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Monday, December 1, 2014

Surviving a Break Up - Part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

Well Bro Jo, just how does it get better?

18 beautiful months, and it just isn't going to work out. I'm completely heart broken.

I can't say I didn't see it coming.

He has been having questions about the Church for a good year now, and has finally decided he cannot take me to the Temple, does not want to be a member, and that it is not fair to keep me in a relationship that will only end the same way later as it is now.

I completely agree.

But my goodness this hurts so much.

With (name withheld), I wanted to end it.

But I didn't want to end this.

How on earth does it get better?

I can't sit here and cry all day... I just don't know what to do with myself.

So can you answer me this: how does it get better?

Thank you,

- Spinning Like a Record

Dear Bro Jo,

I answered my own question.

I guess I knew the answer when I sent that letter, but at the time, it seemed as though life had just ended.

All motivation and happiness seemed to be void.

It has been 4 full days since we broke up and it is still hard.

My mind will sometimes race, and the only question I have is...

  Why didn't he feel the same spirit I feel when we went to the Temple?  
  Or when he read the Book of Mormon?

  Or prayed about the truthfulness of the Gospel?

  Why did he only receive confusion about the Church?

  And why does he feel "at peace" following another religion (actually a cult and not very fond of Mormons)??

I don't know that there is a straightforward answer. But even in this relationship, I have been putting all of my faith, trust, and timing in the Lord's hands.

I have been relying 100% on the Spirit for this whole relationship, which is one thing that made it wonderful, and also the one thing that assured me that this had to end. I still can't really believe it happened, that he is no longer actively in my life, but as sad as it is, I feel at peace.

I miss him so much, but I feel at peace with the decision. I'm still hurting, and this is so hard.

The answer to my original question is just that it takes time.

Even just a few days later, I have not shed a tear today.

That's a step.

I'm working on involving myself even more in my own hobbies and talents. I have a new calling in the ward as a ward missionary, and that should keep me busy as well.

The YSA ward is superb, very supportive, loving, and everybody has my back.

Nearly everybody has been in my shoes before, and one guy in the ward was dumped just a week before I was.

He and I talked quite a bit, and the empathy this ward is willing to share is astounding.

Sorry this is a bit more like a journal entry and not so much an advise-seeking letter.

General Conference could not have come at a more perfect time.

Thanks for all you do,

- Spinning Like a Record

Dear Spinning,

Sorry I'm just getting to your email now.

When you're not the person doing the breaking, the only things that makes breakups seem easier are time and then, eventually, dating someone else.

I don't think this will make you feel better at this point, but I think that the reason people say they feel "at peace" when they wander from the Gospel is because their new "reality" allows them to dodge, postpone, or avoid consequences.

For me it's a pretty straightforward answer.

Trust me, there's something going on with him that he just doesn't want to admit or face right now. 

And, while I know it doesn't seem that way today, trust me: you're better off without him.

I know you don't need any advice from me . . . you're going to be just fine. 

Just do yourself a favor: be open to dating again.

No one says you need to jump into a relationship, but I'll bet there's a great guy or two out there that wanted to date you before but you were "taken".

Take a chance.

- Bro Jo

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