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Friday, December 19, 2014

Will Her Non-member Boyfriend Be Serious About Chastity?

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey Bro Jo, I like this boy a bunch...

He's not a member. We started dating last summer.

When I started liking him after a few dates I tried to keep my feelings to myself so that it could remain "casual."

But it came to a point when I was invited over to his place and I chose to share my feelings.

Not verbally like normal LDS people would do, but sexually - not all the way, but definitely farther than recommended.

Immediately after that I told my Bishop what happened and the boy went back to school in another town.

I forgave him cause he didn't know any better.

I had a priesthood blessing which said I was forgiven.

And I eventually forgave myself.

I got over him assuming I'd never see him again.

He came back!

We got in touch.

The first date we held hands and the second date we held hands and kissed.

Now I have these feelings all over again.

What am I doing here?

I know it could be a horrible repeat of last year.

I think this boy I like is generally a good guy.

He's okay with me not drinking, will he be alright with me not having sex?

I'm afraid that if I bring up the law of chastity it will mean certain rejection and that scares me.

Especially if I've already broken it, will he ever take it seriously?

I know there are good LDS alternatives to date here but none have shown interest besides premies and guys with special needs.

Members I have dated since joining the church haven't treated me well and chastity-breaking has been a theme in all of those "relationships" as well.

Dang it!

Anyway, I hope you have time to answer this because I would appreciate it a lot !!

If you have any other questions please let me know.

Thank you,

- Concerned

Dear Concerned,

I'm less worried about him taking chastity seriously and more worried about you taking it seriously. 

You need to learn that no man will ever love a woman he doesn't respect, and you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themselves.

Going "farther than recommended" is not exactly having self-respect or seeing yourself as a virtuous and valuable daughter of God.

Know this: for guys sex and love are two different things, kept in two different compartments of our brains.

Yes, we kiss the woman we love, but kissing her doesn't mean that we love her; it means we like kissing her AND we happen to love her.

Two of the things you wrote that give me the most concern, and frankly are very telling, are: "I'm afraid that bringing up the law of chastity it will mean certain rejection and that scares me" and "chastity breaking has been a theme in all" of your other relationships, too.

First of all, any guy who dumps you because you want to stay morally pure, chose the path that God has recommended for you, or because you won't give in to his advances is NOT A GOOD GUY.

I don't care how attractive he is or how nice you THINK he is, the dude is a slime ball.

He has no respect for you or your beliefs, doesn't care for you nearly as much as he cares about himself, and honestly, if he's not getting what he wants from you he has no issues going and getting it from any other random girl.

To him, you're not special, you're just willing.

And it doesn't matter if he's a member of the LDS Church or not.

There are Good Guys that will respect you who are not members of the Church, and Bad Guys who only care about getting as far as they can with you who pretend to be good and worthy priesthood holders.

Secondly, the notion that losing a guy who doesn't respect you scares you is a HUGE concern.

You're a smart, talented, wonderful young woman! 

If he can't see that, that's his problem, not yours.

Just because you've been unlucky in love so far, that doesn't mean you should give up looking for the Good Guy you deserve.

And I'm going to be "extra honest" here:  if every "relationship" you've had has a "chastity breaking" component, you're probably scaring the Good Guys away.

So don't blame them for not dating you; instead accept responsibility and start dating Good Guys exclusively.

Stay away from situations where chastity breaking is a possibility.

Be more patient.

Widen your circle of friends and associates.

And STOP "going over to his place".

And, no, I don't think this guy will ever take you seriously or stop wanting to use you.

Nor do I think he "didn't know any better".

That's ridiculous.

He may bide his time for a while, but that will only be because he thinks he can eventually get you to give in.

And if you do he'll likely lose all respect for you and that will be that.

And you'll have given in for nothing.

You're worth more than that.

Stick to your standards.

You'll always be glad you did.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

I don't think it's fair at all to call this other guy a slimeball when there's no evidence that Miss Letter Writer ever actually told him what she expected as far as their physical relationship went. As far as he knows, he's engaging in a relationship the way he would with anyone else and she's just acting weird about it.

Bro Jo said...

So you think it's okay for a man to disrespect a woman until she tells him not to?

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

If he did something he felt was actually disrespectful, no. But I would doubt this is the case.

Bro Jo said...

So it's only disrespectful if HE feels it is . . .

Gonna have to disagree there.

Strongly disagree.

- Bro Jo