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Monday, December 29, 2014

When Your Friend and Roommate Dates Your Ex

Dear Bro Jo,

This past winter semester was my first semester at BYU-I and also my first semester away from my home.

I was nervous about moving up here, but was going to be rooming with my best friend since 8th grade who'd been up here a couple semesters.

With that in mind I figured I could make it.

Also attending BYU-I would be my ex-fiancé, whom me and my roommate grew up with in our home ward.

He and I had dated for about 3 years and we had a very long history which my roommate knew all about and helped me get through.

I wasn't keen about having to see him a lot, bit figured moving on and trying to be friends again would be worth it.

Towards the end of the semester my roommate began to start sneaking around and being a bit shady and I knew something was up.

I finally confronted her about it after about a week and she confessed that she'd been going out and doing things one on one with my ex.

I became very upset and told her I wasn't okay with the whole thing, considering that my ex was still in a relationship with another girl, and he was going and doing one on one date like things with my roommate.

In the end he did end up breaking up with his girlfriend in order to pursue my roommate.

My roommate doesn't understand why I'm upset and doesn't think that her new relationship with my ex would have any effect on our friendship.

I cannot maintain a healthy friendship with her without being angry with her all the time and being judgmental.

All of which I told her would happen if she continued to go on a date my ex.

It hurts me to think she'd rather have this relationship than our friendship and I'm unsure of how to handle the situation.

What advice would you give me?

- Anon

Dear Anon, 

You may not like this, but I ain't gonna lie . . . you need to move out and get some new friends. 

Romance nearly always trumps friendships . . . and usually that's good. 

If they don't work out, your friend may want to be your friend again . . . something you may or may not be open to. 

If it DOES work out, then that means she'll be picking him over you. 

Heck, who are we kidding . . .she's already done that.

I understand you being upset.  I would be too!

It's kind of a betrayal.  And I get that.

However, friendship does not give you the authority to dictate who she does or doesn't date and, frankly, the man is your EX.

The problems you have with him are your problems, not her problems. 

You didn't care that he was dating someone else while he was dating your friend; but now that they're exclusive you're jealous and mad and hurt . . . perhaps that he's dating her and not you?

Again, understandable.

Maybe it bothers you that your friend is being dumb about who she chooses to date and this guy really is a jerk 

Perhaps it's that you don't get to dictate whether or not she goes out with him, and that's what's upsetting you most . . .

She's an idiot for not understanding why you are upset, but I'm not surprised that your feelings aren't trumping hers.

After all . . . the two of you Broke Up.

While it's true that we leave our friends behind when we cleave to a spouse, ditching one's friends completely is never a good idea. 

I'm sorry she wasn't more sensitive. 

I'm sorry you and he didn't work out.  (Although it sounds like that is for the best.) 

I'm sorry you've discovered that she's picked him over you. 

I hope that you can find happiness despite all of this.

Don't stoop to her level. 

Be Nice. 

Be Kind. 

Don't say anything you may regret someday. 

And move out and make new friends. 

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

A 3 year relationship? How old is this girl?? She said it was her first semester away from home so I assume she's a transfer student....But mentioning her best friend from 8th grade makes me think she might be a freshman. If that's the case then this whole issue wouldn't be a problem had she stuck to casual group dates without a relationship. Moving forward: she has the opportunity of meeting lots of new guys at BYU-I. Guys like seeing new girls and want to ask them out on dates. Little do they know that most girls bring a "past" with them, a past with includes other guys, rather than beginning with a clean slate. Guys assume girls have a clean slate. My advice to the OP is to leave the baggage behind and consider herself starting with a clean slate. Meet new guys. Talk to the ones you want noticing you. Give yourself a chance to be asked out by new guys.