Should She Have Told Him How She Feels Before He Left?

Dear Bro Jo,

I am in a situation that I am not quite sure how to deal with.

I am 18 years old and I am starting to prepare for a mission.

The problem is that there is a Young Man you I have very strong feelings for who has been out in the field for about a month now.

I want to tell him how I feel but I feel if I tell him now that I would just be a distraction for him and that is the last thing he needs right now.

On the other hand I feel if I do not tell him soon I may not get the chance to.

We both know that we like each other but because I knew he was planning for a mission I did not press on trying to make a romantic relationship out of it. I wanted to keep us as best friends and hang out as friends to better know each other before he left.

When I found out officially when he was leaving for his mission I made a promise to myself that I would wait for him because I care that much about him.

I somewhat told him I would wait for him because I wanted him to know that I am always here for him.

I know that I would never send him a Dear John letter because my father had a Dear John sent to him on his mission and I definitely do not want to be "that" girl.

What advice do have for me that would help me in this interesting situation?

Sincerely,

- Girl Who Waits




Dear Girl Who Waits,

My standard answer is that no girl should "wait" for a guy while he's on a mission, and no guy should ask her to wait. (For that matter, no guy should wait for a girl that's on a mission, either.)

You're right, it's not good to tell a guy while he's on his mission that you have feelings for him.

It's a distraction at best, and could be quite confusing.

What you're supposed to be doing is going on dates with other guys, not waiting around for something that may never happen.

These are some of your best dating years!

Go out and enjoy!

Then, once you submit your mission papers, stop dating until you come home.

"Having strong feelings" is not the same as "being in a relationship"; you can't "Dear John" someone unless you had some sort of commitment before he left.

Your father's experience is another reason why I tell young people that "all bets are off" once the paperwork is filed.

I think you should "un-promise" yourself.

People change . . . A LOT . . . in two years apart; while it occasionally works out, most of the time it doesn't.

Even couples that are, at the time, convinced that they've found their One True Love discover that they're in love with the idea more than the person, that they don't really know the person like they think they do, and that what they're clutching to is Security and Comfort much more than a potential Eternal Marriage.

(Long separations, IMHO, really only work when a marriage-level commitment is already in place.)

A Good Guy will understand that you’re focusing on Dating and then, if it's right, a Mission, while he's gone. 

Ergo, any guy that doesn't understand is not a guy you want.

Hope that helps,

- Bro Jo