome this so much!

Anonymous said...

To answer the original questions. Yes we as latter-day saints believe we must be married (sealed) to receive the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom. We will never be forced to marry if that is not our desire. We will just be making a choice to recieve other blessings ex. to help others by being and angel. I believe that we can work on problems we have here on the earth after we die but I also believe the process is harder. Marriage is an earthly phyical ordinance and when we choose not to marry we are leaving the choice up to others eg. our relatives or perhaps Jesus. One of the blessings of marriage is the opportunity to have children forever. We also have the unique opportunity to work closely with someone who is uniquely different and learn to love them at all times. To continue growing in this life I would reccomend the writer keep on trying to overcome her fear of men. It is a mountain worth climbing. I did not believe I would marry or stay married. I interviewed my husband for over a year. I had to make sure he was a good man with a good heart. I have found that the Savior is also a great counsellor and healer. When I was younger I use to push myself to overcome my problems but I have learned to let the Savior bring me the problems and we figure them out together. Sometimes he has challenged me to do things I absolutely do not like but they has proven to be of great benefit to my life and general happiness here on earth. Please continue to seek professional help prayfully. God will lead you to the right counselor for you. Don't be afraid to interview the office staff over the phone and ask if the counsellor specializes in sexual assault or rape. I would choose a woman. An LDS counselor could be great because of their gospel perspective but definately seek a counsellor that believes in God and will support your spiritual life. I would go to the Stake President and let him help you carry the burden and help you believe that men can be honorabe and good. I know many women who have overcome this and several similar trials and they are very happily married to good men. Have hope and believe that God will lead you to your personal plan of happiness:) Be wise and use your experiences to help you find the great love and respect you deserve.

Anonymous said...

You may have already had comments about this, but as a black belt and a sensitive girl myself I've got to get my two cents in here.

Just because you learn how to take somebody out doesn't mean that it's your first option. Any good martial arts instructor will tell you at least once every lesson, "If you can run, run!" Good martial arts is all about avoiding confrontation, not enjoying giving pain to others.

As much as you and I both hate the idea, pain is the best deterrent when some guy is hurting you. Usually they'll back off and if they don't you will have to make them hurt so bad that they can't chase after you. That's just how it is. You don't have to beat them into a bloody pulp. Pain can be caused without breaking anything. You just have to hurt them enough that you are clear to run away and get help.

If you're trained, and a situation arises, there will be no time to think guilty thoughts about hurting the guy. Your training takes over and then you move on. That much I do know from my own experience. Most jerks don't even bother you if they know you've got a belt. It's the ultimate bad guy repellent. Sometimes I think its also a date repellent, but I guess that means I just have to find super special guys who don't mind girls who can kick their butt.

Dave Johnston said...

Sister Jo has said, in all seriousness, that vomiting and urination can be effective deterrents . . . I've seen reports and know of instances where they have worked, and there's a ton of websites that report otherwise.

I think the bottom line is that there's no shame in defending yourself anyway you can.

- Bro Jo