I am a sophomore at BYU-I and I am frustrated with the "dating" scene up here.
They call it BYU- I DO . . . yet I don't see how that works being all the guys like to do is "hang out".
I have only been on four dates in the 4 semesters that I have been up here, and only one that I count.
One with my friend as a "welcome to school" thing.
One was a group thing with my apt and an apt of boys.
The third was a pity date (on my part).
The fourth actually formed out of interest on both sides.
It started to go somewhere until he hit commitment issues.
I am ready to get married and start my family but, can't seem to find the right guy.
All the guys here want to hang out, or only come around on Sundays when they know we are cooking.
Half the guys here are 23-28 and I feel like they should be married or at least engaged by that age.
Why are they putting it off for so long?!?
I'm 20 and ready to be married and starting my own family.
Sometimes I feel like gluing president Monson's priesthood address to their doors so that maybe they will get the clue that they should get on the ball of things.
Please help me figure out what to do?
I am so entirely confused on what is going on with our young single adults, especially the men.
All the YSA women I know are in the same boat as me and ready to get married.
So on behalf of all the single young women in the church school system, HELP?!?
Please!!!
Sincerely,
- Confused Collegiate
Dear Confused,
I'm here to help any way I can.
Some guys are shy. Some are lost in their own little virtual world. And some are just as frustrated as you are.
Rather than focus on things you can't control (them), let's focus on what you can (you).
For example, instead of posting President Monson's talk on their doors [CLICK HERE to read or listen to the talk CC is referring to], post it on yours, perhaps highlighting a few sections, letting these guys know that YOU know THEY need to get their act together.
When they come over for food, turn them away.
When they ask to "hang out", or watch a movie at someone's place, tell them no.
In short, stop acting like their sisters and start acting like the intelligent, beautiful, valuable single young women that you are.
Have you ever seen "Intervention"? (sad show)
Stop enabling these Single Addicts!
Train them to be Men worthy of You.
(You all realize, I hope, that I am available for Firesides, right?)
One more thing that you and your fellow Sisters in Arms can do is to stop putting too much importance on First Dates. It's not a promise or a commitment of any kind; it's Just a Date!
And y'all would get a lot more of them if you'd stop expecting to go from zero to engaged in three evenings.
A guy that asks a different girl out every week is not always a "player"; he could very well just be a Good Guy who wants to spend a little time with a Good Girl who deserves a date so he can get to know her a little better.
No one ever fell in love under pressure.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you so much!
How would I go about getting you to come up to BYU-I for a fireside?
And as far as up here who would I have to talk to get such thing approved?
Thanks,
Confused Collegiate
Dear CC,
You could ask through the school, but I think smaller groups are better.
Talk with your Bishopric or Stake Presidency if you'd like me to come do a Fireside, event or Activity. (I've also been invited to speak by Activities Coordinators, Seminaries, Institute Classes, and a group of YSAs who had me come speak to a bunch of them and their friends in the common room at their apartment.)
You guys are only a 3 hour drive away, I don't charge anything, and I'm actually driving down there or through there several times a year anyway.
I can come speak on a prescribed topic, lead a dating seminar, or do more of a Q&A Fireside.
Totally up to you!
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Perfect!
I think a dating seminar is very much so needed here.
I will talk to the Bishopric and try to figure something out.
I will be in touch.
Thank you again!
- CC
Dear CC,
Anything I can do to help, just let me know!
- Bro Jo
6 comments:
As a BYU-I grad, let me tell you this situation is not unusual.
Unfortunately, Bro Jo, the girls who shut guys out like that are often left in the cold because the sister friends next door have free cookies.
HOWEVER, this is just the culture of those who expect dating to be given to them. There is hope.
Don't wait for him to come to you and don't limit yourself to the social scenes of classrooms and wards.
GO TO BALLROOM DANCES. It's like speed dating with music. They are only a dollar and if you strike up a conversation with a guy, he's bound to ask you to dance. Rarely does this fail. Can't dance? There is always instruction before the dance begins. No one is expecting you to be a professional.
GO TO EVENTS. There are hundreds on campus every semester. They are posted in your e-mail newsletters and I know you've seen the events pamphlets. Don't think about the cost. If you can afford chocolate, movie rentals, or pizza, you can sacrifice those to attend the concerts, plays, and sporting events on campus. If you have time for movies, you have time to go out and meet people.
At BYU-I, simply batting your eyelashes and flipping your hair isn't going to get the guy to come over. If anything, it'll terrify him. You have to introduce yourself, talk to him, then bat your eyelashes and hope he asks you out later. If you have to ask him out after all of that work, he's probably not worth your time.
Increasing the pool of people you know will increase the chance percentage of meeting guys who aren't intimidated by the dating thing.
Whatever you do, don't hide in your apartment, or in a pack of your gal pals. Make a deal that when you get to an event to split up and mingle.
Most of all, try to have fun. Don't dissect a guy you've just barely met to see if he's "marriage worthy." It's rude and first assessments are never accurate and the guys hate it. They know what you're up to and they'll treat you like a gold digger. And please, don't do the garment check. It's also rude, not to mention invasive. Give every good guy a chance.
The point isn't marriage right now. If you don't have a boy-friend, that shouldn't even be a consideration. The point is to be date-able.
Good luck.
As another BUY-I grad I also want to add that The Lord's timing is best. I thought I was 'ready' to get married and start a family at 19 (It's all I wanted when I started school!), but it wasn't until after 12 semesters, a mission, an incredible internship and a job offer that I found my husband - my LAST semester on campus before moving to Arizona and doing long distance for a year. I couldn't imagine a better way for it to have happened. I needed those things and the Lord knew it. Dating and relationships are an unending balance between you working for it, and the Lord putting things, people, and events in your path.
I know why she wants to get married...so that the government will pay for her tuition! Just another way that this school pressures us to get married. Brojo you should do a list of why it's great to be married.
Confused you are so bitter at the men in your life there is little wonder they don't want to spend more time with you.
Pity date is so pejorative. What a catch you must be.
You don't deserve to get married. It's not something you earn, or are entitled to. It's not the end of your happily ever after.
Marriage is the solemnization of a relationship. So if you want to move that direction, start to develop relationships. Who are your best friends in your FHE group? If it's your roommates, maybe you're not doing it right. How many group projects have you held at your apartment? What leadership and service activities are you in on campus? Having to throw an event is a great way to get to know someone. What's your calling, what things can you do to work with others in your callings? These kinds of things are the ways to start to build relationships with the people you know.
I can empathize and sympathize with OP. I've been at BYU-I for 7 semester, and I've only been on 3 dates (my 1st one wasn't until my 4th semester). I am super involved on campus (Talent and social activities, teaching, tutoring), go dancing at least 3 times a week, and I attend my ward functions when I can. I feel like it just happens for some people, and others have to wait on the Lord's timing. To this frustrated sister, I'd say work on developing yourself. Get involved with activities, find a group of friends you enjoying being with, and do things that you love that are worth your time. Pray and ask for a confirmation of God's love for you because your worth is not based on how many dates you get or how many boys chase you (and I say boys, not men). You're going to have good times and bad; there are going to be times you're grateful to be single, and there will be times that you desperately wish you could just have a fun date with someone- anyone. I know. I've been there. I've learned to trust in the Lord's timing, but it's taken a lot of prayer and good friends to get me there. Don't give up, sister, because God does have a plan for you, and it's more wonderful than you can imagine!
It is sad you assume that most males at Byu I are boys. Many are childish with little care or desire to work, serve or succeed. They are like arrogant 16 year olds many times and have their fun with girls. There are men st BYU I , but the often have lost the drive or have great discernment. They see most women at BYU Idaho are selfish, lazy and want to arrogant pricks. Your comment was shaming men and not addressing or seeking to understand how you could improve or improve the situation overall. Try dating men and befriending the kind , hardworking or busy males , they are the men and like me have wasted or will waste no more time on demanding, non verbal, vain porcelains dolls of BYU I .
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