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Monday, November 4, 2013

When a Date Doesn't Happen - Part 3

Dear Bro Jo,

My goodness, I had forgotten how panicked I was over such a silly thing!

That guy and I didn't work out...he wanted me to do all the work in figuring out the distance problem and that just doesn't sit right with me.

It may sound old fashioned, but I sort of think the guy should be trying to get to the girl, not waiting for the girl to come to him.

I did have an interesting experience with another guy that I found myself consulting your blog with a few times.

I had a long distance friendship which turned into the guy not wanting to be "just friends" (which I should've known would happen from your blog, but I had hoped the fact that he's in Cleveland would keep us "just friends").

He isn't Mormon and I soon found he was, shall we say, "being inappropriate" while thinking of me and/or looking at my pictures on Facebook.

Right around when you published your sexting series he tried to send some pictures to me...oddly enough, my phone wouldn't even receive the images.

I don't know how many times I told this guy we wouldn't work out; he would always say "I guess" and then act like nothing happened until one day I went to go play cards with a crush and told Cleveland about it since he was always talking to me about other girls.

He got mad and said we couldn't be friends anymore and blocked me on everything.

I don't know how many times I would look things up on your blog during that whole fiasco...

But I'm very glad both things with these guys happened :)

The first guy really taught me what to expect in a man (I'll share responsibilities with a guy, but I'm not going to do everything for him), the second guy challenged my beliefs so often I was forced to stand up for myself daily, something I rarely did before.

NOW I feel like I'm ready to enter the dating field.

I've already gone on my first casual group date with an awesome RM closer to home (about 30min) and things are actually looking quite promising with him!

Shortly after that first date his car broke down so dating's impossible for us now, but I feel like that's a good thing too.

Since we can only see each other at Church and FHE, it's forcing us to become really close friends BEFORE we date, which I think is important. 

Of course, apparently the whole ward--all 20 people or so--knows that he and I are close...

It's funny to hear about all the schemes they plan to do to get us together!!

Now my only problems are limited to reminding myself that awesome RM and I aren't a couple yet so I should still be dating other guys, but the other guys all know that awesome RM and I are close so they don't want to ask me out, haha!

And I wrote you a novel again...what can I say?

I like to write!

- C

Dear C,

The Lord has a plan, and things always seem to work out for the best when we listen to what He is trying to tell us.

I'm sure that your pictures on Facebook are appropriate, but I often wonder about some of the things guys and girls post, and whether or not they're aware just how public that kind of stuff can be.  I teach a Professional Practices course every spring and one of the things I do is talk about being aware of our virtual footprints - people need to be Very Careful!

Best of luck!

Be happy,

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

Some thoughts about the, "becoming close friends BEFORE the date," part.

To many girls allow themselves to be dangled this way, but it's understandable why we do it.

My sister had a couple of guys who kind of hung around, mostly in her thoughts and hopes, for years. I told her they weren't actually interested, she always said that could change. They were the kind of guys who came over or contacted only when necessary and mostly only when she initiated the contact. They were decent guys, just not ones who were interested in dating my sister.

Imagine her shock when she got friend zoned. It was bound to happen. The guy who you talk to easily with and hang out with is bound to start talking about other girls he wants to date to you because you're just so a sister. It also became clear they only initiated contact when they were recently dumped or just lonely because my sister would always be there...nice guys, but even nice guys can be clueless jerks sometimes.

Then there's the other side. The girl who distances herself and is kind and flirtatious in public but she demands to be dated. These girls are left in the cold a lot because, why date a girl you sort of know when your sister-friend lives next door to her, has cookies, and doesn't expect anything? It makes the second girl look cold and scary don't you think?

Kind of a paradox. The perception is he won't date you unless he's already established comfortable contact with you, but in reality he also won't date you if he's so close to you you're practically siblings. Dating is a doomed lonely business if this is true.

Christopher Cunningham said...

One part of the letter that interested me was that the men in her ward wouldn't ask her out because they knew she was "close" with another guy. This is very common, and though I know Bro. Jo doesn't usually advocate for this kind of aggressiveness, I think women who find themselves in this situation would do well to ask a guy out on a casual date. Word will quickly get around which will either inspire other men to ask you out as well, and/or encourage the original guy to get moving and ask you out for real.

Just my two cents.